Thursday, September 22, 2016

Now What? A Ramble.

It's a week after my birthday and I wonder what my next Direction in life will be.
I spent months planning for last week just to screw it up in the end.  So now what?  I guess I'll have to make more plans.  I'll have to figure out a way to get a better job despite having a loser resume. Several people have it volunteered to help with that, so I guess I'll take them up on it.

I heard today that I didn't get a Jim Collins Foundation Grant, which I expected. After all, I'm not young and pretty enough or passible.  Or maybe I guess I don't do enough Outreach work- you know having a full-time job and all that. In any case, for whatever the reason I suck and I didn't get it, so that means no GCS in my future.

I really don't know what to do next.

I'm still very tired I still have very little hope.

Notice I just wrote "very little" as opposed to "no."

Jenny North was right: maybe it was just a glimmer of hope that stayed my hand on the 13th.  I don't know.  I guess I don't know anything.  Obviously, since I can't even be hired by a grocery store stocking shelves.

Late Saturday Night

I took last weekend off of work, as I have for the past 2 years. I wanted to be available for Sandy Empanada if she needed me.  After all, the 17th was the anniversary of the day we lost Lisa.  So I took the weekend off, but she was not home.  She had plans elsewhere. I had the weekend off.  It was nice to sleep in.  I saw my daughter, and I got a few things done that needed doing.  Apartment is still a mess though.

I also helped a friend move.  Dani was there for me at the bookstore when I transitioned.  She was very outspoken in her support.   Now she needed help, so I was there.  I'm glad I could do that for her.

Thank you for a Wonderful dinner Friday night, Jake and Rhea!  

Anyway there was an outpouring of emotion after I posted the last blog entry.  It floored me!  I didn't expect it.

There were people saying they would fly in for my funeral, and these are people who I barely know. Why would they do this?  Am I more a symbol in death?

I received some wonderful messages, and I want to thank all of you for keeping me in your thoughts. I still say I don't deserve it, but I do appreciate it more than I can say.

Yes, I am out of danger, but the Darkness is still there- still waiting- and, barring accidents, will probably be the reason of my death someday.  But not today.

Birthday Drink

Today is not that day.  Today is the first day of fall: the Autumnal Equinox.  Today, the Darkness doesn't have me by the throat like it did for months.

I had a wonderful weekend with friends and family.  I needed that.

I know this entry is Rambling. I'm doing it speech to text, and I'll edit later.

It's a beautiful morning today. I have to work later, but I am alive, and I am out of danger.

Be Well.


  1. Sophie, these people were trying to tell you how much they cared - even though they have never met you in person. Stop saying that you don't deserve it. We ALL have a right to be cared for. You need and deserve that care. And I'm glad you can know a small fraction of how many lives you affect by your presence on this earth.....


  2. I, for one, am glad you are here for the first day of Autumn. You are so right about it being a beautiful day. I also agree that you deserve to be cared about. So many people care about you. We, you and I, will make it through these coming months, and we will be better for it. Hugs from your bestie.

  3. Hope is a wonderful thing. Without hope I don't think I would have made it through the past two years. I was happy to read your blog this week it made me inspired to do more. Your friend in Fairbanks Alaska, Dorlen.

  4. I for one am very happy your still around. I have meet some wonderful folks blogging as Robin and in my other male blog. Please think of your self as a pioneer of sorts, you are leading the way for so many of us, girls. God has a plan for you, as he intervened that fateful day. He will guide you, trust in him.

  5. When I was fighting depression my apartment got messy--I mean like "there's no clear path to the door" messy--it got so overwhelming I felt worse and worse. Finally one day I worked up the energy to work on it a little and I was like, "I don't even know where to begin!" But then I realized it didn't matter where I started...since the mess was everywhere, I could start anywhere.

    Sophie, I'm so glad you've won a battle against your depression, but right now it's still your main enemy. It's whispering not to bother, not to try, that you're not good enough, all those dirty lies. So you beat it back an inch at a time by ignoring it and trying. The way you looked for work, applied for the grant, helped your friend move, these are ALL good things! While the depression has you, you need to gauge your success based on the scale of your efforts, not on the outcomes.

    If you're not sure what to do, do things that beat the darkness back that feed your spirit. Read a book to learn something new. Help someone who needs it. Go for a walk. Call a friend. Write a story. It doesn't have to be big to build momentum, but it DOES have to be something positive and enriching. (So no, vegging out on the couch and watching TV or wasting time on Facebook doesn't count!)

    And yes, the life problems of job hunting and such will still be there, so you'll have to deal with those, too. But once you build yourself back up a little, I promise those won't seem so insurmountable, either. You've made a HUGE win by going from no hope at all to having a little glimmer of hope. It's okay to take care of it and fan it into a flame. :)