The Nature

What is the Nature of this Pain?

Why do I feel this way?  It is a familiar feeling- I've felt it many times before.

I knew long ago that by following my Truth, that there would be Sacrifices.  I knew what I was surrendering by following this path.

What I Need is so far away- a distant Light in the Darkness.  I know I will never reach it.  Not in this life anyway.

I haven't walked alone- no far from it.  So many friends- so many dear ones.  All prodding me along- some gently, some not so.  There are many who would lift me to the light ahead- and many who say I should turn away.

Goals.

I reach and I reach.  I stretch and strain.  But that goal is beyond my reach.  Too distant.


I feel an old familiar Pain.  I want what I cannot have.  I can't even speak of it, because to do so would cause even more Pain.  I know what I have lost- I know what I've given up.  I will never have that which I desire.  Who.  Why.

The Light is so far away.

So. I've felt this before.  I will do what I have before.  Deny myself.  Isolate.  Curl up in a ball and let the Pain wash over and through me.  As it will.  Does that work?  Yes.  I've done it many times- and it's the only way I know.

But it leaves Scars.  There are always Scars.

My entire soul is a Scar.  Deep.  Unending.

Scars to outnumber the stars on a clear desert night.  Deeper than the night sky.

Source:  https://heatherevephotography.com/starscape/milky-way-from-the-desert/

Scars.  Stars.

So many.  The Light of the distant stars is no comfort.  My goal seems far more distant than any of them.

And so I curl up, so I can't see them.  I can't see the Stars.  All I see are the Scars.

In the Darkness, I wait for the Pain to subside.