Wednesday, July 24, 2013

She Decided.

My Wife decided after over a week of thinking.

I was going to write about how fun my weekend was.  I really had an amazing day on Saturday, filled with new people, old friends and new experiences.

Happy on Saturday

But then Sunday happened.

I'll still write about Saturday someday, but Sunday was more... well... it was rough.

The Sunday after a weekend out as Sophie has always been brutal, and not just due to the "Pink Hangover."  Wife has always been very vindictive and makes me "pay" for going out with extra chores and often extra "motivation."  Like drill sergeant style. 

It started Sunday morning. Mother in law (MIL) lost it on me while Wife was at church with daughter. Seems that no matter what I do, she's unhappy or downright furious (kind of like how the Republicans regard President Obama.)  Then Wife came home and MIL bitched at her. As I was working on things in the back of the house, I didn't hear exactly what was said, but it was something about me being "lazy" and "never does ANY work."  W started bawling, and MIL left to go babysitting. 

Yes, someone put THAT witch in charge of their kids.

Then Wife lost it on me.  MIL wanted me to continue weeding in a copse of trees on the property.  It was already over 90 degrees outside, and my back was still a little sore from the night's escapades (wearing heels.) 

I told her that I'd go outside and work until I dropped dead from the heat as "that would make your life so much easier, right?"  I was very angry and frustrated at this point.

The weeding.  I'm not kidding- this really is it!

I went outside in the 90+ weather to do more weeding. I worked until I was ready to pass out and my back hurt VERY badly (maybe 45 minutes.)  This was the second time I'd worked on this job, and I still wasn't a third finished.  There were SO many weeds!  And so many thorn bushes!

I came back in, limping, bleeding from many tiny cuts, and absolutely soaked in sweat.

"Done yet?" Wife said with a bitter tone.

I just glared at her and took a cold shower. It was 90 minutes until I had to go to work.

After the shower, I laid on the couch in one of our rooms to watch Phillies and rest my back. Wife came in to bitch that the massive weeding job wasn't finished. I told her I was going to leave the room as I'd had enough. So I went to the bedroom, turned on the floor fan and lay on the bed, trying to cool down.  She followed me and and sat on the bed. 

I looked at her.  She looked back, her face red.  Then her lip trembled.

She started to cry.

She'd used this tactic many times in the past.  She cried and I was supposed to forgive her, cave in, and do what she wanted.  But I'd become immune to it.  It was always just a tactic.  Especially on a Sunday.

She cried and said "I'm so sorry.  I can't live with this.  I can't live with you if you get the operation.  I just can't."

She told me she wasn't going to move out with me- that she wanted to stay in that hellhole with her mother.  And that "she could never live with a woman."

She never wanted to see me as Sophie- ever.  Ever.

"I know you can't help it.  I know it's a physical thing not mental.  I know you don't want this.  But all I want is my husband.  I want my husband- not a woman."

That's when I started crying.

I told her I didn't blame her for her decision.  How could I, really?  I told her that I understood.  And she hugged me, and we both sobbed.

After we cried a while, we pulled ourselves together and talked a bit. Discussed options.

Option 1:

If we get the loan, we still get the house together.  This removes my daughter from MIL's toxic influence and provides her security.  Said house should be affordable by Wife without any monetary input from me.  I stay in the house until the changes reach a point that she finds intolerable.  Then I move out.  Perhaps during that time, take in a boarder to assist with the mortgage.   After moving out, divorce proceedings begin.

Option 2:

I move out ASAP.  Divorce proceedings begin.  She stays at her mother's with my Daughter.

Option 3:

I move out after thoroughly researching places, etc.  Divorce proceedings begin. She stays at her mother's with my Daughter.

She asked when I intend to transition.  I said it was at least a year away- probably three.  She said "Ok, we have some time then."

I've been Sophie now for four and a half years since my "re-awakening."  I've done a lot of research on being transgender, and I've read a LOT of life stories.  While they tend to follow a pattern, there are usually variations on the pattern.  Like different musicians interpreting the same piece of music.

And usually, the wife leaving is part of the pattern.  Almost a rite of passage.  I read somewhere that only 3% of marriages survive a spouse transitioning.

And now it's my turn.

