Friday, December 9, 2016


For those of you unlucky enough to be on my Facialbook, you've probably saw that I measure a good or bad shift at work by how many times I get misgendered.  Why?  Because it happens pretty much every day.

Many people have sent me ideas as to how I can improve my presentation, like to check my voice, change my hair, get big implants, or something.  I don't know.

However, many people don't understand what the big deal is; just shrug it off and keep going.  Walk It Off.  Put on your big girl panties.

It simply is not that easy.  You see, every single time someone does this, it feels like they are punching me hard in the stomach while simultaneously slapping me in the face.  They usually do this as they are leaving.

"Thank you, SIR."

In fact, the pervasiveness of it makes me wonder if it's an organized thing.  Am I being paranoid? Probably.  However, there is a church nearby that has sponsored speakers in favor of conversion therapy, especially for Trans people.  One of them has already been told they can't speak to me.  I wrote about her previously.

I don't know, and I frankly don't care at this point.

The fact is that it happens every Goddamn day for the most part.

Let's face it dear reader I am 6'1" tall, and I weigh approximately 250 pounds now.  I have aircraft carrier shoulders, and a face that belongs on a Neanderthal.  There's no way in hell I pass as a woman, even a grotesquely ugly one.


It is currently the Christmas season, and the rich people who patronize our store are getting more and more feral.  And in their "holiday spirit," they make it a point to insult me on their way out.  The management of the store says I should just report these people to them as they come through, but these people always do it when they're leaving, so that by the time I can get a manager to the front, that person is long gone, and, in fact, this time of year as soon as that person goes that I have another grumpy face in front of me.

So in other words, I'm on my own.

And my hands are tied- I can say Nothing. I can do Nothing.

And They know it.

So, dear reader, if you want to come around and punch me in the stomach and slap me in the face, know that I will have to smile at you as you do so, and wish you a good day, because that is my life.

And people wonder why the Darkness has me.

Be Well.


  1. That's really tough, I suppose that the big problem with working with the public, is the public.

  2. Honey they are lucky I am not you, When someone misgenders me I look them dead in the eye, normally that's enough because in a few seconds they correct themselves

  3. Sophie -

    The fact that there is a certain church nearby could mean you are being misgendered on purpose. If you recognize a repeat face, then you might be able to do something about it. Sadly, once these congregations find a target, there is not much that can be done. Pick your battles carefully. You may simply want to deliberately misgender them in return and deny it if they complain. Ask your manager for an appropriate strategy, especially if you feel that it is the result of that church's deliberate attempts to attack you.

    If I were there when someone did this to you, I'd confront them for you, as I'm not an employee. And I'd make a big stink about this person and his/her church, saying that their place of worship is that of the devil himself. That would piss off the person - and you'd just stand there smiling at the customer who came to your defense.

    These are the people I hate. And sadly, as civilized people, we can't take them out to the nearest tree and hold a necktie party. Damned shame, isn't it?


  4. Sophie, based on the picture in this post, you not only pass, you are absolutely lovely. Hang in there. The voice for many is probably the biggest give-away.

    Calie xx

  5. I really can't see why this is happening to you so often. I've read through many of your posts and seen quite a few pictures of you, including your DL. You are a very beautiful 40something woman, and how anyone can see anything different is a mystery to me.

    I read a few references to you "Neanderthal face". Here's some advice I needed to take to heart, I hope it helps you too: as transwomen we always see more of the "male" poking through (face too square, chin too pointed, etc..) because we know our history. Other people don't have that baggage, they see us for who we are.

  6. In this entry you said, "There's no way in hell I pass as a woman, even a grotesquely ugly one." Dear Sophie, myself and a mutual friend of ours would strongly disagree. I'm wondering if you had considered going to the cosmetic counter of a department store on your day off. Not because you need anything, because as everyone here knows, you don't. But because you need to be pampered and affirmed, and that is one of the places where that can happen, and not for a whole lot of money. Do something for yourself girl, you're definitely worth it!

    If the church nearby is an influence on a lot of people as you suspect, I sincerely hope that the minister isn't goading their parishioners on. What they say about the devil quoting scripture is very true. These days that's done from behind many pulpits!

    Remember your pride, dignity, and class! <3

    SRW =¡=

  7. I agree with Janet. It is not your look. It has to be your voice/mannerisms. Perhaps an adjustment can be made there as well as a most important change of venue. If you are being targeted, there is little chance that will change no matter what you do. In my opinion, confrontational attitudes like Marian's are not productive.
    You cannot force people to change their minds, Mind control just does not yet exist.

  8. Proactive will always trump reactive. It is likely a few elements that are adding up to you being perennially misgendered, and if you just want to wallow in it then by all means continue to press on and suffer the slings and arrows that life will continue to hurl your way. If you want different results then you have to make changes and commit to them. Not like the rest of us don't have the exact same problems to overcome, yet it doesn't happen to us daily. Onlly you can fix this, and so long as you remain determined to collect these wounds like a martyr on a cross, the blame for it lies pretty solidly on you.

    Big girl panties my ass. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Give them a presentation they can't argue with and surprise, you will get a lot less hassle. Even I catch that shit from time to time, and there is nothing about me that says 'go ahead, piss me off'.

    Yeah, I know, I'm a bitch. Heard it all before, feel free to blame me because I am unsympathetic and clearly I don't understand. I mean, not like I have been doing this for a decade or so, thus obviously I have no idea what I'm talking about. It ain't you, its the rest of the world all out to get you. Clearly.

    You have resources, with not a dime spent you can make significant changes. So stop complaining about your lot in life and start taking action to make it better. Because continuing to complain while making no effort to rectify it like this isn't helping anyone- least of all you.

  9. Some people are just s***s, that makes them inferior to you. Hold that thought.

    Then again you could direct them to the nearest ophthalmologist...

  10. Generic ally dude here.
    Looking at your picture, I have to believe they are doing it on purpose.
    You're not even in the 'I'm not sure' range- you're female and assume female pronouns. I've run across a few people I wasn't sure on, and I may fumble on neutral pronouns. I wouldn't in your case unless you almost went out of your way to present more masculine. You could look like my father in the outfit you have on there and I'd still say miss or ma'am.
    I agree with coline's post. Start carrying cards for an ophthalmologist... Cuz it ain't your look. Wish I could say something more supportive. :/