Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Sharing

Note:  I dictated this on Sunday morning.  A lot has changed since then.  Not for the good.  But here it is anyway.

Oh, and that day I was misgendered three times.

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It is a rainy winter Sunday morning.  I woke up with my alarm.  I will have to go to work today.

However, as usual, after the alarm goes off,  I'm staring at the ceiling- wondering why why why should I even keep going?  The Darkness has me firmly,  and perhaps, if I hadn't gotten rid of the method, this entry would not be taking place.

But the fact of the matter is that I did get rid of the method, and this conversation is taking place, as are the feelings.  I considered going onto facial book and expressing how I feel; to get some support from my sisters  and from my friends.  But I decided against it. I don't want to be perceived as even more of a whiner than I am.  I don't want to be that person who's always looking for sympathy. I've gone through my entire life fending for myself, and perhaps I've been spoiled by the amazing support of the community.

Do I share too much?  That is the question.

This Blog has been going on for over eight years, and in it I have bared my soul.  I can't say that it's not without repercussions.  It's this blog that my mother-in-law found that caused her to throw me out.  This blog that has caused the company I work for  "concern." And yet I to continue I post some things that are happy some things that are fiction; some things that are political; however, for the most part I just post what I feel like.  I post how I feel like because to me that's what this blog is about. Maybe that's why I don't have that many readers.

Well that's fine.  In a way I do write it for readers.  I'd like to have my voice heard.  I like to think I make a difference, and, every once in a while, I hear that I do.  So that keeps me going, but it still doesn't answer the question: do I share too much?  Should I just shut up, man up, and keep rolling?

The male part of me is gone. It's dead- except for some loose ends that still need to be tied up, but probably never will be.  I am legally female.  My name is legally changed.  Both of these procedures took a long time.  Both these procedures are in danger of being lost.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared.  As I said before somewhere, I like to think I am past that or at least I'd like to think I am. I don't know, part of me still wants to curl up in a ball.  A bigger part of me just wants it to be over with to meet Lisa in the Light, but not today.

Gratuitous Sophie Pic

So I threw my legs over the side of the bed, stood up, heard my knees crack as they always do, and shuffled over to the bathroom to get a shower; to slap on my face; and to go to work-  because not only is that what's expected of me: it's required lest I lose the apartment. If I lose the apartment, myself and Linda are homeless. In the end, I absolutely do not care what happens to me, but I don't want Linda to be affected by it. I don't want my daughter to be.

Maybe that's why I'm still here and still breathing and wondering if I share too much.

So it is still a rainy winter Sunday morning.  It's gray; it's glum; and gloomy.  It is a typical Southeast Pennsylvania winter day, except that it is not snowing. As I go to work, I think about what will happen today.  How will I make a difference?

Yesterday, I was misgendered twice, so today I am wearing something that shows just a little more cleavage.  I did my makeup with just a little more care because the misgendering stabs me in the heart.  Every single time.  Still, every time, it hurts.

I know: "get over it."  But I can't help that part- I can't help my heart. I can't help myself. I can't help the way my brain was built. I can't help the Darkness.  All I can do is fight, fight, fight, and I am so tired of fighting.

But that's what they're counting on- those in power today.  That after so many atrocities, we as a nation will grow tired of fighting, and just let them have their way.  People keep saying that they know how this movie ends- that we will win, and I wish I could believe that.

But I don't.

I really don't.

Evil will have its way.  It did in Germany, and it took millions of brave lives to fix it. I wonder how many millions of lives it will take to fix this one.  Perhaps even billions.

Because it WILL happen.  It's already started.  The roundups have begun.  First they came for the Muslims... and they have Quotas to meet!  Because Evil is Evil, and now Evil is in charge.

Some people may disagree- that's your prerogative, but this is my blog and this is what I'm sharing for today.

Be well.

11 comments:

  1. Sophie, I have followed your journey through work groups, and a bit on this blog. I am awed by your courage, your determination, and your insistence on truth. Please, talk to someone. Know that you're not alone. Survival is harder than giving up, I know. But the world needs you in it. Your daughter needs you in it. You may not hear us all the time, but we are listening. It matters. You matter. You are loved.

