Meltdown

Wednesday was a stormy day in Southeast PA, as the remnants of the hurricane that hit Mexico a few days before passed over us.

It was a very bad day for me.  

I'd had a couple of very bad days in a row.  On one of the FB forums where I post, (usually about trans stuff- doing outreach.  It's a page dedicated to the town where I live) suddenly everyone started insulting me.  I was accused of being a "pedophile enabler" (because I'm a Penn Stater, I guess) by three different people, a "bitch" more times than I can count, an "idiot" several times, "self centered" several times, and misgendered more times than I can count.

Two of the people who called me a pedophile enabler retracted their statements. The third did not, even when I threatened legal action to clear my name.  He told everyone my threat, and they jumped all over me for that as well.  

So I figured I must be a horrible person for so many people to gang up like that.  I cried a lot those two days.

Like many transpeople, I have VERY strong armor. But after such a continued and relentless assault, it got through. I felt completely worthless.

I went to work Wednesday morning.  We are critically short on staff at the bookstore- not even having enough to run the store (corporate cut hours again.)  Sound familiar?  Typical corporation: Do more with less people on the front lines while someone at the corporate office uses his Six Sigma to get a nice hefty bonus.  

Also, it was a full moon, and the customers were flat out nasty.  

A quick sidebar here: the store is being redone with the Christmas displays (yes, already) so there is a LOT to do.  I was assigned to the music department, which was a shambles.  I had no idea what had been done and what hadn't, and the notes left behind were vague,  When there are lots of things to get done, I shift into high gear, as things won't get completed if I don't.  During times like these, my internal monologue sounds something like this:  "Get it done, you useless bitch!  Come on!  Faster faster!  Work harder!  What good are you?  Get it DONE!  Oh, now look what you've done you f**king loser!  A f**king idiot could do a better job!  Come on- MOVE!"

Ok, so between the rude, needy customers (of which there were many), trying to get things done, and everything else, I completely broke down on my break.  I couldn't stop crying; no matter how hard I tried.  I asked the store manager if I could go home, and she allowed it.  

Standing outside the break room was my dear friend Julie.  She's a very successful lawyer who transitioned some time ago, and she's "Big Sister" to another dear friend of mine, Jen L.  She read a facialbook post I'd made about how I felt that morning, and stopped by to see me.  I didn't know she was coming.  She walked me out the door as I desperately tried to keep myself from bawling on the sales floor.  Outside, I cried on her shoulder a little, and she offered to go somewhere and buy me a cup of coffee and talk.  Well, I don't drink coffee, but you get the idea. I said "no" because I just wanted to back to the apartment and cry myself to sleep.

I texted a couple of people, like my dear friends Olivia Helm and Victoria D, and they said I should call, but I just couldn't.

Better times: Last Friday in New Hope with Samantha and Linda

When I got in my car, I called Wife, but I was a blubbering mess, so I don't think she understood a word I said.  I cried all the way home, and for an hour after arriving.  I turned off my phone so I wouldn't have to speak to anyone.

So, what was I thinking and feeling at that time? 

I felt like I'm completely useless.  I've destroyed my life.  I cant even get a real job.  My marriage is over, and my daughter is probably going to be a mess psychologically.   And for what?  To be my true self?  What if my true self is as horrible as everyone says I am?  And am I my true self?  I'll never in my life have the money for surgery.  I guess I don't deserve to get it.  Transition is a rich person's privilege.  We poor folk end up dead in the gutter.  

I didn't know what to do at this point.  When I called my wife , she suggested I go over to her place (mother in law is gone for the week.)  That sounded great, I thought sarcastically- "I could be ignored by my daughter as she plays games on her tablet, and ignored by Wife as she watches tv.  At least the dog would be happy to see me."  

I laid in my bed for I don't know how long, bawling.  My pillow was soaked with tears and snot.  My roomie, Linda, tried her best to cheer me up, but I couldn't stop crying.  All I wanted to do was die.  I wanted the misery to end.

