Of late, I've been re-evaluating my life. Such as it is.
And so it was that, on Saturday, September 17, my roomie and bestie Linda and I went to dinner. We did this for several reasons. The most obvious was the generous gift I'd received which allowed me to do so.
Also, we were there to mark my 50th birthday a few days before- a day when I had plans, but didn't carry them out.
As veteran readers of this blog, September 17th has deep significance to me, as well as to many others.
On September 17, 2013, the world learned that my dearest friend, Lisa Empanada, was dead. Suicide. The Darkness took her.
The past few years, this day has been one of reflection and tears. I make sure I'm available to her soulmate Sandy if she needs a shoulder or ear. But this year, she had plans.
I decided that this year, I'd do something different: I'd CELEBRATE Lisa's life, instead of dwelling on how much I miss her. Like I do every other day of the year.
But not just Lisa's life. Suddenly, I had to live. I hadn't planned on that. So I figured I'd take a night to Enjoy who and what I am. Strut instead of sulk.
So. Who and what am I?
I am a Woman. With all that means. True, I will never be able to bear children, but that doesn't define womanhood. I have worked hard to become who I am today. So, I decided to enjoy the fruits of my labors.
You see, that's something I'd forgotten. The Joy of Womanhood. Back when I was only able to be me for one night a month, I absolutely enjoyed being female. I enjoyed looking down and seeing breasts and hearing my heels clack on the ground. Of course there is FAR more to being a woman than that, but these little things brought me immense Joy.
So that night, I'd made reservations at a fancy dining establishment for Linda and myself. I put on my favorite dress- one that makes me feel good about myself. I wore strappy heels. And do you know what, dear reader? When I looked into the mirror, for the first time in an eternity, I felt beautiful. I thought I looked Hot. So, after checking my makeup one last time, I turned and walked to the car, shoulders back, chest out, feeling Confident.
Linda and I were seated quickly. We toasted to Lisa. We toasted to Life. We toasted Amanda Parnell (whose generosity made the night possible.) We toasted absent friends. We ate well, and we laughed.
As dinner came to a close, I said I wanted to finish our wine at the bar, which was all the way across the restaurant. Why? I wanted to "shake my ass across the room" so everyone could see me- see a confident Woman, free from her own chains, if only for a night.
And we did. Then we walked back across the room to the exit. From there, we went to Baxters for Angela's Laptop Lounge. There I met my "Big Sister" Mel, and we talked for a while. I also met Lynda Martini, who I'd been Facialbook friends with for a while. She was a delight!
It was a night for counting my blessings. Linda and I called it an early night, as she had to work in the morning. After returning to the apartment, I decided to do something I hadn't done in a while: gaze into the mirror after coming back from a LL.
I used to look in the mirror one last time before cleaning off my makeup and changing into my male clothes. I often would say to my reflection "Goodbye Sophie." As time went on, that became more and more painful.
But that night, I looked in the mirror, and I smiled. I didn't have to pull off a wig. I didn't have to remove breast forms or carry a box of my girl stuff to my car from the motel room. No, that night, I smiled and ran my fingers through my long hair. I removed my dress and bra and saw my large, natural breasts. Not forms. I almost cried from joy.
The person reflected in the mirror was a Woman. And she is me!
The Darkness clouds my vision. Yet that night, I saw myself clearly. I saw that while I still have a long path ahead, I have come a very long way.
And that- that made me Very Happy.
Be well.
And so it was that, on Saturday, September 17, my roomie and bestie Linda and I went to dinner. We did this for several reasons. The most obvious was the generous gift I'd received which allowed me to do so.
Also, we were there to mark my 50th birthday a few days before- a day when I had plans, but didn't carry them out.
As veteran readers of this blog, September 17th has deep significance to me, as well as to many others.
On September 17, 2013, the world learned that my dearest friend, Lisa Empanada, was dead. Suicide. The Darkness took her.
The past few years, this day has been one of reflection and tears. I make sure I'm available to her soulmate Sandy if she needs a shoulder or ear. But this year, she had plans.
I decided that this year, I'd do something different: I'd CELEBRATE Lisa's life, instead of dwelling on how much I miss her. Like I do every other day of the year.
But not just Lisa's life. Suddenly, I had to live. I hadn't planned on that. So I figured I'd take a night to Enjoy who and what I am. Strut instead of sulk.
So. Who and what am I?
I am a Woman. With all that means. True, I will never be able to bear children, but that doesn't define womanhood. I have worked hard to become who I am today. So, I decided to enjoy the fruits of my labors.
You see, that's something I'd forgotten. The Joy of Womanhood. Back when I was only able to be me for one night a month, I absolutely enjoyed being female. I enjoyed looking down and seeing breasts and hearing my heels clack on the ground. Of course there is FAR more to being a woman than that, but these little things brought me immense Joy.
A Lifetime ago: fake boobs, hip pads, corset, and a wig.
So that night, I'd made reservations at a fancy dining establishment for Linda and myself. I put on my favorite dress- one that makes me feel good about myself. I wore strappy heels. And do you know what, dear reader? When I looked into the mirror, for the first time in an eternity, I felt beautiful. I thought I looked Hot. So, after checking my makeup one last time, I turned and walked to the car, shoulders back, chest out, feeling Confident.
Linda and I were seated quickly. We toasted to Lisa. We toasted to Life. We toasted Amanda Parnell (whose generosity made the night possible.) We toasted absent friends. We ate well, and we laughed.
Toasting my huge forehead
As dinner came to a close, I said I wanted to finish our wine at the bar, which was all the way across the restaurant. Why? I wanted to "shake my ass across the room" so everyone could see me- see a confident Woman, free from her own chains, if only for a night.
And we did. Then we walked back across the room to the exit. From there, we went to Baxters for Angela's Laptop Lounge. There I met my "Big Sister" Mel, and we talked for a while. I also met Lynda Martini, who I'd been Facialbook friends with for a while. She was a delight!
With Lynda Martini
It was a night for counting my blessings. Linda and I called it an early night, as she had to work in the morning. After returning to the apartment, I decided to do something I hadn't done in a while: gaze into the mirror after coming back from a LL.
I used to look in the mirror one last time before cleaning off my makeup and changing into my male clothes. I often would say to my reflection "Goodbye Sophie." As time went on, that became more and more painful.
But that night, I looked in the mirror, and I smiled. I didn't have to pull off a wig. I didn't have to remove breast forms or carry a box of my girl stuff to my car from the motel room. No, that night, I smiled and ran my fingers through my long hair. I removed my dress and bra and saw my large, natural breasts. Not forms. I almost cried from joy.
Late Late at Night
The person reflected in the mirror was a Woman. And she is me!
The Darkness clouds my vision. Yet that night, I saw myself clearly. I saw that while I still have a long path ahead, I have come a very long way.
And that- that made me Very Happy.
Be well.
That was a wonderful entry. I could sense your happiness. You have come a long way. I hope we have many more years ahead yet.
ReplyDeleteI'm sitting here in the VA reading this...the feelings of empowerment and hope are so powerful that I'm in tears. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteI only got to know Lisa 2 month before Sept 2013. But I was quite impressed by her vividness, kindness and all. Sure I was not able to look into her thoughts, but I still remember some little chats with her on FB - and she keeps popping up on my mind! Yes, in a way of saying yes to womanhood! She won't disappear as long as I am alive as a woman!
ReplyDeleteIt was so cool meeting you, Linda and Mel at the Laptop Lounge Sophie. Your blogs always give me a real sense about what it's like being a woman.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your feeling much better about life...You are truly happy now.
ReplyDelete