Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Men of the Skull Chapter 41: Letter from Judy

Here's another "cheat" chapter.  I didn't write this.  At all.  This was, word for word, spelling and grammar errors intact, written by "Judy."  I still have the original handwritten letter.  I'm a sentimental person- I always have been.  I have every personal letter ever sent to me from high school onwards, some almost forty years old.  Some of the writers are long dead.  Almost all have been gone from my life for years.

But not Judy.  While we communicate infrequently, we keep up with each other's lives.

Why keep the letters?  After all, they were, for the most part, written long ago to a person who was a shell: a Lie.  Well, because at one point, someone cared enough about me to set pen (or pencil) to paper to let me into their mind, or even their heart.  I think that's one thing that's missing today.  It's easy enough to type out a tweet or a message or even an email... but no one takes the time to write out their thoughts and feelings and Truths onto paper. And while one can print out an email...

A letter is forever.

Chapter 41: Letter from Judy

January 26, 1987

Dear Lance,
            No, I am not writing this in a horizontal position.  I might fall asleep.  Not good.  Anyway, getting what I did off my chest on the phone helped you from receiving a hostile letter.
            I really understand your confusion as to who you can trust.  Often I wonder that myself.  The difference between you and me was is that I am very trusting because I don’t think people would want to hurt me.  However, when they break my trust I have a harder time trusting those people again.  With you it was different.  Although you had betrayed my trust, I still think I can trust you with what I revealed to you last night.  Here is one way in which you can win my trust back.

Collegian, Jan 26, 1987

            You, on the other hand, trust hardly anyone and I am sorry if I gave you reason to distrust me.  I can’t blame you.  If I can betray someone elses trust, what’s to stop me from betraying yours.  I promise that I will always keep what you have told me to myself.  It is a promise I plan to live by.  You can take me up on it if you so choose, and if you don’t remember, if you should ever choose to later, that I will be there.  I care about you a great deal and I hate to see you hurt.  If I can, I would like to be able to help you.
            You have done a lot for me and I hope one day I will be able to repay you.  You have helped me in a lot more ways then you probably realize.  You have given me a renewed interest in myself.  I have never really liked myself, never thought myself as pretty, smart, basically any of that stuff.  You have made me realize that I have something special to offer this world.  You may be asking- “Doesn’t Richard make you feel special?”  The answer is yes, he does (very much so.)  You make me feel unique in a different way.  I don’t know if I can explain it to you.  You have been a great help to me recently when I have doubted my capabilities.  You always seemed to have faith in me.  Then again, I am my worst enemy!  To get to the point; you asked me once if you make me feel special.  I hope this answers that.
            I can really understand your doubt.  If you understand the above I give you credit because it explains my own confusion.  I am trying to straighten thing out.  It is a long process.  You may think it is too long.  You might be saying “You can’t make up your mind and I can’t wait around forever.”  I can’t blame you for saying this nor can I expect or ask you to.  As for me, I don’t think it has been too long.  I think I have made a great deal of progress and I am proud of myself.  I think I have come a long way since I came here but I still have a long way to go.  I am trying my hardest not to hurt people along the way.  I am extremely insecure and many times I will cling to anyone who will let me.  I don’t want to “cling” to you in that way and I don’t think you want me to, anyway. 

Collegian, Jan 26, 1987

            To tell you the truth, I am glad that you are still interested but I couldn’t blame you if you started seeing someone else.  In fact I am sure it would be good for you so you wouldn’t feel lonely but I realize you don’t think so anyway.  In fact sometimes I feel you “pull a Virginia” when you say – yeh but you could never understand how lonely I am or I am so much more lonely than you.  That may be so, but you don’t really know that, do you?  Often I am lonely when I am by myself; left to do things on my own; or even sometimes when I am with Rich and he just doesn’t understand me (be it religion or other.)
            You say I haven’t shown any interest in you since Thanksgiving and that has been true.  I have tried my hardest and frankly I have become accustomed to that.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t get touched when you give a kind word or feel stimulated when you touch me gently.  I still think of being intimate with you from time to time (Often when you look me in the eye and smile gently at me.)  Sometimes I think I let my guard down and you can see right through me (But I guess not.)
            It bothers me that you feel lonely and that you need someone.  I don’t think anyone understands that more than myself.  I seriously couldn’t live without someone to share my life with.  I’ve tried once but I really don’t call what I did living and if you would have known me then I think would have felt the same.  I had so much yearning but it was all stored up inside of me.  Now I am learning how to live.  I admire you because you face reality and you have a grip on life.  You probably don’t think so but you should look at yourself from my point one day and you would be surprised.  I look up to your kind of strength.
            Which brings me to another point: You mentioned in your letter that you are “terribly insecure” in the romantic sense.  That you need an “anchor” but you “need someone who won’t crumble if (you) lean on them.  Ergo, I can’t start with Virginia.”  Do you think I am any more secure than she?  Well, let me phrase it differently.  (2) Do you think you can lean on me and be that “anchor” your so desperately yearning or should I say seeking?
            Now I do admit when it comes to relationships I give them my all and I often gain my strength from them.  I feel that I am my most secure when I am “involved.”  It would be easy for me to get involved with you now but would it be the right thing?  Would it help me ease my problems or create new ones?  Believe me I have given that one much thought.  I am afraid that if I got involved with you it would be running away from my problems at this particular point.  I am really too mixed up to answer these questions!  I have so many thoughts running through my mind and yes, I have taken the time to sort them out and up to this point I have been unsuccessful.  It’s true what you said “things do change every week.”  I really don’t blame you for saying “Hell with it.”  Sometimes I think that would be the best for both of us- but will it?  And will I lose your friendship as well.  I would not be able to handle that.
            If you really don’t think you can win not here, not now, you are probably right but who is to say- me? You? – who?  I really don’t know.  Guess what, I am frustrated also and growing more so.  Ahhh!  I don’t think I can take this now!
            You put that if you found someone somewhere it will mean an end to things as we know them now.  I know that.  I would be upset that I wouldn’t see you that often anymore but if you are happy I guess I would have to stand by you.  Only I do ask that you don’t lose touch with me; that we would get together every now and then and maybe we- referring to you- your girlfriend and I would be able to go out from time to time.  It may cause problems but I don’t think it would cause “major” problems as you put it and you can and will win some time- KEEP THE FAITH!
            Yes, I do think it is time to start looking for yourself.  Maybe not 10 yrs, that’s a little too long but you should begin now.  It might be a good idea.
            Do you really think that if things start again that they will help you?  Are you just hoping it will.  If all you need is someone to ease the loneliness I may be the solution.  (Because if kept quiet it might hurt the least amount of people.)  Is this what you wanted me to answer?  Do you want to keep it hidden?  Do I?  (I will have to ponder that if you give me the answer to the questions above.)  As you said what else can you do?  (Maybe it can be for a time until you find someone else- who knows?) maybe.
            Meanwhile why don’t we sit down and talk over our options.  What do you think?  Sound good?           
            In the meantime we’ll talk, see how things sound.  O.K?
            Sorry if this letter sounds like much ado about nothing but you wanted to know what I am thinking- Here it is.  What do you have to say now?



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