Saturday, February 23, 2013

"The Pain"

Humperdinck: First things first, to the death.
Westley: No. To the pain.
Humperdinck: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
Westley: I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.
Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
Westley: It won't be the last. "To the pain" means the first thing you lose will be your feet, below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists. Next, your nose.
Humperdinck: [losing his patience] And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
Westley: I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right
Humperdinck: [exasperated] And then my ears. I understand! Let's get on with it-
Westley: WRONG! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why: So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
Humperdinck: [Cautious] I think you're bluffing.
Westley: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all.
[Westley slowly rises and points his sword directly at the prince]
Westley: Drop. Your. Sword.

Most film goers over a certain age recognize that exchange from The Princess Bride.

I have a different definition of "The Pain."

Long ago, perhaps it was even before this blog (back in the Myspace blog days), I defined the "Pink Hangover."

The Pink Hangover happens the days after a night out en femme.  It's a strong wish to still be dressed properly as a woman.  It's even worse than a hangover caused by alcohol, because while the alcohol hangover may crush the body, the Pink Hangover crushes the soul.

And so it was back in the days after I rediscovered myself.  I've heard and read that GID is a progressive thing, and it's true.  For so many years, I did my best to keep it in check by denial.  Now I realize who I truly am.

This, of course, bring a whole new set of issues. 

Now it's all consuming.  It consumes my every thought when I'm not concentrating on work or something else.  If I allow my mind to wander, I immediately think about how something's wrong.  Fundamentally wrong.  This causes me to ache inside, to pine for that which currently is not.  like a Tinnitus in the brain.

I will refer to this as "The Pain."

Totally Consumed

Why do I feel this Pain?  If you're reading this blog, you probably know the answer and understand the feeling, or know someone who does.  Unless you fell onto this entry by accident, so for those people, I will attempt to answer the question.

And that was the most awkward sentence I've ever written!  LOL

The Pain.  The closest feeling to which I can equate it is the feeling of loss after the end of a long relationship.  The Awful Aching Emptiness.  The knowledge that something is missing and the horrible pining and need for relief.  The desperate wish for a return to happier times.

So, take that feeling and ramp it up to 11.

So many of my Sisters know exactly what I'm saying.  Not all of us, to be sure, but most.  In fact, I envy those who DON'T feel this.

We rarely discuss it outside of therapy groups.  But it's there. 

My "Big Sis" shared with me that when she told her kids about being TG, she said "I can no longer be a man and remain sane."  That's the best description I've heard yet. 

And people wonder why 41% of Transgender people have attempted suicide?  (Including me)

Is there a cure for the Pain?  Well, for me, I get relief from going out as Myself, as Sophie.  Only then do I find peace from it.  Of course, that relief is temporary and is always followed by Pink Hangovers of increasing ferocity.

I've found that the HRT gives me SOME peace from it.  In fact, to date, that's the major effect of it so far- some peace. 

Of course, not everyone can do HRT.  Most Sisters, for whatever reason, can't.  I am VERY lucky that my wife agreed to it.

But, as I wrote previously, she needs to know soon how far I'm going. 

With all this Pain, and the fact that it's there all the time, it's no wonder so many of us have... issues.

Will transition solve all my problems?  Oh hell no!  In fact it will compound them.  It may even destroy me.  But everyone I've spoken to who HAS transitioned has said the same word to me:  "Peace."  They have found peace.

Peace instead of pain.

So, the question becomes, how far will I go, what am I prepared to do, to find Peace?

I know MY answer.  I will die a Woman. 

And I can be oh so stubborn when my mind is made up.  My wife would tell you this, if you asked her.

She has Pain as well, caused by her Stubborn Suffering husband.

But I'll leave guilt for an entry another day. 

Be well.



  1. Sophie -

    Yes, you will die a woman.... But hopefully, not for a long, long while - and with a smile on your face for living the second half of your life in the way that makes you happy....

    As you can see, I'd rather focus on the path, and not the destination all of us eventually reach. And going out as a female does help - as that's the side of us that's been repressed for so many years.

    Have you noticed any personality changes yet due to the hormones? (Changes might be too strong a word, effects might be better.) As I understand it, going on hormones is like having a second puberty.

    The path you're taking is the most important choice you've had to make. And I think you will gain what you want (things expressed and not expressed) on this path. Just be careful to think carefully about everything and not make rash decisions. Rash decisions are easy to make when newly free from your shackles - but you already know that from seeing others already on the path before you....


  2. Sophie,

    You may have noticed that on many of the letters that I have written to you and on several of the comments that I have left on your blog I have signed off simply as"
    This is a typical sign off when I write to people dealing with TG issues. "Pax", of course, is Latin for "Peace". It is what I wish for you and for all who face the myriad of issues that impact those who are TG.
    While the has been much written about the TG Spectrum and TG evolution it seems to me that at its core most TG people are seeking peace. Peace for themselves...peace for their loved ones...peace for all that we encounter.