New Dawn Fifty

I arrived at Valley Forge Park at about 5:45.  The sky to the east was just beginning to turn a couple shades of orange grey.  There's a Mist across the Grand Parade. I'm sitting in the parking lot very close to where, all those years ago, I got on one knee and proposed to my Wife.

Me in the Dark.  The light is the dashboard lights reflected off my glasses.

Approximately a quarter of a mile from where I'm sitting is where I last tried to kill myself back in 1990.  That parking lot has been uprooted, and is now a field.

On the way here I was listening to the Grateful Dead Nassau Coliseum, March 1990.  Eyes of the World.

"Wings a mile-long just carry the burden away."

I posted that lyric on Facebook last night.  Professor Jenny Boylan understood.  She knew what I was talking about, and she posted the phone number for the Trans Suicide Hotline.  About an hour ago I called that number.  I received a message saying that there was "No one available at this time.  Please call again later" and then the phone went dead.  (I tried again after 8 AM.  Same result.  Guess they just don't have the people.)

Today was it.  I've been planning for months. Today was the day of days.  You see, Lisa was right.  If you do it on a day that has some import,  when people will be thinking of you anyway, if anyone is thinking of you at all, then the survivor's Pain will not be spread over two days, just one (not that anyone would care, save a very few.)  Lisa chose her anniversary. I chose my birthday; not just any other birthday, but Fifty.

Fifty. is a nice round number and I figure it's at least twenty more years than I should have had in this world.

A Birthday Gift to myself: Peace.

Von Steuben Statue

Yesterday, I worked 12 to 8 at the bookstore, and I remember watching the sunset through the windows thinking "that's final sunset.  That was the last time I see the sun." I didn't expect to see it again.  Last weekend was my final weekend- the last Saturday. The last Sunday.  I worked both.  And Saturday was to be the last time I saw my Daughter.  Last night, my Wife called me. It was a little after 10. She'd been watching Dancing with the Stars.  That takes priority over everything.

And so it was that, for the last time, I spoke to my wife and daughter.  They both detected sadness in my voice. I told them I was just very tired.  It was not a lie:  I am tired.  Very tired.

I planned in advance for everything.  I'd written final letters.  I'd written a final blog entry.  All of these I set on timer that if I weren't back in 4 hours, they would be emailed and in my blog.

And unlike Lisa, for whom we could only guess what she was thinking in those final minutes,  I didn't want there to be any guesses, and that's why the plan included this entry, which justs puts the lie to the other one, because the other one says It's the final entry, and maybe would be.  But, I wanted everyone to know why.

And now I'm standing outside of my car.  The sky is getting a little more light, but there are heavy clouds: a grey cover.  I planned for everything.  My method was ready.  I knew the Where, and I knew the How, and I lived the Why.  But they came down to one thing:

In the end, would I have the courage to do it?

Would I, Sophie, who has run into burning buildings, who's done so much else, and destroyed her life by declaring her True Self have the courage to end her life?

To end the God Awful Pain.

After all, it's my life, and if I should choose to end it, that's no one's business.

My life- My death.

The traffic on Route 23 through the park is beginning to pick up now, as there are breaks in the clouds and the Sky grows pink.

A jogger in a headlamp ran by.

Yes, dear reader, I had this planned completely right down to the minute.  I had method. I had reason.  I had a very good plan.

I lay in bed this morning before dawn, unable to sleep. Linda had already gone to work.  We exchange texts.  She even suggested I come to Valley Forge to watch the dawn, and when I read that, I smiled.  It's like she read my mind.

So all these plans; all the tears; all the letters I've written; and as I sit here and watch the sun come up, I'm not thinking of my daughter, I'm not thinking of my Wife.  In fact, I'm not thinking of anyone here on this planet.

I'm thinking about Lisa.

And I remember how horrible I felt almost 3 years ago to the day, when I found she was Gone. Today was the day that I was to be reunited with her.

I was wondering if she would be waiting for me on the other side of the Veil. If my dog Nittany would be waiting for me as well.

The sky is losing its pink, turning a pale sickly Orange.  The Mist is already burning off.

With Lisa.  August 2013

Yes, today would be the day that I saw Lisa again, and I'd be reunited with my best friend. I started to deviate from the plan. Originally, was going to wear one of her dresses, and wear the necklace that her wife, Sandy, gave me that has my name.  As Lisa wore hers on Her Day.

But unlike Lisa, those would be the only totems that I would carry with me.  I have no pictures of family or friends with me, and, in fact, I'm not wearing one of Lisa's dresses as planned. I'm wearing a favorite of my own that only took a second to throw on. The necklace I'm wearing is the silver four leaf clover that I gave Lisa for her birthday 3 years ago.

I'm sorry Lisa. I never found the Clover.  The Magic Clover.  The one that would make Life and Everything all right.

Because there is no such thing as a Magic Clover.  Our childhood dreams lied to us, just as all dreams lie.

I know some of my friends don't believe that I will be reunited with Lisa on the other side, to explore the Light together.  They believe, as Lisa believed, that Death is the end. That's their prerogative.  Free thought- free will.  I believe differently.  In fact, I know differently.

The sun continues to rise.  The sky is a pale sickly yellow grey, with heavy clouds, and here I thought today was supposed to be sunny.

Yes I had everything planned, and I started to deviate from that plan, if only for wardrobe.  But there's another small detail:

I didn't bring the Method.

Because in the end, I'm a Coward.  I have no Heart; no Spine; no Guts.

As I sit here in my car, the sun is now up.  It's a new day. The sky is gray and heavy.  Lisa's going to have to wait. Nittany will have to wait. Because after all the plans; the months of planning; I simply don't have the Courage to do what is necessary.

I know what some people are thinking.  They're thinking "Sophie, get help."  To those well-meaning people, I say that 26 years ago I spent 3 days in the mental hospital, and I vowed that I would absolutely rather die than go back. Yes, it was that bad.

Look at me.  People call me an Inspiration. A role model.  And all the other horseshit that's tagged on me- sitting in a car crying, because she can't even kill herself.

I'm still here, Jenny Boylan.  I'm alive, Sandy.

Ally, Kimberly and Kim, you're still stuck with me.

Mel, you haven't lost me yet.  Nor have you, Maureen.

And to my bestie, Linda, I'll still be there when you get home today.  You are stuck with me too.

I think I'll call my Wife.

Today is my 50th birthday. It was supposed to be sunny, but it's not.

That's life.

Be well.

No Makeup.

Won't you try just a little bit harder? Couldn't you try just a little bit more?
Hunter/ Garcia.  The Wheel.