Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Creating Pain

Ok so I've gotten comments on my last entry; here, on facialbook, and privately.

I figured I'd answer publicly.

Why Not?  After all, I posted the beginning publicly.

Several people have taken issue with my posts.  They say I'm too negative.  That I create my own pain.  In the person's words of a person I greatly admire, but haven't met yet:

"Look, you honestly seem to delight in your own suffering...  You create your own circumstances and control your choices.  You make your own bed, then complain it's on fire... Just don't expect sympathy when you make it clear you are deeply and passionately in love with your own self-inflicted suffering."  

(That bit is from a private communication and is used WITHOUT her permission.  I will remove it if she desires.)

And the worst part is- I can't say she's Wrong.

What does that say about me?

Two People said I looked like a guy the day I took this.

I mean after all, it's all MY fault. That's what I get for transitioning, not taking voice lessons, hair lessons, dressing the way I prefer, living here, keeping this job, and drawing breath.

ALL MY FAULT. I ACCEPT FULL RESPONSIBILITY.

Anger is all I've known all my life.  I don't know anything else.  I know I hurt.  I know my hurt affects others, and that makes me hurt more.  So I want to eliminate that hurt.

My dear friend Jenny North wrote me and said:

"... Change is always scary...letting go of your pain isn't easy sometimes!  {break]  Owning your pain is one thing, but getting mired in it because you're worried about the alternative is something else."

To which I replied:

"I'm not worried about the alternative.  I WANT the alternative.  But some people who I care about deeply don't.  And I'd rather suffer than hurt them."

(I can hear it now:  "you're such a pathetic martyr!")

If you're keeping score at home, that's one person who I greatly admire pissed off at me, several readers pissed off, and a couple who have dropped away...

Pissing people off is my mutant power.

Anyway.

So my next entry won't be so negative.

Give the people what they want.


Be well.

6 comments:

  1. Sophie -

    Your only choice was to be honest about who and what you are. Any resulting pain was caused by others who can't deal with that fact. I'd say "Screw them all", but it isn't worth the 30 minutes spent on each one of them. Hopefully, you'll find a good way to deal with the "Slings and Arrows of Outrageous Indignity" and keep your composure.

    May you experience as much joy and love as possible in this season....

    M

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  2. It really isn't about what other people want. It's about what you want, but you know that already. I guess the simple thing to do is to identify just what it is that causes you that pain which hurts so much you want it all to end...and then do what needs be done to STOP the pain.
    Sounds simple I know and easier said than done, but then good things don't come easy.
    So what is it Sophie? Can you be honest and spill it all here to those that actually might love you and those who really do not care.
    Does it matter to you if some anonymous 'name' on the internet cares one way or the other?
    These are difficult words I know, but avoiding them just condemns you to more of the same. Remember that ol' definition of insanity? You know...the one about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?
    Having followed your blog for several years now, the one thing that has impressed me is your utter and totally stubborn denial in the face of the realities right before your eyes.
    These 'realities' are the same ones everyone in our situation MUST overcome.
    Blogging about them, complaining, won't help. The only thing that will allow you to overcome those things which stand in your way is to channel that stubbornness, and focus it on removing those things which stand between YOU and what you NEED.
    I won't lie to you. It is not easy. You have to be very precise and deadly honest. There is no other way. You have to reduce things down to the little itty bitty details....and then fix them one at a time, one after the other.

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    Replies
    1. "the one thing that has impressed me is your utter and totally stubborn denial in the face of the realities right before your eyes."

      That IMPRESSED you?

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    2. Yes Sophie. That is impressive. And here is why. This stubbornness is a tremendous strength. Sadly, IMHO, it is wasted on your anger and your pain. It is a strength that would be better spent on changing/removing those circumstances which cause you pain. Why continue to subject yourself to the abuse of others? Is it really that hard to find a better and more financially rewarding job...just for starters?

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    3. So yeah....Get some sleep. Its late.

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  3. I'm going to embrace my inner Fred Rogers for a moment and tell you that I love you exactly as you are. You're genuine in what you share, and authenticity is rare these days.
    Write about what you want; happy, sad, doesn't matter. You keep being your honest self, and there are many folks that will keep reading. The days are not all dark, and the sun does come out in your words. Dark is ok too.
    And to the folks feeling the need to be critical about what you say...
    "The world is difficult and we are all breakable. So just be kind."

    ReplyDelete