A version of this was published on TG Forum on Monday, March 16.
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The 12th annual Keystone Conference, set for the end of this month, was cancelled due to concerns over the current pandemic. It was cancelled by the group that runs it: TransCentralPa.
This was the correct action.
Many of our transgender brothers and sisters are older, or have compromised immune systems. If you need an example, the infamous “Con Crud” that goes around gatherings like this. I know I’d survive the Corona virus, but if someone I knew died after contracting it from me, I’d never forgive myself. Ever.
Yes, it was the right response, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. A lot.
Before transition, Keystone was the event that I looked forward to the most- even more than Halloween (and that’s saying something!) It meant several days of being Sophie among people that UNDERSTOOD. I made some wonderful friends at Keystone over the years, many of whom I only see at Keystone. When it ended, the dreaded “Pink Hangover” that each year became deeper and lasted longer. When writing about the conference either in my blog or here, I often quote my dear friend David Denton, who once wrote:
"It was eerie. When I close my eyes and think about the walk to the Dog & Pony on Sunday morning I swear I can hear dying echoes of the most genuinely delightful laughter. It's like hearing ghosts from the past, Sophie."
And it’s so very true. Keystone brings JOY- a palpable Joy that charges the air itself. Most of the attendees go through their day to day lives as guys, but treasure the moments that they can express their inner Truth. For some, this conference is the ONLY time they can do it. And now it’s denied them.
Since I wrote this for the column, I've thought about the years I was "closeted." I remember that blessed relief when I could FINALLY be Sophie again. It was all I could think about the rest of the month- that one night out. Several DAYS in a row? Heaven. I told Wife I was going to an "Instructional Design" convention back then. I hated lying to her- it ate away at what little soul I had left. (That's why I had to tell her eventually.) But- I needed those few days. I needed that release. Like so many of us, the person who arrived at the conference would not be the same person who left it. I learned so much each time- and my experiences helped my "confidence" grow. Eventually, on March 25, 2014, the first day of the 2014 Keystone Conference became my first day living my Truth.
I think about how the conference changed me. I think about all that it means to the TG community at large, especially in Pennsylvania. I think about how much I've changed since coming out.
The Conference doesn’t mean as much to me as it used to- I mean I still love seeing friends and helping girls taking their “first steps” as I did all those years ago. However, since I now live my Truth, it’s no longer the “escape” it once was. For me, it’s no longer an oasis in a painful life of Lies. But for so many others, it IS. That’s what makes it so damn important. That’s why nearly a thousand people were planning to attend this year. That’s the Emptiness that most of them now feel. The organizers understand that. In fact, they had the foresight to put the phone numbers for various Suicide Hotlines on the front page of their website, beneath the cancellation announcement. Because it means THAT much to some people.
I know some attendees will still be going to the Sheraton Harrisburg/Hershey (if we're not on lockdown by then) during that time, just to be there. After all, the hotel staff has been extremely friendly. I may stop by, just to see who is there. After all, I’m only 90 minutes away. Those who are still going Need this time- why else risk health and safety? As I Needed it. If I were still pretending to be Him… yes, I’d still be there the whole time as well, assuming I could afford it. Make no mistake, there IS risk. I know of two people who passed away at transgender conferences such as this (both from heart failure.) There IS risk of infection. This pandemic is no joke.
I also feel so bad for the conference volunteers of TransCentralPa. They worked so hard all year on this, just to have it end by circumstances beyond their control. They put their heart and sweat into this- into making this one of (I think THE) premier TG conferences. They make it look so effortless. It isn’t. I also think about all the money they lost in non-refundable deposits. That hurts too- after all, they’re a volunteer organization. Some people decided to donate their registration fees to TransCentralPa rather than have them refunded. That’s a CLASS move! It helps defray some of the money lost.
If you also wish to donate to defray the losses, their website is HERE.
So we wait for next year. We wait for next spring, when Keystone comes again. We wait for that grand occasion to see dear friends, to show off our gowns and shoes, to be who were really are. As I wrote in a eulogy for a dear friend last year on my blog:
“At that first Keystone Conference, there I sat with maybe 80 other attendees, listening while Dr. Jeanine Ruhsam, then president of TransCentralPA, spoke to us as peers- as family… She spoke about beginnings- about how every journey has one, and that many in the small dining room (only one of the three available- now the conference packs all three) were just beginning our journeys. I was one of them. She also spoke about Community. How all of us were part of something larger- that everyone here Understood what we all felt… For many of us, me included, it was what we needed to hear. I'd grown up thinking I was alone: a freak. I never forgot what she said, or how she made me feel.”
