Monday, July 15, 2013

I Told Her I'm Transitioning

Last Friday night was brutal.

I told my Wife that I am planning to Transition. 

I mentioned this on Facebook, but here's the whole story.

The day started simply enough.  I went to get my hair trimmed at Donna's in Edison, NJ.  The night before, I told Wife that I was going to keep it long.  She asked why, and I told her so I wouldn't have to wear a wig my whole life.  She glared at me.

Then I went to the King of Prussia mall for some lunch.  There I connected with my friend Jen L and we went to visit our friend Erica who just had GCS.

By the time I made it home, Wife was in a pissy mood.  As usual.  So I had dinner, and left.  She asked where I was going, and I told her my storage unit.  Which I did very briefly, then went to my "Big Sister" Mel's place to hang out for a bit, and seek her council.  I was there for a couple of hours, then reconnected with Jen and a mutual friend at Winberies.  By that point, I was in a very down mood.  I'd been stewing on the events of the previous two weeks, among other things.

L to R:  Jen L, Hayden, Me at Winberies in June 2013

The restaurant closed and I went home.  Wife was already in bed, doing a crossword puzzle.  She glared at me as I came in.  "And where were you?"

I stripped down for bed and lay next to her.  I told her exactly where I'd been. 

The past week had been rough.  I'd been getting hammered by her and her mother the whole time.  I mentioned on FB that the previous weekend I lost it on Wife in a store (I didn't write about it in this blog as I wanted something more positive.)  So where last week I lashed out in anger, this week I had a whole different, unplanned reaction:

I started crying uncontrollably. 

All the frustration of the situation- of the night- hit me at once.

I curled up in a fetal position and cried and told her "I'm in so much pain!"  Repeated that several times.  She asked what was wrong.

I told her that I was so scared.  That when I told her about being TG over a year ago, and told her I didn't know where this would end up, that was correct at the time, that I was telling the truth.  But that had changed.  I'd started hormones with her approval, as it possibly may have stopped the inexorable march of the Gender Dysphoria.  It didn't.

Contemplating the Future

I told her again I loved her and didn't want to lose her, but that the pain was too much I was "probably going to transition."

And she started crying.  She said "I know that no one would want this.  I know that you don't want this.  You can't help it."  She repeated that quietly. 

We talked about the possible mortgage, and I told her that I'd understand if she didn't want me around.  I also told her about Spouse support groups.  She still wasn't having any of it.

"This is too much.  Too big" she said.  She repeated that several times.

I kept crying.  I never stopped.

We hugged.  I turned out the light. 

And since then... nothing.  I'm letting her wrap her head around it.

And I'm still scared.  Still have a roof over my head.  For now.

Since I posted this information on Facebook last Saturday, many have posted their good wishes and their thoughts, for which I am eternally grateful.

I took a Major and Necessary step, and did it ever hurt.  But now Wife Knows.  She knows where I am going and now we find out if she's joining me on the journey.

I am under no Illusions.  So very few marriages survive this.  At best, I can hope to manage the Crash, and hope that no one will be permanently hurt.  

"Plan for the worst- hope for the best."  Old paramedic saying. 

Plans are in place awaiting her decision.  Now it's just the waiting.  The Hardest Part.


  1. Rest assured that my thoughts and prayers are with you, Sophie.

  2. I haven't followed your blog for too long, but I went through the same thing a few years ago. My wife was somewhat supportive inasmuch as she saw me in pain and wanted me to get help. After years of counseling and HRT, I finally transitioned. I managed to maintain my relationship and marriage with my wife, but it's still not easy and things are obviously different in our marriage. We still love each other and have made it through these times.

    I'd just like to let you know you're not alone and so many of us have gone through or are going through nearly the same things. My best advice is to continue to surround yourself with people who CARE about you... that doesn't mean be with people who are supportive of your transition. Sometimes those who love us are also at odds with this. Obviously it's a process not just for you but for those around you. If you can understand that and accept that, you'll be able to lessen those stings as those around you try to figure this out at the same time.

    Being authentically you comes at great cost. Don't let anyone else dictate who you really are. And only you know the answer to that.

    Lori B.

  3. I want to wish you all the best as things go forward. My prayers are with you.


  4. Sophie,

    I want to wish you good luck and calm feelings as you move closer towards Transition with this step. Your wife knowing your intention and without an affirmation either way is quite scary. Hopefully, this will play itself out in a way that will be acceptable to you both and not filled with pain. I know in my situation that even though my wife supports me, each day I usually have a pit in my stomach that she'll change her mind. It goes away, but until all is complete I guess we don't really know for sure.

    Thank you for sharing your life for us and for being as bold as you are in charging forward in the world. May your road towards the horizon be smooth.