Double Double

It's a cloudy, rainy Monday here in Philadelphia.

Last week, to the north of us the Great Storm Nemo dropped three feet of snow in New England.  We received maybe two inches, which is now icy slush.

Snowy Morning

I set out before dawn as I usually do, driving slowly through the rain as the sun rose somewhere behind the clouds.  My destination was different this time.  Instead of my usual shift at the retail store, I was headed into Philly for an appointment at the Mazzoni Center.

This was my first follow up appointment since starting hormones. 

And so, knowing there would be traffic, I left two hours early for what is normally a forty minute drive.

And due to the rain and several accidents, I sat in traffic.

And Sat.

Sat.

And I was late. 

Fortunately, as I called ahead and told them, they managed to fit me in (being polite and calling ahead has its advantages!)  I arrived at 9:15, and was ushered in fairly quickly.  Weight, vitals, wait.
But not long.  The doctor arrived and asked many questions.

In the end, he said I needed a blood test (which was done before I left,) but he was increasing my levels.  Doubling them in fact.  So now, depending upon who you ask, I'm either at therapeutic level or below by just a little.

So from there, I sat in traffic and went straight to my therapy appointment.  And I was late for that too. 

I told my therapist, Dr. Osborne, most about what happened.  I didn't mention one thing the doctor said, as it slipped my mind.  I'll come back to that.

She asked if my wife agreed to the increase.  I said "yes" as she had.  Then she asked "Does she know the amount of the increase?"  I said "no."

After a minute or so of jousting, we came to the heart of the matter. 

I have said many times that "I will die a woman."  I have told my therapist this, I've written it here, etc.

Now, when I told my wife, she made it quite clear: if I have the operation, that's grounds for divorce.  Yet, as I noted, I insist I will die a woman. 

But I never told my wife that.

Dr. Osborne says that by NOT telling her, I'm deceiving her.  And she's absolutely Right.

So...

I haven't taken my now doubled dose for the night yet.  I'm conflicted.  I NEED to be true to myself.  But I can't lie to my wife. 

So I told my therapist that I would discuss it with my wife... once my financial reserves are back to the point where I can sustain myself for a bit.  (The DUI drained them, big style)

We also discussed my depression.  I hope that the HRT will eliminate the need for depression meds, as I believe my depression is based upon my GID and it's ripple effect through my life.  Dr. Osborne isn't so sure about that.  Perhaps the depression is concurrent.  I guess time will tell.

But for now... tonight, I will take the new dose.  Another step toward becoming me.


But I'm not as happy about it as I was this morning. 


So, I'd mentioned that I neglected to mention to my therapist a little exchange between the doctor and myself. 

My Mazzoni Pic.  Also my FB pic, my TG Forum pic, etc

I told the doctor that I added my picture to my Mazzoni Center profile, which he had pulled up on his laptop. 

He said "I noticed.  You look very happy."

I said "I'm happy being me.  When I can be."

Without missing a beat, he said "You've always been you.  It's just now you're letting others see who you are."

The more I think about it, the Wiser those words become.   But I see them not just in that way, but also another:

I've always been me- I'm now learning to live with All that being me means.