Monday, September 12, 2016

What do I Want for my Birthday?

"Want" is such a strange word.

My birthday is coming up, and it's the one that people say it's a big one.  On September 13th, I will be fifty years old.  Fifty is a round number.  There are a lot of people who deserve to live this long who didn't live to be this age, and a lot of people who don't deserve it who live far past it.  (see Trump, Donald J.)  In any case, it's my turn to be fifty.  Lisa made it to 52.

A Certain Age

Aging doesn't really bother me as much as it used to.  It used to cause me extreme fits of nostalgia and even rage at the idea that things were changing- that I was getting old.  But change is the only constant.

People ask me "what do you want for your birthday?" Not many people, mind you, because, in the end, very few people are that close in my life anymore. There's my roomie and bestie Linda. There's my Wife and my daughter, and, as far as people with whom I hang out with any frequency, that's really about it.

Is it due to some need to be isolated? Or is it due to being a snob? Well, neither.  It comes down to I don't have the money to go out and hang out with people.

I used to do a lot of gaming.  I worked 13 years in the gaming industry: first at Chessex Game Distributors, then freelance with TSR as an editor, and then at Games Workshop for 9 years.  Back then, there were a lot of people I could hang out with and play games. I amassed quite a game collection, and enjoyed playing them with friends, acquaintances, and occasionally even somebody who I didn't like.  They've all gone away now for the most part.  I don't see them anymore- either due to distance, or do to the changes that have happened in my life.  I miss gaming.  I know I've written it before, but I've written a lot of things before.  I guess what I miss the most is the comradeship- the ability to sit down at a table with friends and enjoy each other's company.  Like-minded people.

That's not to take away from anyone who I know now.  The people who I do hang out with- the few times I hang out with them- are very special to me.  There are some I wish I could see a lot more often, but again, with the distance and the cost of travel, that simply just does not happen.

Anyway back to that word: "want."

What is it that I want for my birthday?

 I know I've written this before somewhere as well, but I never thought I was worth getting gifts.  I never thought that I was worthy of them.  That people shouldn't even think about getting me gifts, because what have I done to deserve them?  I love GIVING gifts.  I love doing that more than almost anything.  It's the only thing about Christmas I can stomach: giving.  However, receiving always embarrasses me or makes me feel very self-conscious.  Especially on my birthday.

I mean- what's the point?

I guess one of the things the reasons writing this is because I've been thinking about it.  There's nothing that anyone can give me that I need.  What do I want? I guess I want a month of not having to worry about bills, but that will never happen.

No, there's nothing that anyone can give me that I truly want, and in fact it's coming down to the point where I really believe that "Want" is a word for other people, but not for me.  People desire things;  they desire situations.  As do I, but I know they'll never come True, so I guess that's it.

What do I want?  Something that people cannot give me. I want Hope.  I lost Hope long ago.  (I know written about that already.  Sorry, I seem to be repeating myself.)

Recently, somebody who I admire greatly, yet I've never met, all but accused me of just whining and complaining and doing nothing about it.  Those words stung.  I'm trying- I really am.  I'm trying a lot of things: I'm trying to find a job that will pay me a living wage.  I'm trying to be a good parent to my daughter.  In the end, I'm trying to get out of bed every day, and not have that be the last day of my life.

Of course, Yoda said "do or do not there is no try." Well, he's a muppet with someone's hand up his ass.  What does he know?

What I want what I need is Hope.  No one can give that to me, especially now that it's so long gone.

My parents sent me money for my birthday; in a card. I was tempted just to return it to them unopened.  I'm vindictive that way.   I know I've written about that.  I would have sent it back if the envelope right beneath it wasn't a turn-off notice from Comcast.  I'm that far behind in my bills. Some people will say "well then how can you afford to go traveling to Richmond or how can you afford this or how can you afford that?"

If I told you the answer, you wouldn't like it.

So my parents sent money. I deposited it and I paid a bill with it.  Money that was supposed to be for something that I would enjoy- a new dress or a book or just anything, even an experience like going out to dinner and laughing with my friends or my family.   Any one of these things.  That's what it's supposed to be about, but no I had to use it to pay bills.

Because my life sucks that bad.  I'm that incompetent.

Someday people may look back upon my life as it was and wonder at what point did I lose Hope. My 90+ subscribers are used to hearing me whine and complain.  It seems to be all I do anymore. Occasionally will do a writers challenge, which distracts me from the Darkness.  So I wonder why they keep reading?

In the end does it matter?

I'll be 50 years old . What kind of special gift should I give myself?  A walk?  A glass of wine?

My gift to my readers could be to stop all the whining and self pity.

I have something in mind.  We'll see.

Be well.

(This was dictated, not hand written, then edited for punctuation.  Sorry.  Can't even write right.)

Windswept look


  1. Happy Birthday Sophie.
    I didn't realise that we were the same age. Another 7 months until I reach the big five oh.

    Its strange when I was younger I could give people a list of suggestions for presents. As I've gotten older, and particulary since I transitioned its got that when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas I usually tell people to give me money as a present and then get things when I actually identify something.

    As for the complaining and whining, if something is that important to you that you need to share it with your subscribers and readers so what. We all go through patches where things aren't going right and having an outlet to discuss our feelings at those times is important.

    Have a lovely birthday, whatever you get up to. Here's to the next 50.