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  2. I second what Cami says in her comment. We need you now to be with us. Hugs

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  3. Sophie, I know things seem dark and I can't even begin to know your struggle and pain. Just know that there are many of us who will stand with you and fight for you and we won't let evil win. You matter. You deserve light and happiness and we are here to help you fight, even if it's complete shit that you have to fight for it in the first place. It's easy for us to say "stay strong," but we say it because we don't know what else to do. Please, if there is something anyone can do, let them do it for you. i wish I could lend you my strength; please know that I am carrying you in my thoughts.

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  4. Sophie you are such a lively and beautiful presence, and I am so deeply sorry for the prejudice and ignorance the world mistakenly attributes to you. Know that many of us are still trying to fight for good. Love and light to you always.

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  5. I only know you from the bookseller page but I always enjoy reading your post. I'm sorry about the depression you are going through, although I do understand it in a limited way. Hang in there, be yourself, we will all be ok.

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  6. Sophie, I am one of your readers as we work for the same company. I have so much respect for your bravery. I can not begin to imagine the struggles you have faced, but I do suffer from depression and bi-polar type 2. Since November when this terrible national crisis blew up I have many days when it all seems too much. So far I survive because my adult son has told me how deeply losing me would hurt him. I wish I could speak to you in person to say how much YOU matter to so many of us.

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  7. Barbara from New JerseyFebruary 15, 2017 at 1:08 AM

    Fellow company person here. Just sending vibes on what I think is the worse day of the year (Valentine's). I've gotten through 42 of them since I first met my husband. No cards, flowers, gifts, EVER. No hugs, no kisses, no "I love you" s. I married a man with Asperger's Syndrome, who is also an alcoholic...no joke, fact! I got through because I know I'd be missed by others. I got through because I know that the winter is ending and Spring (and the light) is just around the corner. I got through because I looked in the mirror and saw my chunky self and smiled. I LIKE ME!! That's it. So even though I don't know you, and I can not imagine what it is like to be you, or to have lived through what you have courageously accomplished, I would venture to guess that when you look in the mirror you see what we see in the pictures you post. I hope you see that you exude confidence, professionalism, integrity, and bravery. When you add in the kindness, the humor, the generous helping of spirited love that flows from your writing you must realize there is PLENTY to like. The atmosphere of "awful" surrounds us all, especially during this season(not to mention administration) and in my lifetime this is the worse. But girl, the times WILL change, and you don't want to miss the good stuff. And there is good stuff in EVERY DAY.
    I am like you and I'm not . (for hundreds of reasons) but know this...the good always floats to the top, so let it bubble up and smile at that woman in the mirror, cause I like her !! And I haven't even met her :D.

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  8. Sophie -

    Like you, I worry about the fascist in charge. But I have faith that this time, the people will triumph over evil. We know what was done before, and there are enough of us to hamstring our opposition, buying time until the next election - where this would-be dictator can be stopped.

    But faith is not enough. Evil is bubbling up. Innocent children brought here illegally by their parents are getting deported to lands where they have no roots. Bullies are attacking GLBTIQ people because and only because we are "different". Poor people are being disenfranchised, simply because they see evil for what it is. Only we can stop the problem, and that's by throwing a monkey wrench into the mechanism.

    Keep strong - we all need to preserve our strength for the battles ahead. Evil survives because people believe the lies evil people need to tell to hold on to power. Let's puncture their bubbles of lies together....

    M

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  9. Sophie it's always darkest before the dawn. If you give up "they" have won. Everyone has their own journey and their own mountains to climb. Some have a more spectacular view when they reach the top; some are just happy that they were able to climb at all. In this time of deep darkness in our country it is incumbent upon all of us to protect the rights and freedom that afforded you to live an authentic life. This is the time for all of us to stand together for your rights, for my rights, for all of our rights. You've stared down the face of fear before - now you have so many more to stand with you. Take our hands - we are stronger together - you are not alone.

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  11. i think you get so carried away. you are very lucky to be born in this country.

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