Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Option 1

Several weeks ago, I posted that my wife decided that she couldn't live with a woman.

That still holds true. 

I mentioned options. 

Option 1:

If we get the loan, we still get the house together. This removes my daughter from MIL's toxic influence and provides her security. Said house should be affordable by Wife without any monetary input from me. I stay in the house until the changes reach a point that she finds intolerable. Then I move out. Perhaps during that time, take in a boarder to assist with the mortgage. After moving out, divorce proceedings begin.

So.  As of this writing I'm still living with Wife and daughter in my Mother in Law's (MIL) house.  That is going to change.

I got the mortgage.

Happy Dance!

I'm getting Wife and daughter out of there.  We have our eyes on a few places Wife can afford easily on her own.

Several of my friends who are FAR wiser than I (like Lisa Empanada) have pointed out that Option 1 has many flaws.  And they are correct.  Chief among these flaws is that I could end up homeless and banned from a house for which I am paying the mortgage.  And that due to being Transgender, I may be barred legally from seeing my daughter, for whose benefit this entire plan is being executed.

All True.  All strong possibilities.  Very strong.

One friend pointed out that I shouldn't pursue this Option as SHE is leaving ME.  I disagree.  By transitioning, her husband is leaving HER.  I don't blame her one bit for her not wanting to live with Sophie.  It's my fault (even if its something that can't be helped) that the marriage is going to end- not hers.

So.  With so many good reasons NOT to do this- NOT to get a house with a woman who is going to toss me out eventually- why in the name of God am I doing it?

Why am I putting my entire financial future- yes, even my transition- at risk?

My Daughter.

It's that simple.

As many have commented here on my blog, on Facialbook, and privately, MIL is flat out poison.  She is a toxic influence.  And I want my daughter as isolated from that influence as much as it's in my power to do so.

I do this with no illusions.  No hopes that Wife will learn to accept Sophie (I have a better chance of winning Powerball or landing a role as a Bond Girl.) 

But I'm doing it for my daughter.  If by getting her out of that daily influence of that Harpy I can improve her life, then I will do whatever it takes to do so.

I'm a parent.  I'll never be "Father of the Year" but I AM her father.   She could still someday turn on me as so many children of TG parents do.  Thats a possibility.

But it should make her life better.  So what else can I do?

So.  It's Option 1.

I am buying a house with Wife.  And someday, I will no longer live in that house.  Perhaps some man will.  I have to be ready for that as well. 

I spoke to my dear friend Lisa yesterday.  I mentioned something she told me long ago.  She said (Paraphrasing) that the there's always that little part that is disapointed when you AREN'T outed (there was a possibility of it when she told me this) because for all the trauma and heartache- you'd be Free to be yourself.

And it's true.  All the things I noted above (and more) MAY come to pass.  I could lose it all.  But, for the sake of my daughter I have to roll those dice- I have to TRY.

I can do no less.

I am a Woman.  And a Parent.  And my child WILL grow up in a safe environment as long as I still have a say in it.

I can do no less for her.


  1. Your daughter is very lucky to have you in her life. <3

  2. I think I too would do whatever it takes to safeguard your daughter's interests. One day, when she is older and can appreciate your present situation, she may be profoundly glad that you put her first.

    It may not quite work out as you hope. But I'm sure your love will be recognised.

    I admire your facing up to some all-too-likely realities.


  3. Sophie -

    It's sad about having to keep your daughter from your mother in law. But to prevent hatred from infecting her, it is the wisest thing you can do. But be careful to take care of yourself along the way. She will not do well if one of her parents is over extended and unable to provide for herself.


  4. I tend to over think things... If the equation has to balance, you cannot be pushed out until you have a viable affordable place to live otherwise everyone could become homeless...

    One thing in your favour could be that many partners base their early decisions on what they fear the future holds rather than actually waiting around long enough to see what that future is really like. She may have to see you enough to realise that being together is a good option.

    A close friend was asked to move out and the wife started the search for a new partner, they have since become good friends again and the wife said that she wished she had not been so rash and they were still together but that push into the real world has lost her that soulmate who has moved on to a new life...

    Some close family can be the hardest to find acceptance!

    Good luck.

  5. I admire your courage and your devotion to your daughter. It's had sometimes to be a parent and we do sacrifice for them. Hand in there Sophie! An old friend, Amy

  6. I would be leery of entering into any long term things like a mortgage during transition. If you do, you better save some money for yourself. Only 5% of marriages survive. Just take care of you first.