THAT is the power of community, and THAT is the power of the Keystone Conference. There will be a next year. A next Keystone. May we all be there to enjoy it.
Be well.
*************************************************************************
The 12th annual Keystone Conference, set for the end of this month, was cancelled due to concerns over the current pandemic. It was cancelled by the group that runs it: TransCentralPa.
This was the correct action.
Many of our transgender brothers and sisters are older, or have compromised immune systems. If you need an example, the infamous “Con Crud” that goes around gatherings like this. I know I’d survive the Corona virus, but if someone I knew died after contracting it from me, I’d never forgive myself. Ever.
Yes, it was the right response, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. A lot.
My Nametag, had it happened.
"It was eerie. When I close my eyes and think about the walk to the Dog & Pony on Sunday morning I swear I can hear dying echoes of the most genuinely delightful laughter. It's like hearing ghosts from the past, Sophie."
And it’s so very true. Keystone brings JOY- a palpable Joy that charges the air itself. Most of the attendees go through their day to day lives as guys, but treasure the moments that they can express their inner Truth. For some, this conference is the ONLY time they can do it. And now it’s denied them.
Since I wrote this for the column, I've thought about the years I was "closeted." I remember that blessed relief when I could FINALLY be Sophie again. It was all I could think about the rest of the month- that one night out. Several DAYS in a row? Heaven. I told Wife I was going to an "Instructional Design" convention back then. I hated lying to her- it ate away at what little soul I had left. (That's why I had to tell her eventually.) But- I needed those few days. I needed that release. Like so many of us, the person who arrived at the conference would not be the same person who left it. I learned so much each time- and my experiences helped my "confidence" grow. Eventually, on March 25, 2014, the first day of the 2014 Keystone Conference became my first day living my Truth.
I think about how the conference changed me. I think about all that it means to the TG community at large, especially in Pennsylvania. I think about how much I've changed since coming out.
The Conference doesn’t mean as much to me as it used to- I mean I still love seeing friends and helping girls taking their “first steps” as I did all those years ago. However, since I now live my Truth, it’s no longer the “escape” it once was. For me, it’s no longer an oasis in a painful life of Lies. But for so many others, it IS. That’s what makes it so damn important. That’s why nearly a thousand people were planning to attend this year. That’s the Emptiness that most of them now feel. The organizers understand that. In fact, they had the foresight to put the phone numbers for various Suicide Hotlines on the front page of their website, beneath the cancellation announcement. Because it means THAT much to some people.
At the Dog and Pony, March 12, 2020
I know some attendees will still be going to the Sheraton Harrisburg/Hershey (if we're not on lockdown by then) during that time, just to be there. After all, the hotel staff has been extremely friendly. I may stop by, just to see who is there. After all, I’m only 90 minutes away. Those who are still going Need this time- why else risk health and safety? As I Needed it. If I were still pretending to be Him… yes, I’d still be there the whole time as well, assuming I could afford it. Make no mistake, there IS risk. I know of two people who passed away at transgender conferences such as this (both from heart failure.) There IS risk of infection. This pandemic is no joke.
I also feel so bad for the conference volunteers of TransCentralPa. They worked so hard all year on this, just to have it end by circumstances beyond their control. They put their heart and sweat into this- into making this one of (I think THE) premier TG conferences. They make it look so effortless. It isn’t. I also think about all the money they lost in non-refundable deposits. That hurts too- after all, they’re a volunteer organization. Some people decided to donate their registration fees to TransCentralPa rather than have them refunded. That’s a CLASS move! It helps defray some of the money lost.
If you also wish to donate to defray the losses, their website is HERE.
So we wait for next year. We wait for next spring, when Keystone comes again. We wait for that grand occasion to see dear friends, to show off our gowns and shoes, to be who were really are. As I wrote in a eulogy for a dear friend last year on my blog:
“At that first Keystone Conference, there I sat with maybe 80 other attendees, listening while Dr. Jeanine Ruhsam, then president of TransCentralPA, spoke to us as peers- as family… She spoke about beginnings- about how every journey has one, and that many in the small dining room (only one of the three available- now the conference packs all three) were just beginning our journeys. I was one of them. She also spoke about Community. How all of us were part of something larger- that everyone here Understood what we all felt… For many of us, me included, it was what we needed to hear. I'd grown up thinking I was alone: a freak. I never forgot what she said, or how she made me feel.”
THAT is the power of community, and THAT is the power of the Keystone Conference. There will be a next year. A next Keystone. May we all be there to enjoy it.
Be well.
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