Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Sophie's Father's Day

This was an odd weekend to be sure.

Best of times, worst of times and all that.

It was Father’s Day. Seem weird that a Transwoman would be writing about that? Shouldn’t be- many of us had kids before we came to our senses.

And acknowledged our true self that is.

Let’s start with the… No, I’ll go chronologically.

The last week was really rough at work. It’s the second busiest time of the year behind Christmas, and of course there was always at least one person calling off sick. It was fairly nasty, but I knew what was waiting at the end: Saturday night out as Sophie!

I worked until 3 on Saturday (after waking up at 5:30 am) then went to the motel. A quick touch up shave and then off to True Colors for a session with Amanda. Soon enough, I was ready and out the door!

I decided to go casual again. I want to try to blend in as much as possible lately. That doesn’t mean I won’t get really dressed up again, but just not that night.

The usual dinner wasn’t happening, so I met a couple friends at Shangri-La (where Angela’s Laptop Lounge used to be held.) We had a nice dinner, then I headed over to Renaissance for the monthly meeting. However, not enough people showed up so the speaker, Dr. Angelo postponed her talk.

At Shangrila

I stayed around a little bit, then went to Laptop. I met some new people, but mostly the same ones. One genetic girl was there with her friend talking about how she was going to dump her boyfriend as he didn’t seem really into her. I pointed out that dumping him would probably make him want her more. She asked if I was available.

“Well, I’ve got a peculiar… habit,” I said.

“Really? What?” she said, smiling.

“I snore.”

She laughed, then her guy came in. I smiled at him, and went to the other end of the bar. They left together very soon after. Right about that time, my “big sis” Mel arrived. While I had dressed down, she had dressed up. She looked very nice.

I had another great time, laughing and talking. It’s wonderful being able to be myself, and not having to lie about it.

The night ended too soon as always.

I got to bed at 4 AM.

My four year old daughter woke me up at 7 AM to give me a card. She signed it and drew a heart. That was the highlight of the day. It went straight to hell after that.

I had to get up to watch my daughter as everyone else went to church. So I had to stay up. With a hangover. I make myself breakfast. When they returned, I took a shower. I felt scummy.

OK. Now I’m up. It’s Father’s Day. First I’m asked to move some furniture around as well as a stack of 50 pound weights. Really. Finished that. I settled in to relax with aspirin and water to watch the Phillies game.

Now on a normal day after Laptop, I know what’s coming. Wife punishes me for having the audacity to go out with friends to do whatever. But hell, it’s MY holiday, right?

Then Wife comes in and lets me have it.

“Why are you sitting around? There’s a lot of work to do around here and you’re just lazing around watching baseball!”

“So you’re lecturing me about this on Father’s Day?”

“I don’t care what day it is!” And she proceeded to complain that she does so much work. I point out my 60 hour work week which she says “doesn’t matter.” In fact, she says I don’t work that much (due to lunches and such.)

Needless to say, I’m a bit angry, but my daughter was around so I swallowed it. Ok, a LOT angry.

I suggest that we, as a family go to lunch before going to work. Perhaps to the KOP mall, where everyone can get something they want. I stress WE, as in family, y’know for Father’s Day.

I’m told that there’s SO much to do around the house that she “can’t justify” going out.

Can’t justify going out. For the father of her child. For a lunch on Father’s Day.
Right. So I’m not angry at this point. I’m beyond that. I got ready for work- yes I worked on Father’s Day, as I do on every Sunday. Just another Day. I left early and went to lunch alone.

And then I worked. And every spawn of hell was there to make my life miserable. Really- the people out that night were put on this Earth to add to the misery of others- specifically those they believe “beneath them.” Which meant me.

After work, I went home.

And my dog and daughter both greeted me at the door.

Ten minutes later, daughter was in bed.

I made myself some dinner. Wife came out with a look on her face that said “Prepare for more hell.”
At this point, I’d had it. My cup runneth over.

I told her that I never wanted to hear about Father’s Day again. It was not going to be celebrated nor even mentioned as long as I lived. That as she treated it as any other day, so it shall be. I told her that she would never treat her father (dead now ten years this week) with such disrespect, yet she treats me this way, so fine- it’s done. I never EVER want to hear about it again. Try to give me a gift and it will be returned and the money presented to her as that’s all that matters to her anyway. And don’t even try to apologize.

(Imagine this said in a very nasty but quiet tone with many f-bombs interspersed.)

And she started to cry. Something I am quite immune to when I’m angry.

She cried and apologized and said she missed her dad and other things which I flat out couldn’t understand.

“Be compassionate Sophie” you say? Ummm… when I’m pissed off, my compassion has ended. No longer exists.

I let her cry, then I went to bed, as I had to be up at 5 AM the next morning for my two jobs which don’t matter.

So the next morning I went to work in a foul mood. Fortunately, I was working a shift covering someone off the floor, so my customer interaction was minimal. Good thing.

Went to job 2. Message on my phone from her. It wasn’t clear but she was apologizing and asking for a chance to make it up to me.

After work I went home. She wanted to go to dinner the next day (Tuesday) to make up for “being a bitch.”

And so Tuesday night we went out. We went to Iron Hill brewery in Phoenixville, PA. And we had a great time.

And she asked me about Saturday night, and I told her a little. Enough though.

So today, I went to my therapy appointment. I brought a draft of this piece 9which obviously didn’t include this bit.) Dr. Osborne was of the opinion that I could’ve handled things better.

She’s right.

When I get angry, I let the anger take control. I seek “justice.” I want satisfaction- to know that those who made me mad pay the price for doing so. Is this healthy? Nope.

So how did this resolve? Wife apologized multiple times. And in the end I forgave her. What else could I do? It’s not like this was a critical thing- it was only about respect.

But that’s important enough.

So from here we go on. What’s next? Well if I have off work there’s a big thing at the Raven in New Hope in a few weeks. If not, my next time out will be in late July. Oh, and I’m hoping to go to LGBT night at the Phillies on August 26th.

Until then, I’ll have to keep it all inside.

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