I've received many comments on Facebook, where I gave a brief description of events.  People have been so kind.  I've also received many texts, emails, and messages.  Many are from those who have already walked this path and survived.  They offer wisdom and encouragement.  Still others are from those who will never endure this particular brand of hell, but send their support.

Some are from "admirers" who smell blood in the water and think I'll be an easy score.  Think again.

I planned for this to happen- for her to reject me.  I expected it to happen.  Perhaps part of me even Wanted it to happen.  But none of that...


Makes it hurt less.

And it hurts.  It really does.

I keep crying.

Just Like a Woman.



  1. Sophie

    You should not be mad at your wife. She did not ask for this and as someone whose husband did this to me I can speak from that experience. It shakes your to your core as a woman. In general women always have self-confidence issues because of the so-called standards we have to live up to. Even as someone born transsexual I could not handle it and felt both betrayed and hurt beyond anything I can put into words.

    For the sake of yourself I like that you discussed options with your wife. She is reacting like she is because she is deeply hurt and the man she loved has in her eyes betrayed her.

    In my humble opinion if you are planning for SRS then you are transsexual and not transgender. It may seem like a minor distinction but it is not, at least to me.

    Good luck and please be careful.

    1. Thanks for reading and commenting, Elizabeth!

      I'm NOT angry at her for her decision. How can I be? I AM betraying her- I am violating a vow I made in front of God and a congregation. The one that went "MAN and wife."

      As for the terminology, I see your point, but as I am pre-op, I don't think I've earned the title of "transsexual" yet. I see it as a Badge of Honor- of survival and being True to onesself. But in any case, I'll ALWAYS be transgender.

  2. Sophie -

    Your concern must be for yourself. With that being said, there's a child in the equation ...and a nasty, possibly evil mother in law. Do you want your child growing up with that person adding to the child's pain?


  3. Good luck to you both. It must be terribly difficult for everyone.

    I know my vote on the options is irrelevant but I do believe that regardless of what gender you are or will be you have a duty to protect your daughter from harm, and MIL sounds pretty harmful, please get her out of there.

  4. As I told you on FB, I don't have any words of wisdom. I am here however if you need to talk, cry, vent. I am your friend and I will do what friends do: offer an ear, offer a shoulder. Beyond that, what comes out of my mouth may make sense or may make you mad. But, I am here for you as a friend. If you need my number, PM me and I will give it to you.

  5. Sophie you are transsexual when you are pre-op and simply a girl and then a woman after SRS. There is nothing left to cross over after SRS so I believe the terminology is very important and if you feel you will always be transgender then you are accepting the fact you will always be less than whole. I refuse to believe that. I fought to hard to how I should have been and learning to leave that behind is important in accepting the simple fact you are now female.

    I feel sorry for those that want to be a continual victim to gender when gender is so fluid. Live and learn.

  6. Sophie
    As you mention both you and your wife made vows in front of God and the witnesses to your marriage. Love, honor, forsake all others...for all time.
    I found the most telling part of your exchange was her inquiry about your time frame and her response that "OK, we have some time then." It certainly seems like your wife in not looking to kick you to the curb. It seems like she loves you and wants what is best for you and for the family, especially your daughter. While your vows may have been to your wife the obligations that I believe we owe to our children are paramount.

    Thank you for sharing Dylan's "Just Like a Woman". It is the first song that Pat ever sang karaoke and is my 'go to' signature karaoke song.

    Good luck in your life and relationships.


    PS: I disagree with your cheap shot at Republicans but I do feel your pain and will give you a pass this time. LOL

    1. Thanks for kind words Pat! As for my absolutely accurate analogy, show me one policy POTUS endorsed that the GOP supported. Good luck with that.

  7. Sophie,
    You know I care. Having just read this post.. it sounds as though your wife does too. She's in a very difficult spot.. she probably, as you say, feels betrayed by you. She also know that this is not something you "wanted," and feels the need to defend you to her mom. Her mom.. well.. her mom sounds evil.. in a lot of ways.. That leaves your wife in a very tough, and vulnerable spot.. For what it's worth, if possible, I feel you should try to work this out between the two of you with the best interests of your daughter as the number one priority. You can't make it all pretty, and tie it up with a bow, but you can save her from a lifetime of issues with a little skillful maneuvering at this point..