Monday, May 13, 2013

Waiting for Sophie

My old college writing teacher used to always say "Write with Fire- edit with Ice."  It was like a mantra with him.

Sorry, professor, but this time I'm writing with an Inferno and NOT editing (except for spelling) as I'm in a really angry mood.

Also, I haven't been out since over a week (which I wrote about here) so, Godot-like, Sophie doesn't really appear in this entry.


Except for the fact that I am Sophie.  If that makes sense.

Anyway.  The weekend was rather nice.  As our anniversary gift, Mother In law (MIL) volunteered to watch my daughter for a full day and night at no charge (she normally charges for baby sitting her own grandchild.  Yes really.)  So my wife booked a package deal at the nearby Radisson Valley Forge.  So we had a room and dinner for two. 

We checked in, then went to get lunch at a nearby Champps.  After lunch we stopped at Blue Pacific briefly, and I introduced her to Andrew. 

Then we saw Iron Man 3.  Very enjoyable.

Then off to dinner at Pacific Prime at the Valley Forge Casino (connected to the Radisson.)  great meal! 

All during the day, she asked questions about this blog and other Sophie activities.  I was considering bringing up transition, but since we REALLY were having a wonderful time, I didn't.

After dinner we went to the casino briefly, then up to bed.  One of the things she said she desperately wanted to do was have time to read- something she hasn't had time to do in years.  So when we went to the room, we both read.  Nothing else.

Sorry folks, no titillation here.

The next morning was mother's Day.  We had breakfast at the hotel.  I called my mum.  We then went to Valley Forge Park for a walk.  In the parking lot of Wayne's Woods, she found a wallet on the ground.  The owner's ID was in it, and he didn't live too far away.  First I called the number belonging to that address.  No answer.  Left a message.  So I drove over and dropped it in his mailbox, and left my drab business card in his door saying "look in the mailbox for your W."  Today at my work email I found an emailed "Thank you."

It was the right think for me to do.

After all that, we went back home, I changed and went to work. 

So why am I pissed off?  Not because any of that.  Stick with me.

Today I went into the city; to the Mazzoni Center for my HRT checkup.  My appointment was at 11:20. 

The doctor saw me at 11:45.  He asked how things were, etc.  We discussed injectable estrogen verses the pills I had been taking.  He increased my dosage of estrogen and made it injectable.  he said that the injectables would make "things happen a little faster" and asked "are you ok with that?"

Let me think about that for a millisecond.

There's a Walgreens attached to the Mazzoni Center, and he sent the prescription over to it.  I was told that it would be a half hour. 

Ninety minutes later, I'm still waiting.  And I'm not happy.

That's when Wife called.  "My mom wants you home so she can run errands without [our daughter.]"  MIL watches her on Mondays and Fridays, for which we pay her (tacked onto our rent.) 

As I had to work at 3, and I was in Philly at that moment, this wasn't going to happen. 

My prescription was filled, so I went back to the Mazzoni for instruction on doing the injection.  It's nothing I didn't know, but a refresher is always nice.  BUT... the pharmacy forgot the smaller gauge needles that were prescribed.  Y'know, the ones to actually use on my body?

So I used one of theirs.  At 1:40 PM, I had my first estrogen injection. I chose the femoral artery in my right leg.  Next injection: two weeks in my left leg. 

Back to the pharmacy for fifteen MORE minutes.  By now, it's a foregone conclusion that I will be late for work.  Now I'm more than unhappy.

I got the needles and ran to my car.  The city was fairly traffic clogged, as was the Schuylkill Expressway.  I called MIL to explain the hold up (she knew I had a doctor appointment, but not why.  And she still doesn't know why.) 

First my daughter answers.  She's five.  She talks for a minute and hangs up.  So I call back.  MIL answers.  I explain that where I am and I'm sorry but...

"Don't bother! I don't need you now!"  SLAM!  She hung up on me.

Now I'm seething angry.  Pissed off.  Hanging up is rude, and especially rude when SHE does it.

I call Wife and point out to her what happened... to her voicemail.

So I stewed in my anger the rest of the forty minutes home. 

My drab self had several bad reputations... one of which was my NASTY temper.  I think I mentioned this before at least once.  And I was REALLY angry.

I was thinking of how I was going to handle this.  Hmmm, I gave her an azalea bush for Mothers Day.  Maybe pour a few gallons of weed killer on it? 

Anyway, as i walked into work, I called Wife back and told her quite forcefully that we were having a discussion about Leaving tonight.  As in I was moving out, and I'd love it if she joined me, but I was leaving either way.

She said "I can't talk about this now."

Yeah, no kidding- her being at work.  I was just informing her of the coming conversation. 

So my timetable shifts a little.  Time to repack boxes and prep for moving.  I did this a little more than a year ago, preparing for the worst when I told Wife. 

I am firmly of the opinion that Wife will NOT move away from her mom without a boot in the butt.  And if me moving first is that boot, so be it.

So... should I tell her about transition before moving?  Good question.  I don't have that answer.

In any case, it's been some hours.  I'm calming down a bit.  I'll credit the estrogen with that.  In older times, once I lost my temper, it was lost for the rest of the day.  I'd stew and the anger would fester and grow inside of me.  Then I'd often try to drink it down.  Yes, smart I know- throwing alcohol on a fire.

So.  I had a great weekend, and Wife asked questions about Sophie.  And I had a good appointment and moved forward in my transition. 

And my MIL managed to ruin that.

I'm going to try to focus on the positive here... and think about the GOOD things that happened today.  And tomorrow go back to both of my jobs and my drab life.

*Pulls up my trousers*

Shall we go?

Yes, let's go.



  1. Sophie -

    Pardon the phrase I'm going to use - "It's no great loss." Where I'm going with this callousness is....

    When a couple gets married, the traditional vows include a phrase like "and cleave to no other" or "let no one interfere with this vow". In your case, your eventual ex-wife (she has said she'd break up with you upon completion of transitioning, correct?) will not leave her mom's side.

    Now, given that you're heading towards transition, I'd expect your wife to be risk averse about moving (especially, if you haven't been brutally honest with her about yourself over the years), not knowing what's in store. Her mom, as bad as she is, is a major part of her support network - as toxic as her mom may be. (I can't imagine someone charging to babysit her grandkids!)

    With all this being said, be careful of your anger. Feed that anger, and it will consume you. Starve that anger, and you become a better, more relaxed person....


  2. Sophie, I wish you the best of luck in telling your spouse All about your transition. You will feel much better when the secret is out and hopefully she will fully accept you also, even if that takes a little time..Hugs

    1. Tammy -

      We can all hope. But given how us transgendered people are often treated when we talk about transition, I would wish for Sophie a good friendship with the woman who is not "the wife".