Avoided Bar Fight Blues

This one gets deep, folks.  It'll take a sec to develop the point, so bear with me.

I guess it kind of gets to the root of my whole blogging thing.  To release stress or tension, people do many things.  Some people drink.  Some do Primal Scream.  I write out my feelings to release pain.  I write every day, but as most of it sucks big time, no one ever sees it.  (I usually write longhand in a series of journals.  my book takes up many on its own.)

Some of what I write ends up here.  Why?  Narcissism?  A driving need for approval?  Sadism?

All of the above?

In any case, I have been drinking more of late.  Not as much as I used to (Thank God) but more than I have been.  If that makes sense.

This leads to painful mornings.  As I work very early, hangovers are bad bad bad.  To say nothing of what my poor liver has suffered over the years.  Alcoholism runs down both sides of my family, which when combined with my Scots/Irish/German ancestry means I was a formidable Drinking Machine back in the day.

Guzzle Guzzle

So this drinking may or may not have led to the incident last Tuesday, July 3.  It was the thirtieth birthday of a good friend, so a bunch of us went out to fete her.  At the second bar we patronized (first one closed at midnight), there was a table near our booth.  I was walking past it (going to the bathroom) when I noticed that the one person had a phone with a PSU symbol on it.  As a fellow alum, I stopped to say "hi."  At the table were two really hot girls and two guys.  One was Indian, and he went to U of Illinois.  The other guy was big.  He probably was a football player sometime in the past, but his muscle was now more than coated by a layer of fat.  he also had a large scar on his left knee (he was wearing shorts.)

We spoke pleasantly, then off to the bathroom I went.  On my way back to the table, one of the girls called me over to ask me a question about my time at PSU.  The whole group had just graduated from college (PSU and Illinois) and i stopped to answer her question.  I rambled a bit, having had some drinks already.  I also bought a drink for the Illinois guy.

So out of nowhere, the big guy starts getting very rude, saying he'd "heard enough of [my] bullshit" and "the girls are almost young enough to be your kids." 

Took me second to connect the dots... so i just said "Friend, you are being VERY rude."  He said "I ain't your friend.  Just go away."  At this point, he leaned forward in his chair.

I figured out he thought i was hitting on the girls.  I said "Friend I AM old enough to be their father, and I'm not trying to hit on them.  So..."

He said something I couldn't hear, cutting me off, and seemed to be ready to launch out of the chair.  He clearly wanted a fight. 

I looked down at him and said "Friend, back off.  I have a brown belt."  (I do, in Tae Kwon Do, even though it's been years since I've studied.)  He said "I'd like to see it."

His tone was pure menace and sarcasm.

Last time I was in this situation was at a Halloween party a couple years ago.  This time, a pattern repeated itself.  I started selecting targets.  His scarred knee was an obvious one.  Knocking him either back into the chair as he stood or putting him face first on the floor as he stood was another option. 

But, as before, I did a quick run through of "What I Have to Lose" verses "What HE Has to Lose."

Him:  Gets bailed out by parents, probably goes back to their house where he lives.  His parents sue.  Maybe he gets a spot on his police record, maybe not. Probably banned from bar.  Probable physical damage, despite his youth.

Me: Get sued (no matter who starts it); have to call wife to bail me out; can't afford lawyer; maybe a spot on my record, maybe not; possible physical damage; banned from bar; Ruin night for my friends, including the birthday girl.

So, being an adult, I said "No, you wouldn't believe me.  But I'm going.  Have a good night."  And extended my hand to him.

"I'm not shaking your fucking hand."

I was pissed off by this point.  I turned to the girls and said "Goodnight ladies" then to the Illinois guy "Goodnight sir."  Then walked back to my friends.

They didn't see or hear any of it.  Would they have had my back?  I was there with four people: two guys and two women.  Maybe they would've helped, maybe not.

Our table got some wings and chicken fingers.  I had another cider.  The other group eventually got up to leave.  I told my friends what happened and they were supportive.  They were glad i backed off.  A couple of them pointed out I did the right thing, and that I showed I was an Adult, not a kid like him.

Grrrrr!

All true.  So why is it still eating at me?

My "Big Sis" pointed out that fighting is a "guy thing" and "Women don't fight."  Not bar fights anyway. 

I told my wife and she was glad I backed off as well.  She mentioned that she would've waited a while before bailing me out, and that I showed I was a "Better person."

I thought about it.  A lot.  I figured out why it bothered me. 

He was a bully.

He touched a deep wound in me- one that never healed.  As I grew up, I started confronting bullies because I figured if I didn't then they would have power over me.  I hate bullies.  So here I let a kid half my age bully me.  And it's gnawing at me.

Last time I had this problem, it took weeks to get over it.  I KNOW all my friends are right- I did the right thing.

Now I have to Live with it.