So I cried, and Linda kept me talking.  Eventually, I stopped crying, and Linda offered to take me out for a drink.  Really, neither of us have enough money to do that, but she insisted we should- her treat.  Linda left the room to get ready, and I curled up in a ball.  I think I fell asleep.  Eventually, I awoke, and sent an email to my support group (that email later formed the core of this entry.)  I received many positive responses, including one from Dr. Osborne, my former therapist, now retired.  

Linda and I went to one of our haunts, Rock Bottom, and had a beer and appetizers.  I felt my mood stabilize a bit.  We walked around the King of Prussia mall a little, then went to the grocery store to pick up a few things.  On the way back to the apartment, we stopped at MIL's place, where I briefly saw Wife, Daughter, and Nittany.  I received hugs and words of encouragement, and I was able to pet my dog.  

Back at the apartment, I changed into my shorts and tank top and climbed into bed.  I just wanted the day to be over.  Sleep finally took me, and I awoke this morning feeling better, but still fragile.

I worked the day shift again today, and again I was assigned music.  I managed to complete more tasks, and the day went much better.  I went home, made dinner (frozen pizza) and Linda and I watched Halloween as we ate. I also stopped over to see Wife, Daughter, and Nittany briefly.  

Daughter thought Nittany needed a costume

So- what happened?  What set me off?   I'm not sure.  I think all the bullying struck a nerve and ripped open all my insecurities.  It was like having all the negative thoughts in my head attack at the same time, reinforced by the taunts of people I don't even know.  

Being trans, I occasionally will hear taunts and remarks directed at me.  The direct remarks are fewer now that my hair is growing out, and my voice improves, but it still happens with some frequency.  Usually, I ignore it.  After all, the Haters don't determine my reality.  Only I do.  I managed to get through a really bad few days, and came through to the other side.  Tomorrow, I have off from work.  Linda and I will be attending two parties locally.  On Halloween, I will start by taking my daughter trick or treating at the King of Prussia mall (it's an organized event) then go to work until 11 PM.  

Halloween night will mark the seventh year since my feminine side re-awakened.  Seven years.  I think about how much has changed in that time.  If someone had told me that night that I'd end up transitioning, with all the good and bad that has resulted, would I still have done it?

Halloween 2008 with friends (L to R): Rachel, Geri, Me, Elizabeth

Yes.  I really believe that if I hadn't rediscovered myself, that I'd be dead by now, either due to drinking or suicide.  The Pain of suppressing my True Self had built to a boiling point, and I didn't even know it.  Looking back now, I can't believe I kept it down for so long.  

Seven years later, I'm living my Truth.  Obviously, I still have Bad Days, but I have, to date, survived them.

And if I can do it, so can you!

Be Well, and Happy Halloween!

Return to BK

So I took Linda Lewis​ to a doctor appt in nearby Limerick on Friday.  On the way back, I decided to stop at Burger King in Spring City.  I worked there from 1982-84, and it was my first real job.

I rarely go back to Spring City, as, well, I hate it.  This was the first time I set foot in this BK as a woman.  I didn't know what to expect.  After all, it's Spring City.

Burger King Spring City today

The place is VERY different, inside and out. For example, the box like structure protruding from the right side of the building didn't exist.  There is now a "cafe" on the left side that wasn't there when I was there.  Instead of diarrhea tan, the outside was a dark wood stain.  The interior was done in dark wood, orange, and red.  There were exposed dark wood beams on the ceiling instead of the drop ceiling in there now.   There was a salad bar where the drink station is now.  And we sold Pitas to use with the salad bar.

The kitchen looks very similar.  I wonder if it's the same broiler and fryer I used back in the day back there.

I have no pictures from back then, but a picture of me and a couple of others appeared in the local newspaper during the spring of 1984.

So Linda and I walked in the door.  Would we meet with redneck bigots?  Be refused service?  Beaten with frozen whopper patties?

I needn't have worried.  The guy behind the counter was FABULOUS!  Flamboyant!  He said he was having a bad day, and needed a touch of Fabulous in his day and we were IT!  So yes, we were clocked, but it was ok.  He was extremely nice, and when his ex-boyfriend came to pick him up, we were introduced to him as well.  He was also extremely nice.

