This past weekend, I went to visit my parents in Southern Delaware. Loaded up my wife and daughter and headed south.
My parents and I never got along. At all. I am the youngest and if anything went wrong in the house, it was immediately my fault, evidence to the contrary be damned. Add to that my dad's violent temper and his tendency to beat up his kids and, well, you get the idea. My mom would just watch as I was smashed around.
Oh, then there's that whole "I knew I was different" thing.
So why do I even keep in touch? Pretty much for my daughter- so she knows her grandparents. Dad has mellowed a lot with time. Cancer will do that to a person. It also rendered him fairly harmless, so I'm not worried about him raising a hand to my daughter. Believe me, if that were a remote possibility he would never ever see her.
So what does this have to do with my Sophie life?
A few things actually. The first is that I reaffirmed that I could never ever tell them about my true self. they would disown me in a second. How am I so sure? While I was there, I jumped on my drab facebook page. I have a couple trans-people as friends on that account. My dad saw a post from one of them and went on for a whole minute about "freaks of nature" and "faggots" and so on. I countered with the fact that this isn't something they choose, and that the person in question is my friend and I won't stand for her being insulted. He grumbled something and shuffled away.
I think I'm on firm ground with my assumption of their non-acceptance.
Second: wife and I were at a playground at Bethany Beach with our daughter. I don't tan- I burn, so at this time of year I'm quite chalklike- especially my legs. Wife said I am "white as a ghost" and "next time you go out for that weekend thing, you should wear pantyhose as you're just too pasty."
Yes, she said that.
I was stunned!
She then said maybe I should spray tan or something. Do I look like a Snooki?
Third: after Bethany, we went to Rehoboth Beach. Long time victims of this blog will recall that last October, I went to a conference in Rehoboth and walked about the town as a woman. (Read about that here.) This was my first time back there since then. And wow it was weird. The last time there, I was Me- Sophie- out and about. This time, I was in drab, with my wife and child. We went to Playland where my daughter rode the little kid rides. Same ones I rode when I was her age. Yes, they're that old.
I wanted to get a woman's t-shirt while there this time, but I couldn't find one in my size. Sigh.
We came home Sunday morning. As her mother is away for a few days (we live with her), I asked Wife if I could invite someone to dinner, which I would make. She knew who I was going to invite- My "Big Sister" Mel. Wife (should I give her a nom de plume?) said that was fine.
So I invited Mel over. I grilled steaks, made a salad, and heated up some potatoes (Omaha Steaks potatoes! yum!). Mel brought two bottles of wine.
I was REALLY nervous. My wife hadn't knowingly met any of my friends from my female life. And what would Mel think? So, being me, I had a few drinks to clam myself a bit.
Dinner went well. The steaks came out perfect *pats self on back*, and the wine was great. Mel worked on Wall Street and my wife works in the financial biz, so they found a lot of common ground. They seemed to get along quite well. Our daughter behaved herself as well.
Eventually, I set up a movie for my daughter to watch back in the living room- far from where we sat. And Mel asked wife point blank "So do you have any...questions?"
Wife at first said no, but then opened up. She asked about why Mel transitioned, and what if she didn't. Mel was very straightforward with her answers. She also pointed out that not everyone walks the same path, and few really end up getting surgery.
They continued on the topic for a bit. I pretty much tried to stay out of it. Smart move, as by then I was fairly drunk. I listened, and answered when asked a question.
My wife maintained a pleasant tone throughout.
Eventually the night ended. Mel left and I helped clean up a bit, and started drinking LOTS of water. Wife didn't pursue the topic after Mel left. I'm guessing because she knew that in the shape I was in, I wasn't going to be really... well... coherent.
Woke up this morning with a hangover. Go figure.
I haven't spoken to wife much yet today due to work. But tonight I'm sure the Topic will come up.
And I Welcome it.
I still can't believe where We are with this. It may come crashing down at any time, but for now, I am Lucky. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to...
Nope, let's not get ahead of myself.
Just enjoy what I have... for Now.
My parents and I never got along. At all. I am the youngest and if anything went wrong in the house, it was immediately my fault, evidence to the contrary be damned. Add to that my dad's violent temper and his tendency to beat up his kids and, well, you get the idea. My mom would just watch as I was smashed around.
Oh, then there's that whole "I knew I was different" thing.
So why do I even keep in touch? Pretty much for my daughter- so she knows her grandparents. Dad has mellowed a lot with time. Cancer will do that to a person. It also rendered him fairly harmless, so I'm not worried about him raising a hand to my daughter. Believe me, if that were a remote possibility he would never ever see her.
So what does this have to do with my Sophie life?
A few things actually. The first is that I reaffirmed that I could never ever tell them about my true self. they would disown me in a second. How am I so sure? While I was there, I jumped on my drab facebook page. I have a couple trans-people as friends on that account. My dad saw a post from one of them and went on for a whole minute about "freaks of nature" and "faggots" and so on. I countered with the fact that this isn't something they choose, and that the person in question is my friend and I won't stand for her being insulted. He grumbled something and shuffled away.
