Monday, August 26, 2013

A Day of Crying

Yesterday I cried.  A LOT.

There are many reasons for my falling to the floor wracked with sobs.  And here's the hard bit:

I'm not going to tell you all of them.

I'll get to why.

So The weekend started fairly calmly.  Wife (should I come up with a different pseudonym? I mean it as an affectionate one but I've been told that it may not be read that way) and I both had off work, and we both ran errands, usually apart but sometimes together.  Her mom (MIL) was gone all week, and we had a pleasant time.  Thursday was kindergarten orientation for our daughter, who was VERY excited.

Saturday I ran some errands then grilled steaks for us.  Our daughter ate earlier and watched Scooby Doo in the "living room" as we listened to Sinatra and ate by candlelight.  All in all, a very pleasant night. 


I slept in on Sunday, knowing that sleep would be at a premium for the next two weeks.  Sunday was beautiful and sunny.  I had no idea what the plans for the day would be, so I suggested house hunting.

Ok, now here's where I'm going to start getting purposefully vague.

She sat on the bed and looked down at me.  And told me she would not go house hunting.  She would not be moving out with me.  There is FAR more to the conversation to this, BUT...

She asked me not to post it here.  So I will not do so.

I will discuss the fallout and what I learned though.

The conversation ended when she and daughter left to go school shopping.  And I continued crying on the couch (where the conversation had moved.)  I texted my therapist and my "Big Sis" Mel.

What had I learned?  Many things.  That MIL knows all about me.  That Wife's two brothers (here designated Middle and Youngest) searched for this blog, and found it.  That said information was relayed back to MIL and to Wife. And that Wife has read at least some of the entries.

What does all this mean?  That her immediate family knows my Truth.  And HAS known for at least a week or so.  It also means that she has seen pictures of me.  "MANY pictures." 

So if Wife, Middle, or Youngest are reading this:  Hi!  I'm glad you are reading the blog.  Hopefully you will understand just a little what it means to be trans.  And you can always ask questions.


I posted a small update on Facialbook:

Wife told me that she and daughter are NOT moving out with me. That she has seen the blog, and seen pictures of me. That her 2 brothers have both seen the blog. And that MIL knows everything.

I've spent the last hour crying.

As I prepared to leave the house, I fell to my knees, then to floor, sobbing.  It was all too much.  Losing my Wife and daughter.  NOT being able to do right by them.  Everything.  I don't know how long I lay prone on the floor face in hands, crying.  But eventually, I did stand up.  Blew my nose.  Went out the door.

I then drove over to Mel's.  On the way, I called Lisa Empanada, who gave me some good advice and listened to me cry.  Lisa has good shoulders.  They have built in sponges.

Walking into Mel's place, I received an email.  I had been elected to Vanity Club.  I'll discuss that more in depth in another entry. 

Mel listened to me cry too.  But I eventually pulled myself together.  We ordered pizza and listened to music.  And we talked.  There are many reasons to have a "Big Sister."  And times like this, I am SO glad not only that I have one, but also that it is Mel.  Her wisdom is amazing.  Times like these, when I'm free-falling, she, and so many others are there to catch me.

Eventually, I washed my face and drove to work at the bookstore.  I managed to keep myself from crying for the whole shift.

I thought about all that happened.

So.  What happened to make me cry so much?  Was Wife vicious and cruel?  No.  Far from.  In fact, she was not only fair, but downright generous.  No, it was nothing she did.

She and I have been together for 22 years.  Married 20.  That's a LOT of time.  A lot of shared history.  We've had some amazing times, and some horrible times.  22 years of in-jokes and beloved movies.  "The subtle rhetoric of simple moments" as I wrote in a story long ago.

I love my wife.  I love my daughter.  The fact that I am causing them any pain hurts me almost beyond tolerance.  The idea that their lives will go on without me.  All the things I will miss.  My daughter is five.  All the milestones that will pass that I won't see...  And why?  For what?  Because I was born different- and that difference is driving us apart.  Because I can't live a lie.  I wish it were different.

I started crying again typing that last paragraph.

I absolutely do NOT blame my wife for her courses of action, save one.  I'll get back to that.  She is doing what she needs to do for herself.  No, this one is all me.

The only thing I disagree with her about is keeping Daughter in this house.  She feels that she can be more of a positive than MIL is a negative.  I disagree.  But I'm not in a position to press the case. 

So.  What's next?  Things have been quiet since then, almost as if nothing happened.  But it did. I went to therapy today, and Dr. Osborne made some recommendations.  It was a rough session, and I'm still thinking it through.

Soon, Wife and I will discuss the future.  Then I will go to SCC.

Maybe I'll be finished crying before then.




  1. I hate to hear that you are going through such a rough spot. I really think that things will be much better on the "other side", when all of this settles down, but these are like growing pains, more so even for the others in your life than yourself. I always use the word spouse when referring to my wife, but using wife is ok. Maybe to some it sounds harsh just saying Wife, instead of my wife, but that should be of minor concern right now. The fact that she has seen pictures of you and read some or all of your blog is not a bad thing, I don't think. You may not always look like you do now when you are presenting female but she will eventually only see you that way, so she will need to get used to seeing you as yourself.

    I put my blog and Facebook page etc. online well before I was out to everyone. I always looked at it from the perspective that if someone found it, then so be it. That was one less person I had to actually come out to. Maybe you can take it as sign that your family has discovered your online presence. It could help them understand you better and if they don't accept it they won't accept you anyway. I wish you luck in having to go through the process of your wife and family coming to terms with the real you...


  2. Yes, don't give up being honest on the blog. From time to time it may become the only outlet for expression where you know you will get a sympathetic and understanding reception. Facebook is too interlinked to be a good noticeboard for personal news and feelings, unless they are light and jokey. Not a good place to chronicle a life that is going through huge changes!

    You are getting plenty of understanding from this quarter.


  3. Sophie:

    We met at 2013 Keystone. I can't adequately express how troubled and sad I am reading about your recent "turn of events" with your family. I, too, think that in the end there will be a middle ground reached -- that all is not lost.

    You write as if you will forever be cut out of your daughter's life. I doubt that will be the case, though you may end up having to fight for your and her rights.

    Know that you've got an army of good will behind you, rooting for you. I suspect there is also a considerable number of us who can offer you good advice/guidance as you move ahead. If you ask for assistance from the community, you will get it in good measure, so don't hesitate.

    Finally, though you have nothing to hide, be aware that your online presence will likely be read in its entirety with an eye toward using it against you. Always temper and measure your words with that in mind.

    I won't be at SCC, but plenty of others with good shoulders and strong spirit will be. Have a good time, but also take time to share this. As much as you many learn from others, others may learn from you -- the mutual support we all show for each other is very powerful in this community.

    Peace and kindest regards,


  4. All I can do is offer a shoulder for you to cry on, dear. You are so far ahead of me in your transition, that I can only learn from what you're going through. You are brave! As is any of our sisters and brothers who take their life into their own hands and make that big step. I'm still in "hiding". I would say, be yourself and work things out with your wife to where she will not keep you from seeing your daughter. No matter what, you are her father, and you should be involved in her life.
    If we meet next week at SCC, and I hope I get to meet one of my heroes, then know that I have very listening ears and very broad soft shoulders to cry on.

    Emma Rose.

  5. When the going gets tough, the tough go Southern Comfort Crossdressing. WhooHoo!!!

  6. You are never far from my prayers Sophi,hang in there. Amy