Saturday, February 25, 2017

The Nature

What is the Nature of this Pain?

Why do I feel this way?  It is a familiar feeling- I've felt it many times before.

I knew long ago that by following my Truth, that there would be Sacrifices.  I knew what I was surrendering by following this path.

What I Need is so far away- a distant Light in the Darkness.  I know I will never reach it.  Not in this life anyway.

I haven't walked alone- no far from it.  So many friends- so many dear ones.  All prodding me along- some gently, some not so.  There are many who would lift me to the light ahead- and many who say I should turn away.


I reach and I reach.  I stretch and strain.  But that goal is beyond my reach.  Too distant.

I feel an old familiar Pain.  I want what I cannot have.  I can't even speak of it, because to do so would cause even more Pain.  I know what I have lost- I know what I've given up.  I will never have that which I desire.  Who.  Why.

The Light is so far away.

So. I've felt this before.  I will do what I have before.  Deny myself.  Isolate.  Curl up in a ball and let the Pain wash over and through me.  As it will.  Does that work?  Yes.  I've done it many times- and it's the only way I know.

But it leaves Scars.  There are always Scars.

My entire soul is a Scar.  Deep.  Unending.

Scars to outnumber the stars on a clear desert night.  Deeper than the night sky.


Scars.  Stars.

So many.  The Light of the distant stars is no comfort.  My goal seems far more distant than any of them.

And so I curl up, so I can't see them.  I can't see the Stars.  All I see are the Scars.

In the Darkness, I wait for the Pain to subside.