Formless

Last Saturday was "another exciting edition" of Sophie goes out- and another series of firsts.

Ever since I told my coworker "M" about being transgender, she's been asking quiet questions.  As this past weekend was my usual Renaissance and Angela's Laptop Lounge outings, I invited M to dinner beforehand.  She graciously accepted and even asked me what outfit I was wearing.


That Saturday, I worked in the morning as usual, but left an hour early.  Amanda Richards asked me to come earlier so she could possibly get everyone finished faster and go out herself.


I was maybe twenty minutes into the trip to her studio when she called me.  The tenant above her store's hot water heater burst and caused a waterfall/flood of Biblical proportions, so she had to cancel.  That was ok.  I already had my room at the motel, so I turned around and went to my storage unit to get my makeup. 

I also stopped at Target to get eyelashes and some new nail polish. 

I then settled in and slowly did my makeup as the Phillies game played in the background and the rain fell outside.

I tried a different method for doing my eyes that Linda Lewis suggested.  And a different lipstick for the dress I was wearing (which I hadn't worn in a long time.)

After some trial and error, I was finished, and I headed over to Renaissance.  I helped set up and hung around for a little bit, then went to dinner at Winberies, where I was meeting M.

Also dining with me would be some people from a Harrisburg spouse support group, and my friends Hayden and Katie.

I was seated, and M arrived a minute later.  When she saw me, she smiled broadly.  We hugged.  There wasn't a trace of "WTF?" or anything but friendship in her eyes as she said "Hello Sophie!"

M and I at Winberies

We talked alone for a few minutes before the others arrived.  it was a wonderful dinner and so very affirming.  It's the small moments and the smiles they bring that make me believe that I CAN do this- that I CAN be the person I need to be.

During the dinner, I decided that due to the bra I was wearing and my own breast growth, that my breast forms made me look cartoonish.  So I slipped down in my seat and quickly removed them.  For the first time, it was just me in the (admittedly too big) bra cups.  It was an intoxicating feeling.

Near the end of dinner, Lisa Empanada arrived from Baltimore.  She was happy, bubbly and hungry!

Most of us adjourned to the bar, as Katie and M talked for a while.  About what, I have no idea.  At around 9:45, M took her leave.  I walked her outside and thanked her for coming out.  She hugged me and said "I'm not used to you having such a soft chest!"  We laughed, and she went to her car.  It started to rain again, as it had been off and on all day.

At 10 PM, I sat at the door, as Angela asked me to be the Door Person for an hour, which I was glad to do. 

Working the door, sans forms.

At around 10:15 a group of four high school aged kids came in- a guy and three girls.  He asked for a table, and I signaled the restaurant manager for help.  he went to prepare a table when the girls whispered something to each other, laughed, then said something to the guy and literally ran out the door into the rain.  He turned tail and walked out quickly, and I heard them laughing as they went to their car. 

Many people arrived, and soon enough I was done my shift.  I hung around with Lisa and many others.  My one false eyelash started coming off, and she helped my by putting it back on for me.  :)

Too soon, the night ended.  I left a little early as I was very tired.  Drove back to the motel and stared into the mirror.  I removed my dress and contemplated the woman in the mirror.  She wore a beige bra and shaper.  No forms.  No pads.

I reached out to the mirror, and she did as well.  I saw her smile ever so slightly.  How different she is now from a year ago.  Physically.  Emotionally.  So much closer to her true self and a life that at one time was just a fantasy.

A fantasy?  Not even that.  A whispered wish that had no real definition. 

Undefined. 

Formless.