There were many questions I wanted to ask- like how he survives day to day in this town without getting his ass beaten every day.  But the Spring City I knew was twenty plus years ago.  When I grew up, being different was an invitation to be beaten, shunned or worse.  I had this discussion with my parents- there was NO way I could've come out as trans back when I was growing up, even if my parents were incredibly supportive.  Like Nicole Maines' family in Maine, we would've been run out of town.

In BK SC

He had a sad story.  Many stuck in Spring City do.  He was a dancer living in California chasing his dream.  Then his mother took ill, and he came east to care for her.  When she passed he didn't have the money to leave.  So he's stuck working at Burger King in Spring City.  It's honest work to be sure- thankless work.  I know, as I've been there.

Linda and I ate our lunches and enjoyed our time there.  We both left smiling.  Me especially.  When I worked at this BK, I used some of my paychecks to buy my girl clothes as that was when I was dressing back then.  I never imagined that one day I'd walk into the building wearing a bra and panties, never mind BEING a woman.

Some dreams come true, even if it takes thirty years.

The car wash across the street.  What is a Haunted Car wash anyway?

Biggest Misconception

A cisgender Facialbook friend, Megan Reph (hi Megan!)  asked me the following: "Since you're open to answering questions, and I don't personally know anyone who is trans (but would love the opportunity to learn more about the trans community) What do you believe is the biggest misconception about yourself or other transgender people? Is there anything that you would like to clarify about your transition or share about your decision to proceed with it?"

I thought about it. I think the biggest misconception is that being Trans is a CHOICE.

The thing is: being trans is NOT a choice. We are born this way.

Born to be Wild?

Why would anybody choose a life of rejection, prejudice, and being hated just for being who you are? No one. I fought it all my life: being angry, drinking too much, fighting... until finally accepting it in 2008. I have lost my marriage, most of my friends, my career... Almost everything. And for what? Simple: to be who and what I truly am. That's all trans people want- to be allowed to live our lives. However so many people (mostly males) see us as a threat. To what I don't know, maybe to their own masculinity?  I think I'll address this in a future blog entry.

I asked the same question on my FB page and to my Vanity Club sisters,  I received some wonderful observations.  The following are reprinted with the authors' kind permission and roughly in order.  (Note: no transmen replied, so these opinions are all from trans women.  I don't know many trans men, I guess.)  There are slight edits to obscure identity when the author requested it.

************************************************************

Don't see anything 'great' about that question, but if I felt in anyway disposed to answer 

with regard any 'misconception', mine would be that we're conceived as being different 

from anyone else.

For the rest, I'd tell the person to mind their own business. Why on earth would you have 

a need to 'clarify' or 'share' personal decisions ?

Gina Brown 

There are two questions here. If had been asked I would have challenged the assumption on which the second one is based: I do not wish to transition and never have. This idea that ALL so called transgender people (By most people on the street observed as men in dresses because women in chinos are accepted) ultimately want to become women might apply to many of us and I respect that 100%, but it does not apply to me.

With love and respect,

Ava Alba

One of the largest misconceptions in my mind is being trans does not mean you are gay.  Sexuality and gender are two different topics.  

I get questions asked daily all the time now since I am transitioning.  I am not offended unless I know the questions are leading or coming from a bad place.  And if the question is inappropriate like, "are you going to remove it, you know down there", then I just say how do you not know I have not and since you will likely never see it the relevance of it is unimportant. 

Cheers,

Melissa Marquette

My thought exactly Ava. I would try to get it out there a little more that there are some people who are "under the umbrella", but not on a path to transition. I think the concept of "dual gender" or "ambi gender" could use a little more enlightening of the general public.

