Sunday, March 16, 2014

Six Months Without Lisa Empanada

Today, March 16, 2013, marks six months since Lisa Empanada killed herself.


The Text

 Time is supposed to heal wounds.  It's supposed to make things like Remembering a lot less painful. 

A day doesn't pass that I don't think of her.  I see something and I wish I could tell her about it, knowing she'd laugh. 

I miss her laughter.

I would love to get her advice as the days count down to my going full time.  What would she think of my strategy?  What would she have said when I saw my mum?

What would she say about the outfit I'm wearing right now?

I still expect to see a text from her.  Or new pictures of her with her beloved daughters.  With her soul-mate Sandy.  Or even with me.

I miss the sound of her voice.  I miss talking to her on the phone.  Endless texts.  Hugging her when I saw her. 

I miss her jokes.  I miss her puns.  I miss her groaning from my jokes and puns.

SCC 2013: The Last Time I saw her Alive

Lisa thought she was doing us all a favor.  Especially Sandy.  She was so very wrong.  She couldn't have hurt us more if she tried.

All the deception.  The broken promises.  And we who loved her are left to pick up the pieces of our lives.

Where would Lisa be today had she lived?  Useless speculation really.  I'd like to think that this very night she'd be out with Sandy, enjoying the night.  That by now, Tom would be completely in the past.  That I'd be following her advice on my own imminent transition to full time womanhood.

I'd like to think she would be proud of me.  As I was of her.  My Sister.

But her last act... no one could be proud of the devastation that she wrought on us all.

I am still angry at her for doing what she did.  If you look at the Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief, Anger is the second stage of mourning.  I bypassed the "bargaining" stage... how does one bargain with Death after all, after it has happened?

The fourth stage is depression, and I dealt with that for quite some time.  It almost took me as well.  I almost joined her.

The fifth stage is Acceptance.  I'm not there yet.  I wonder if I ever will be.

People come and go in life.  That's a fact that anyone over the age of twelve understands that.  Some people leave their mark and move on.  Other stay in your life for a long time.  Family.  Loved ones.  The Closest of Friends.  Their influence changes your life.

We all meet so few of those.

And when one takes herself away... I can't comprehend it.

Someday, I may forgive her.  Someday, my heart will heal.  But not today.  Not now.  It's just too soon.

I still think of her every day.  I still cry for her.  I Still miss her, every day.

And I will always Love you my Sister.  Time will never change that.

Photo courtesy Lisa Empanada-Newell Memorial Page


  1. this made me cry for the loss you and sandy suffered.........and for the realization of what people would have had to deal with if my own attempt hadn't failed. i'm at a loss for words, and my keyboard is getting tears on it,so i will stop here.

  2. "You'll burn so deep inside
    And then it gets on top of you
    It won't let you go
    Believe me when I tell you
    Life will not break your heart
    It'll crush it"

    Henry Rollins

    I am sorry about your friend, but very happy that you've escaped. please don't let her down...I know you won't...Living your life will be the success the two of you only dreamed could happen. And now for Your great escape...from the depths of the darkness to the light that was so hard to see, when it seemed impossible.