Men of the Skull Chapter 17: "Surprise!"

Ahhh lamour!

Sometimes it strikes when you least expect it!  And sometimes you're too stupid to see it when it's right in front of you.

I've always had that problem- not seeing what's in front of me, romance-wise.  Or seeing it and not believing it.  It was the story of my dating life.  At my 30 year high school reunion, three different girls told me that they had crushes on me back in school.  I never knew it.  I would've dated ANY of them.  Of course, when they told me, I was wearing a polka dot dress.

Night of the 30th Reunion: November 2014

You see, I hated myself- deeply and desperately.  I knew I was different, and I knew other people back in the 80s would shun me if they knew... if they knew I was really a girl inside a boy.  I swore no one would ever know, so I built walls around myself.  I wouldn't let ANYONE close.  Problem with walls is they isolate.  I was desperately lonely.

The line I heard most through my dating years was "I don't see you as a guy.  I see you as a friend."  Of course, I didn't WANT to be "friends"- I wanted to be a lover.  The women were very perceptive though- I wasn't a guy.  I was pretending.  Trying my best to live up to what was expected of a Man in the 80s.  Especially a Skull.

The girl in this chapter (I won't give it away) knew exactly what she was doing.  She knew how to flirt.  Guys don't learn that skill.  In fact, guys don't talk about such matters except in the crudest terms.  "Yeah, I banged her."  I always wondered if girls growing up discussed the art of flirting.  During sleepovers or whatever.  That's one thing that I, as a mid-life transitioned transwoman, will never know or experience.

I haven't dated as a woman (I'm still married,) and I have NO clue how to flirt.  That brings up a point about being trans.  Some people think that transpeople are just "super- gay."  Not so.  Sexuality and gender are two different things.  Sexuality is who you want to have sex with- Gender is who you want to have sex as.  Before transition, I was heterosexual.  Since transition, I'm not.  My preference hasn't changed; just my gender has been corrected.

In any case, this was a major event in my college years.  I explore why as the book goes on.

*********************************************************************

Chapter 17: Surprise!

Tuesday, October 21, 1986 Crash kills head of Mozambique

            “She’s not into me” I said.

            Judy and I were walking back from the library to her place.  The leaves crunched and floated through the cool autumn afternoon. 

            “Just because you didn’t get a goodbye kiss doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you.  Perhaps she’s shy.  You told me she’s very religious- maybe that’s a reason” Judy said. 

            “She’s Christian, not a nun!  No, I think she just wants to be friends” I said.

            “What’s wrong with friends?” she asked, looking up at me.

            “Nothing!  I mean…”

            Judy smiled at me.

            “Oh, you know!  I’m tired of being ‘just a friend.’  I’m always ‘just a friend.’  I wish I someone was interested in more” I said.

            We walked for a minute in silence.

            “So you never told me about your weekend.  How did it go?”  I asked.

From the Daily Collegian, Oct 21, 1986.  I always wondered if anyone actually met from the Personals

            She unlocked her apartment door and we walked in.  The room was getting dark as the sun set.

            “Where’s Virginia?”  I asked, looking around.

            “She’s at class.  Why?  Would you rather see her than me?”  Judy said while we took off our coats.

            “No, I was just wondering” I said.

            “Lance, you look depressed.  What’s wrong?”

            “Nothing really.”

            “Don’t try to kid me.  Here, sit down” she said.  I sat on the edge of the couch and she sat down next to me, to my right.  She put her hand on my thigh.

            “Now” she said, “what’s bothering you?”

            I looked at her.  Judy was wearing jeans and a heavy grey sweater over a white turtleneck.  A small gold charm hung out from the turtleneck.  It was a Hebrew letter, but it looked like Pi to me.

            Did I really want to tell her?  Leave myself open?  Sound like I’m whining?

            “It’s like I said.  I don’t know anyone that’s interested in me.  I have a lot of female friends, but they’re just friends.  I don’t dare try for anything more because I don’t want to risk the friendship.”

            “I can’t believe you think that” she said.

            “It’s true” I said.

            “You’re just not looking hard enough.”

            “You know something I don’t?”
            “I think you’re not looking hard enough.”

            “Well I don’t know anyone at all who’s interested!”

            “Oh come on!”  Judy sounded a little frustrated.

            “You know someone who’s interested.”

            “Well… yes.”

            “Who?”

            “Me” she almost whispered.

           

            Wow.  I thought she was going to mention one of the other Crow little sisters or maybe Virginia.  But Judy?  A dream come true!

            “But you already have a boyfriend.”

            “Are you interested in me?  She asked.

            “Yes!” 

Way to be over-enthusiastic, dork!

            She smiled and we hugged.  Then we looked into each others eyes and kissed.  Tenderly at first, then just a little more passionately.  She allowed me to guide her to her back and we laid on the couch kissing and holding each other.  I ran my fingers through her hair.  The sun was setting and the room kept getting darker.

            We paused.  Judy caressed my cheek.

            “So what are we going to do about it?”  I whispered.

            “I don’t know” she whispered back, and kissed me again.

            I started to work my hand up under her sweater.  We kissed again, deeper.

            “What about Rich?”  I asked.  DUMB!

            She looked down for a moment, then back into my eyes.  “I don’t know.  I love him.  But you…”  She kissed me again, holding onto the back of my head. 