I think I'm on firm ground with my assumption of their non-acceptance.
Second: wife and I were at a playground at Bethany Beach with our daughter. I don't tan- I burn, so at this time of year I'm quite chalklike- especially my legs. Wife said I am "white as a ghost" and "next time you go out for that weekend thing, you should wear pantyhose as you're just too pasty."
Yes, she said that.
I was stunned!
She then said maybe I should spray tan or something. Do I look like a Snooki?
Me and my translucent legs
Third: after Bethany, we went to Rehoboth Beach. Long time victims of this blog will recall that last October, I went to a conference in Rehoboth and walked about the town as a woman. (Read about that here.) This was my first time back there since then. And wow it was weird. The last time there, I was Me- Sophie- out and about. This time, I was in drab, with my wife and child. We went to Playland where my daughter rode the little kid rides. Same ones I rode when I was her age. Yes, they're that old.
On the Boardwalk last November
I wanted to get a woman's t-shirt while there this time, but I couldn't find one in my size. Sigh.
We came home Sunday morning. As her mother is away for a few days (we live with her), I asked Wife if I could invite someone to dinner, which I would make. She knew who I was going to invite- My "Big Sister" Mel. Wife (should I give her a nom de plume?) said that was fine.
So I invited Mel over. I grilled steaks, made a salad, and heated up some potatoes (Omaha Steaks potatoes! yum!). Mel brought two bottles of wine.
I was REALLY nervous. My wife hadn't knowingly met any of my friends from my female life. And what would Mel think? So, being me, I had a few drinks to clam myself a bit.
Dinner went well. The steaks came out perfect *pats self on back*, and the wine was great. Mel worked on Wall Street and my wife works in the financial biz, so they found a lot of common ground. They seemed to get along quite well. Our daughter behaved herself as well.
Eventually, I set up a movie for my daughter to watch back in the living room- far from where we sat. And Mel asked wife point blank "So do you have any...questions?"
Wife at first said no, but then opened up. She asked about why Mel transitioned, and what if she didn't. Mel was very straightforward with her answers. She also pointed out that not everyone walks the same path, and few really end up getting surgery.
They continued on the topic for a bit. I pretty much tried to stay out of it. Smart move, as by then I was fairly drunk. I listened, and answered when asked a question.
My wife maintained a pleasant tone throughout.
Eventually the night ended. Mel left and I helped clean up a bit, and started drinking LOTS of water. Wife didn't pursue the topic after Mel left. I'm guessing because she knew that in the shape I was in, I wasn't going to be really... well... coherent.
Drunk Sophie
I haven't spoken to wife much yet today due to work. But tonight I'm sure the Topic will come up.
And I Welcome it.
I still can't believe where We are with this. It may come crashing down at any time, but for now, I am Lucky. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to...
Nope, let's not get ahead of myself.
Just enjoy what I have... for Now.
A unique and interesting post that shows the roller coaster/merry-go-round/fun-house ride that seems to be the basic life of many with gender issues. There is a wide gulf from your father's narrow mindedness to the growing enlightenment that seems to be dawning on your wife.
ReplyDeleteI think that you should give your wife a name or initials or something a bit more personal than simply 'Wife'.
For what it is worth my advice is to go slow and keep your priorities in order. Like it or not the order of your priorities is your daughter first, then your wife, then your male self and finally Sophie.
In your evolving discussions with your wife it seems like she is coming to the understanding that Sophie is always there. You need to work it so that while Sophie will be your regular 'default', that Sophie, at least for now, is not a threat to her, your daughter or the life that she has presumed to be living until last month.
While your wife may love you she is the mother of your daughter. Her instincts are at all times to protect her child. I suggest that you heed the words of Sarah Palin and that you 'not mess with a momma grizzly bear'. Go slow as you let your wife come to know Sophie.
One path that I used to get my wife to come to know and accept 'Pat' was to emerge as the 'spare wife'. The compromise is that I would get completely dressed and then go about the house as a cooking or cleaning dervish. In the process I have become a better than acceptable cook. I would dress and then spend hours peeling and slicing and putting together a meal. Sometimes Pat would be weilding the vacuum or dust rag or mop. Once a year we wash the walls inside our house. I have a nice spandex slip that seems to double as a maid like outfit that seems to be my typical dress for that task.
Go slow and let her get to know the benefits of having Sophie as part of the family.
Pax
Pat
Hey Babe:
ReplyDeleteIntroducing your wife to your trans friends opens new frontiers - both for better and for worse. If you need to introduce her to someone first Mel is a good first choice, but now once you've crossed that boundary it becomes much more real. I expect it'll take a little time to percolate and I'm not sure what you expect will come of it, but as you introduce her to this entire other life you've been living that she didn't know about things will begin to happen that you can neither control nor anticipate. Both for better and for worse.
Pandora - meet Sophie. Sophie - meet Pandora. And her box....
Hugs babe,
Donna