Sunday, August 25, 2013

Same as It Ever Was

I wrote this during the past couple of days, before everything changed this morning.


I can hear your thoughts now:  "Another blog about going out?  Really, Sophie?"

Well, another third weekend of the month meant another night with Renaissance and Laptop Lounge.  My standard Me time.  However, as has been becoming more common, this time there was a guest star.  In this case, that was Jamie, my former co-worker.

The Poison Ivy rash peaked around Wednesday and began to fade, but not enough to wear a skirt.  So I wore my jeggings and a new top.  I did my own makeup. 

First item on the night's agenda was meeting Jamie at Shangrila.  This was her first time meeting me as Sophie- the real me.

Yes, I was nervous.  What if she hated me?  What if she laughed when she saw my crude attempt at femininity?

Well, it all went quite well.  She smiled and laughed the whole night.  With me, not at me.

We had a drink, then joined Katie at McKenzies for dinner.  Others were supposed to come but couldn't make it.  it was the three of us.  Katie was her usual delightful self.  We then sat at the bar for a drink before moving on to Winberies and Laptop lounge. 

Oh, and this time, no one at the bar pointed, snickered, or took pictures.  No one cared.  Which was nice.

I missed Renaissance for this dinner.  Which is rough because I love going to Renaissance.

In any case, we all went over to Winberies just a little early.  I introduced Jamie to many people, and, being Jamie, she fell right in to chatting with them as easily as if she knew them all her life.  She treated all of us with dignity.  Such a rare quality in cisgendered people, unfortunately.

The night was wonderful.  I saw many friends and caught up with them.  Of course, there were many pictures as well.  Funny that.

Near the end of the night, someone took me aside to discuss a problem, and to offer advice on my home "situation."  We spoke freely for maybe twenty minutes.  While the conversation was candid and supporting, I still ended up feeling VERY depressed by it.  I ended my night at the bar, doing my best not to cry.

Yes, the whole family situation is still raw.

After saying my goodbyes, I went back to the newly renovated Motel 6, and looked in the mirror.

So, putting on my makeup that night was quite a task, as the foundation, cover up, hell NOTHING would stick to the rash on my face.  After the third attempt I was seriously about to give up.  Then I started with this powder that makeup artists use to retard sweating, and went from there.  And it worked.  For a while.

When I returned to the room, I looked in the mirror.  I looked like Heath Ledger's Joker.  The makeup was sliding off my face, and the mascara had run a bit.  I looked alike a pathetic clown.  I stood and looked at myself for an eternity of maybe a minute.  I saw my bottom lip was projecting outward- the same look Hayden said I have when I'm in drab.  Essentially, I had my drab face with some bad makeup.  And my eyes were dull and dead.

I cleaned myself up, and went to the Wawa nearby for a sandwich.  I then went to Valley Forge park for a late night walk.  I was home at 4 AM.

My walk solved nothing in my head.  I spent the time beating myself up for all "the small humiliations that [my] memory piles up."  As the man said- Hell.

So I spent Sunday, recovering and then work.  Wife, daughter, and MIL all went to Virginia on Sunday.  They wouldn't return until Tuesday.

So, after working a double, I slapped on my makeup in record time (using the same powder method) to meet my friends Jen and Victoria for dinner at a nice Italian place.  Dinner was fun, but over too quickly.  I wore one of my new Penn State tops and my long white gypsy skirt, and I felt good.

Despite needing to be awake at 5 the next morning, I wanted to do something I'd never done as Sophie.  I narrowed it down to going to Bahama Breeze for a drink alone, or going to Wegmans.

Judging by the storm on Facebook after I posted my plan, I should've gone to Wegmans.

As it was, I went to Bahama Breeze, and had a glass of wine as I watched the Redskins beat the Steelers in pre-season football.  No one bothered me.  No one even spoke to me aside from the bartender.  But that was fine. 

I hit the pillow at 1 AM.  Slept through my alarm and ended up thirty minutes late to work.

That night, Wife and daughter came home.  I was a zombie, having worked another double.  I went to bed early.

The whole week, I waited for an opening to discuss the Option 1 plan with Wife, but the opportunity never came.  I posted a question about parental responsibility on Facebook, and received many wise replies covering many different opinions.

I also posted a cryptic sentence:  "Every Story Ends."  That came from a chat discussion I had with Hayden on Wednesday night.  And I'll write more about that in another entry.

As it stands, I'm sitting here and nothing has been resolved.  I've had dinner and some pints with my "Big Sis" Mel (two different occasions)and discussed strategies.  But as the new week begins, I'm exactly where I was a week ago.  Nothing has changed.  The days go bySame as it ever was.

I work a lot this coming week.  The week following is the Southern Comfort Conference, which I will be attending for the first time.  I look forward to meeting many of my online friends and several of my inspirations there. 

I hope I can pull up my mood.  I want to smile.




  1. Sophie -

    A long time ago, someone asked for something that was appropriate to say in every situation. And the wise men came up with the phrase:

    "This too shall pass"

    I think of the troubles you are dealing with, and hope that they will pass soon....


  2. i can feel the pain in the make up story as 3 weeks ago i had a swollen left face and the eye was swollen shut due to a bee sting. hmmmm 5 days on prednisone and i could actually find my eye to put on make up!

  3. Thinking about you sweetie. Hugs <3