Hugs,

Cindy 

As far as the biggest misconception goes, I would have to say it's the idea that there is a single definition to the word, "transgender."  The term has, unfortunately, become shorthand for the entire spectrum of gender identity-related situations, from the transsexual who endeavors to physically, socially and permanently change gender identity, to the "casual" crossdresser who dresses occasionally for social or recreational purposes, to the fetish dresser who only wears a few specific articles of clothing in private solely for sexual gratification. 

To those who don't walk a mile in our wedges, we're all transgender.  

The problem with this is - while we may all wear clothing of the gender opposite our physicality, we do so for fundamentally different reasons and to serve completely different ends.  And to lump us all under the single term, I feel, sews disaffection among the various groups and demeans us as individuals.

Most of the transsexuals I've encountered don't really like casual crossdressers or fetish dressers and hate being associated with them.  They see them as unserious and cheapening the importance of their transition to their lives.

As a casual crossdresser, I dislike being connected with the fetish dressers because, while crossdressing is a part-time practice for me, it's no less meaningful to me than it is to the transitioning transsexual.  Gina is a real facet of my personality, a vital avenue of self-expression, and without the opportunity to do this, my life would be significantly less rewarding.  It's not just a desire to wear less itchy underwear once in a while.

Gina Conners 

Thank you Cindy but actually, I lean towards challenging the "gender" concept because I struggle with understanding it personally. 

Biological sex can be understood. The overwhelming majority of humans are born the one or the other, and - after costly victories won by people I pay my deepest respect - many countries offer reassignment for individuals who need it to be the ones they were always meant to be. This is a development I hope will continue, and there is still quite a distance to go.

Gender, on the contrary, is very diffuse to me. It seems the content of this word is constantly changing. It is dual, ambi, fluid, bi, and probably more sub-variations will appear. 

In my humble opinion, the gender concept has questionable value because it seems mainly to be used for bundling up various personality traits, interests, expressions etc, unfortunately on the basis of traditional male/female stereotypes and  - even more regrettably  - with emphasis on the immediately observable ones.

I cannot see this concept adding any long lasting understanding or widening our acceptance of human nature. I know women who hunt for moose without their "gender" being challenged. I know men who are passionate florists, but they also ride a Harley and steer clear as well. These are blunt examples but still: Millions of us have interests and passions not fully compatible with the binary man/woman image further polarized by popular culture, despite the liberalization we cherish in our time. 

So, when do our deviations become "gender issues"? I don´t know but to me, the gender concept seems nourished by society´s need for yet another label to stick onto people who are not “normal”. It would not be needed if we could all find true acceptance of Humanity´s diversity and richness, and limit our concerns to the act of distinguishing between phenomena either harmless or harmful to people and society. 

I am biologically a man. Besides my family and friends I also love carpentry, my guitar, electronics - and wearing makeup and heels. The latter seems to make me a gender case, the moose-hunting girl not so much. In this way I just feel the gender concept - with its new boxes being added all the time - to keep parochial thinking alive. It also keeps muddling up the public perception of what is personal and what is not.

I do not want to offend anyone, and I am grateful for any comments that might make me see things differently. As English is not my native tongue I kindly ask you to read these lines bona fide.

Love and respect,

Ava Alba

I am totally a man with a crossdressing "hobby". From a gender perspective I am  neutral, I think I could live as either sex but due to the obvious anatomical issue it is easier to be male. I LOVE Dressing and Makeup and Heels, I love being able to transform, and having said that I think the fun would go out of it if I was to transition. I have built a strong family and have a large group of friends and would hate to lose that or any of them.

Beverly Williams

Your overview of the sex/gender issue in terms of it being something of a morass is all too sadly true.  We don't understand ourselves so it's no wonder Joe Q. Public doesn't either.  Matters of sexuality and sexual preferences are more easily understood.  With the relatively uncommon exceptions of hermaphrodites and intersexes, it is a binary matter determined by what's between the legs.  Either "it's" there or it isn't.  Male or female.  No problem.  

In contrast, gender identity resides between the ears, masculine or feminine, with an almost infinite number of variants between the two poles.  And that's where the problem lies.  The TG term covers all of those possibilities.  As time goes on new words are coined in an attempt to draw lines where there are no lines.  They add to the confusion rather than clarify it.