            After a couple of seconds, minutes, who cares, we stopped and looked at each other.  We were both breathing heavily. 

            “Don’t tell Virginia” she said.

            “Why would I want to?” 

            “I don’t know.  She’d tell Richard.  I know it.”

            I was about to ask why when the door lock jiggled and clicked.  We both jumped up, me to the other side of the couch, where I grabbed a book opened it and pretended to read.  Virginia came in and started taking off her Crow jacket. 

            “Hey guys!  What’s up?”  Virginia asked.

            “Oh, nothing.  Just studying.”  I said.  That’s when I noticed the book I was holding was upside down.

            “How was class?”  Judy asked.

            “Ok.  By the way Judy, what are we doing for dinner?”  Virginia said.

            “I don’t know.  We have that huge can of ravioli that’s too much for the two of us.  Lance, do want to stay for dinner?”

            “Sure!  I’ll even make it!”  I said.

            “Ooo!  Ravioli de la Lance!  Should we dress formally?”  Virginia asked, smiling.

            “No.  Come naked” I said.

            “In your dreams” Virginia said.

            “Hey, can’t fault a guy for trying” I said.

           

From the Daily Collegian, Oct 21, 1986

           

I stood in the kitchen watching the ravioli cook in the saucepan.  It was one of those huge buy-it-to-feed-an-army sized cans.  I even set the small table!  Judy walked in and whispered that Virginia was in the bedroom getting changed, and we started kissing aggressively.  She wrapped her arms around my neck and I picked her up off the ground.  I put her back down and she smiled.  Then we heard Virginia coming, so she went over the table and re-set it a different way.

            “Oh, my way wasn’t good enough?”  I asked.

            “Judy is very set in her ways” Virginia said, walking into the kitchen.

            “I am not!  I just prefer the fork and knife on opposite sides of the plate” Judy said.

            “He had them both on the same side?  Who taught you to set a table?”  Virginia asked smiling.

            “The same person who taught me to open a can of ravioli: no one.  I just made it up as I went along” I said.

            “That was a great dinner, Chef Lance!  Thanks!”  Virginia said, chewing.

            “Don’t eat with your mouth full” I said, also chewing.

            “You’re one to talk!”  Judy said, smiling.

            “I don’t eat with my mouth full” Virginia said.

            “You don’t eat with your mouth full?”  I asked.

            “Jerk.  I mean I don’t speak with my mouth full” Virginia said.

            Judy laughed.  “At least she uses proper grammar” she said.

            “I have gooder grammar than either of you!  I’m gonna teach English!”  I said proudly.

            “Whatever.  I have to go study at the library tonight.  What are we doing later, if anything?”  Virginia asked.

            Judy looked at me.  “I have some homework to do- some reading and an outline.  What about you?”

            “I have some chapters to read and I should start studying for my Medieval History test Friday.  How about when you get back from the library, you guys call me and we’ll do some drinking.  I’d like to see you two drunk again.  You’re funny!”

            Virginia laughed.  “You just want to be attacked by two drunk women!”

            Judy laughed as I threw up my arms in mock disgust.  “I can’t get anything past you, can I?”  I said.  “Oh well.”

            Virginia helped clean up, then headed out for the library.  As I didn’t have my books, I walked with her as far as Beaver Hill, grabbed the books I needed, and headed right back down to their apartment.

From the Daily Collegian, Oct 21, 1986

            As soon as the door closed behind me, we started making out.  A moment or ten later, I backed away to take off my coat.  Judy walked into the living room, where, on the floor, her books were spread out as well as a couple of pillows from the couch.  She had taken off her gray sweater, leaving the white turtleneck.

            I followed her into the room sat on the couch and pulled out my medieval history book. 

            “How much do you have to do?”  I asked her.

            “Not too much.”

            “Why don’t we do homework for a while, then take a study break?”

            “Reading this stuff is hard.  I may need some moral support.”  Judy said, sitting next to me.

            “Like what?”  I whispered.

            Our lips touched delicately- softly.  We kissed slowly, quietly.  This time I was on my back.  As we kissed, she ran her fingers through my hair.  I massaged her back at first, slowly working around to her breasts. 

            Remember, at the time all the girls I’d been with had fairly small ones.  This was my first time really feeling a girl with big breasts.  I was fascinated and absolutely enthralled.  I couldn’t believe she was letting me do this.  She moaned quietly.  I was in Heaven. 

            After a few minutes, I started trying to remove her turtleneck.  Judy pulled herself away, readjusted her top, and lay on the floor.

            “Study time!” she chirped, smiling playfully.  She was right- we both needed to get work done.  There would be other times- this was only beginning.  Hopefully.

            Maybe ten minutes later, the door handle rattled and Virginia came in. 

            “You guys are sure quiet!” she said, taking off her coat.

            “That’s not true- I can hear Judy’s lips move as she reads” I said.

            “Very funny” Judy said, then she threw a pillow at me.  “You’re back early, Virginia.”

            “I got bored, and the library was packed.  You guys feel like doing anything?”

            “If you two wanna study, I can leave or find something to do” I said.

            “Oh yes!  You’re such a distraction!  I can hardly keep my hands off of you!”  Virginia said dramatically.  Judy rolled her eyes.

           

We studied for a while, then broke out the bottles of schnapps and rum that they had from homecoming weekend.

Next Entry

Last Entry

First Entry