Thursday,
December 4th, 2008
Okay, I knew how to end this
foolishness.
Unlike when I was a teen, there was
something now called “the internet” where I could look up information and
figure things out. After all—I held a Master’s Degree—I was supposedly smart.
Also, the internet was where I
found my cheap wig, ugly shoes, and a waist cincher from a place called Glamor
Boutique.
In any case, I discovered terms
like crossdresser, transgender, and more. I also discovered there were people who
specialized in transformation makeup, where they could make a guy up to look
like a girl. One was up the road in
Bethlehem, PA. Another was on Long
Island, New York.
So—the plan. I knew how bad I looked on Halloween. Downright ugly. My friend Dawn was a competent makeup artist,
but I wanted to try a specialist. When
even they couldn’t make me look feminine, that could be the end of it. End of story. Solved. QED.
But… which to use? I knew nothing about either of them, except
for the reviews on their websites.
One was in Bethlehem, PA, about an
hour away. Hmm. Still close. I might stumble upon someone I knew. Long Island? Two and a half hours away. No chance of “chance” encounters.
Besides—the owner in New York was
female. I wasn’t sure about the owner of True Colors. I didn’t feel comfortable being all “girled
up” in front of a guy. Not yet anyway.
So I sent an email to Femme
Fever. Eventually all was set. I paid in advance. I told my wife that I was going up to Penn
State main campus for the day—meetings. Plausible,
as I worked part-time as an instructional designer at the Great Valley branch
campus.
Still, I hated lying to her. I really did.
The trip took forever, but I was
only fifteen minutes late. Karen let me
in, and we sat down to discuss what I wanted. But first, she gave me a bra that had pockets
for breast forms, a pair of forms (looked like chicken cutlets), and told me to
put them on. She left the room, and I
did as she asked.
She returned and told me she did
that, to quote, “put me at ease.” Got it. She was right.
We sorted out outfits, hair color,
that sort of thing. The first outfit was
a baggy orange sweater dress (yes, seriously) and a copper-colored wig.
After being dressed in the dress, hose,
and shoes, she seated me on a barber’s chair in a room with a wall full of
mirrors. I told her that I wanted to be surprised,
so please turn me away from the mirrors. Karen did the makeup for about an hour and
asked what name I was using. I told her Lisa but said it was not set in stone. What would she suggest?
As the makeup was finished, she
stepped back and looked at me. She looked at me and said, “I have a strong
feeling your name is Sophie.”
She then turned the chair around,
so I faced the mirror and said, “Say hello to Sophie!”
I couldn’t believe it! I couldn’t believe that the person in the
mirror was me! I didn’t see myself at
all. I actually looked passably female. Or so I thought.
Also, I usually don’t ignore strong
feelings, so I kept the name. In
addition, Sophie is Greek for wisdom, and I can use all the wisdom I can
get.
That woman in the mirror simply
could not be me. There was no way…
She took pictures of me in that
outfit and a few others. I ended up
buying the pocket bra and the wig.
I was in deep trouble.
Saturday,
December 20th, 2008
I needed help. In addition to the other terms and shopping, I
found a support group that met in nearby Malvern called Renaissance.
I told my wife I was going to play
D&D (another lie, damn it). I
stopped in Valley Forge Park, tried to put on the waist cincher… which broke. I decided to find the place and change there. I pulled into the parking lot of an office
park that looked rather empty. Did I
have the right address? Then I saw
someone walking toward the correct door. She wore a black, Goth-looking long
dress and had very long, straight gray hair. I asked her if this was the right place for
Renaissance.
She confirmed it was—in fact, she
was the president. Her name was Rebecca,
and she became a dear friend and mentor.
I
arrived dressed in normal street clothes, and changed on site, scared as can be. I didn't bring any makeup. Well that’s really because I don't have any
yet but that’s a minor detail. In any
case, I wore a new white top and black skirt I recently bought, as well as the
red wig from Femme Fever.
I looked like shit. But the girls made me feel right at home. Some could easily pass. Others like me, well... In any case, they
were very open and welcoming. I felt I
was among friends. In fact, I met many
people who would become friends and mentors that night. And as a bonus, Renaissance was having a
Christmas dinner at nearby Shangri-La, an Asian restaurant. That was—gulp—NEXT DOOR TO THE BOOKSTORE WHERE
I WORKED.
I went anyway, as one of the girls
spotted me the money to go. I was pretty
broke.
I
was terrified the whole night. What if
someone I knew saw me? Or my car?
Turns out that Shangri-La has a TG
night the third weekend of every month called Angela’s Laptop Lounge. The DJ, Angela, was one of the founders of
Renaissance, and was editor of a transgender news website called Transgender
Forum. Anyway, it was really
crowded! I didn’t know there were so
many people… like me. I felt myself
easing into the role of Sophie. Or was it just the drinks? Does it matter? I was dressed and having a ball!
I spoke with two girls (one of whom became a dear friend) and
mentioned this was my first night “out.”
They looked at each other and said “Pandora’s box is open!”
They were absolutely right.
I stayed several hours, but eventually had to go. I changed in the car then drove home.
While at Renaissance, I also got
some recommendations on local gender specialists. Maybe they could cure me?
Please?
I didn’t want to be a… freak.