As for the original question regarding common misconceptions.  It's already been answered.  We are not all gay and we are not all on the road to GRS.  Like you Ava (I think), I'm relatively happy in my male body.  Actually, now that I think of it, if someone was to offer me a new, disease free body and it just happened to be female, young and gorgeous I'd jump on it.  Or rather in it.  

Lena Gibbson

Gina and all participants in this thread....

It's complicated.

How's that for an answer?

I'm a fetishistic non-operative transexual.

Did I mention that it's complicated?

I started 'cross-dressing' when I was three.  I'm pretty sure it had no fetishistic overviews.  I knew enough, however, to hide it.  When I was 12, I discovered, quite accidentally, the pleasure in my 'hobby'.  So I guess, at that point, gender identity incorporated fetishism.  At 40, I realized that I was still truly transgender and that I needed to fix it, chemically, surgically (just electrolysis), emotionally and spiritually.  I, essentially, rediscovered and embraced my three-year-old.

So I transitioned in 2000, but in being completely honest to myself, my partners and my integrity, I also re-embraced my fetishism.  No, I did not go to work in 5 inch heels, seamed hose, tight skirts, etc.  But I do still have my play-clothes, much like some genetic women that I know who like to be sexy in bed or certain closed-door events.  We are a compilation of the events that made us, from childhood to today, and to suppress them or dismiss them is just as bad as those of us who occasionally 'purge' to somehow fix our obsession.

It's not necessary. 

Dress for comfort. Dress for fun.  Dress for safety. 

My pet peeve, however, is those of us who have two distinct personalities.... male and female.  It doesn't make sense to me.  We are the same person, now matter what the costume.

Happy halloween, everyone!

(Anonymous)

You raise a fascinating point, [Anonymous].  How many of us have "two personalities" to suit our transitive gender situations?  And if we do have more than one persona, how different are the two people who inhabit our underwear?

I'm not certain, but I don't think I really have two personalities for Gina and the chronic testosterone poisoning victim she lives with.  "Their" interests are identical (fashion, clothes, shopping for clothes, makeup, hair, politics, current events, history, and cooking.)  They unconsciously use the same gender references in their internal monologues (Regardless of what I'm wearing at the time, any time I reference myself in my interior thoughts, it is almost without exception as a woman.)  They have the same weaknesses (a complete absence of mechanical prowess, absolutely no depth perception, a penchant for useless trivia, and the fine motor skills and physical coordination of poorly constructed, discount DIY furniture.)  Oh, and they wear the same dress size.

I do know that I am more expressive as Gina than I am as my Y chromosomed self.  But I don't think of that as nascent schizophrenia.  (On the other hand, how would I really know?)  

To me, my being more expressive as a woman is simply a by-product of being in a situation where I feel more like myself than at any other time.  The outward illusion expresses an inner reality.  I'm happier as Gina and I tend to show it more.  

Gina Conners 

I want to correct a misconception that is out there. Those individuals who have went or who are 

going down the surgical path, myself included, don't want to be women - we have always been women. For me in particular, my gender was declared at birth by a physician, by just a visual assessment, shortly after birth. It wasn't until 2013 that my endocrinologist requisitioned a karyotype which confirmed that I had a congenital abnormality. Fortunately for me, I had that finally corrected in June of this year.

Stephanie Shostak

 ******************************************************************************

As one can see, there are as many opinions out there as there are transpeople!

And they are correct- Gender is not a binary.  It is a tapestry.  Being Trans doesn't mean the same thing to everyone.  There are so many "shades of grey" under the trans umbrella.  That's what makes this confusing to some people.  

While I agree with all that these wonderful Sisters wrote, I'm going to stick by my answer: that the most popular misconception is that being trans is a choice.

It isn't.

I wouldn't wish being trans on my worst enemy.  

Thank you for asking, Megan!  And thanks so much to my Sisters for allowing me to repost their replies!

Entitlement

(The following started as a message to someone who works in my company.  The discussion began online (as things like this often do) when I revealed on Facialbook, in a closed group of employees  that I was amused that I sold a member card to a man who never made eye contact with me- only my breasts.  My original post follows, then, the bit which is a much expanded form of the message I sent to a woman who felt that what I did was maybe in poor taste, if not judgement.

Original post:
"Ok, I hope this isn't too... risque.

Today I wore my VS "Bombshell" bra to work. It give me a little more, um, shape. And...
I sold 4 member cards today. Not bad. But one of the men buying a member's card never looked up into my face. He stared at my chest the whole time. So I guess I can say my decolletage sold a member card today!"

Me in the Dress I was wearing that day

Now the rest:

I am a 49 year old woman of trans experience.  That means that for most of my life, I pretended to be a male.  And not just any male: top of the heap- cock of the walk... a White, Christian male.

I know male privilege first hand.  I've lived it.  And when I transitioned, I became not only a second class human being (female) but worse:  a Transperson.  A "freak."  "An abomination in the eyes of God."  And believe me, the world reminds me of it every single day.

Am I a freak, etc?  No.  I am what God made me: Trans.  I am a Woman.

Are women second class citizens?  Shall I point to pay statistics or to the fact that old white men want to legislate their vaginas?  Or about the "glass ceiling?"  Dear reader, I can go on alllll night on this one.

Anyway.

Now, do I care that a man looks at my breasts?  At this point, not really.  Men will look.  It's what they do.  And, to be blunt, my having breasts is still new enough (and a dream come true) as to be a novelty.  That said, seeing the equation from both sides, I understand the Power of Breasts.  Shall I, as a retail drone, not use any advantage I have?

I admit that I am still inexperienced at being a full time woman.  I've only been one for about 19 months.  So if you think how I am conducting myself is wrong, I am willing to listen to your argument.

Entitlement.  It's a fact of life.  Where I live, there are some VERY rich people.  They call it the Main Line: some of the richest areas; oldest money in the US.  Do some of these people earn their money?  Of course.  Doctors abound in this area.  But FAR more were born into the wealth.  To quote Will Rogers, "They were born on third base and think they hit a triple."  If you want examples of this sort of person, I give you Donald Trump, every living member of the Bush dynasty, Mitt Romney, every living Kennedy... you get the idea.  And while some are very good people- very generous and open, so many more look down upon people who are NOT in their social class.

And that class is Predominantly Rich, white, christian males.

Their entitlement is their birthright.

The owner of this car is African American.  So my argument isn't an absolute.

Is there anything anyone can do about this?  Perhaps not.  Money talks, after all.  At times it looks like the gulf between the "haves" and the "have nots" is so deep that only something akin to the French Revolution would resolve it.  Madame guillotine,  But would that really solve it?  Pete Townshend said it best:  "Meet the new boss.  Same as the old boss."

Is this to say that we, as people, shouldn't try for positive change?  Hell no!  We must try.  I fight every day in my own way to advance the cause of Trans equality... of social equality...  Justice.

Will I see it in my lifetime?  Who knows?  How many of the marchers for racial equality in Selma lived to see an African American elected president?  How many survivors of the Stonewall riot saw Marriage Equality become the law of the land?

It CAN happen... all we need to do is WANT it, and WORK for it.  Each in our small way.  Everyday.

*jumps off soapbox*

Be well!

Mind, Body, Spirit

It's a new month.  I've been working a LOT.  So much that really there isn't much to write about.

Last weekend, a manager and I did an "offsite" for the bookstore.  I worked at a "Mind Body Spirit" Expo.  We were selling books for three different people at their talks.

This happened at the Philadelphia Expo Center in Oaks.  To the one side of this expo was a "Rock and Roll Expo" featuring Ace Frehley from Kiss, Izzy Stradlin from Guns and Roses, Carl Palmer from ELP and Asia, Lita Ford and a few others.  I wish I could've seen that, but oh well.  To the other side was a Gun show.  So, to paraphrase a coworker it was "Fruits, Nuts, and Rock and Roll."

Saturday was a rainy day.  I parked in in a Fire Zone in front of the Expo center to unload the books and cash register from my car.  It didn't take very long as we brought a hand truck.  When I went back to move my car, a guy walked in front of it.  He was very thin, baseball cap turned backward, and brandishing two Uzis, one in each hand.  He was strutting like he was something special.  I wanted to shout to him "Just how small is you d*ck anyway?" but as I was on the clock, I didn't.

After parking a good distance away in a muddy field, I walked back in.  It was a windy day as well, and I was wearing in full skirted dress, of which the skirt kept trying to blow up on me.  Not a smart choice.

Working the expo Saturday, hair in a ponytail

Our first book was for James Van Praagh.  He sees dead people.  he also created the TV series "Ghost Whisperer.  At one point, he had everyone close their eyes and "invite" a spirit into our bodies.  I figured "what the hell- why not?"  So i did.  And I was overcome with emotion.  I started crying.  Weird, right?  Anyway, he was a nice guy and we sold a lot of his books.  He signed every one and posed for pictures with most people.

 The person following him was Gail Thackray, who someone said had once been a porn star before developing psychic powers.  I don't know about that, but she IS a beautiful woman with a body to die for.  She wasn't selling books, so we left as she spoke, and headed back to the store.

With James Van Praagh

The next day, we had two sessions.  The first was Laura Day, who does Psychic Healing.  She was nice as well.  During her session, she and two other psychic healers came around the room doing their thing.  I was psychically healed.  So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Three healers at work.  Laura Day is the middle one

The one after that was the Rev. Michael Beckwith.  Performing on organ behind him was his wife.  He was a big draw!  How to describe him?  Hmmm well if James Brown as he appeared in the Blues Brothers and the Rev, Jessie Jackson had a child together, that child would be Rev Beckwith.  He was loud, enthusiastic, used big words (sometimes confusing their meanings) and spoke very fast.  It was entertaining for the first five minutes, but he went on for an hour and a half.  The crowd loved him though, and his wife was a VERY good singer.

Reverend and the Showgirl  (Gail Thackray)

During his performance, I decided to walk around the dealer's room a bit.  Right outside the meeting area was a guy selling something.  I looked to the right, where I saw Grand Master Qi Feilong doing a dance with one of those long colorful Chinese banners.  He was amazing to see!  As I watched, the guy outside came over to me and said "Yeah, he's amazing.  I asked him to heal me, and so he had me hold two balls of tin foil, one in each hand.  And he asked me which side I wanted healed and I said this side [his left.]  And the tin foil in that hand got so hot I could hardly keep holding it!"

I smiled, nodded, and went back into the presentation room.

Rev Beckwith finished his presentation and the crowd surged out to buy books.  I was very busy for a while.  Everyone was very nice and waited patiently for him to sign them.  In fact, with one exception, EVERYONE was really nice.  very mellow.  Kind of what would be expected at a New Age expo.  (I wonder if everyone was that mellow at the Gun show?)

With Michael Beckwith

So that was my weekend.  Actually a nice way to spend the weekend.  The sessions I saw would've cost me about $150 to attend, not counting expo admission, so that was nice.

The following day was Monday.  And for the first time since before I transitioned, I lost my temper at work.  The "why" doesn't matter, but, as always, when I lose my temper, I'm miserable the rest of the day.  On my way home, the check engine light on my car came on, and the car started "stuttering."  By the time I made it back the apartment, I was in a deep depression.  I'd spoken to wife about taking me home from the garage after dropping off the car, but she became busy.

I cried in my bed for a while, then left my phone at the apartment and drove to the garage.  Why didn't I ask Linda?  She was in her pajamas already.  I didn't want to inconvenience her.

So after dropping off my car, I walked back- three miles in the dark.  It was a bit chilly, but I needed the time to think.

Eventually, I made it back to the apartment.  I ate something, checked email, chatted with my dear friends Ally and Sandy, then went to bed.  I felt better the next morning.

I go back to work tomorrow.  I hope things are better.


Be well.