Questions (originally posted August 1, 2010 on myspace)

I was out Saturday night.

As I was driving from Amanda's to the motel, I started asking questions of myself. Let's face it- I was dressed head to toe as a woman- that WILL spur thought and some soul searching!

When did I become comfortable wearing a skirt? Like second nature comfortable?




When did I stop being fascinated by looking down and seeing I have breasts (when dressed) and see it as perfectly normal??




When did Sophie become critical to my life?



When did "oh my God I'm out in public dressed as a woman!" become "Ok, I'm dressed- where can I go that's safe-ish?"




When did I suddenly own more heels than guy shoes?



When did losing weight become a "dress size" thing instead of a "health" thing?




When did lying to my wife about my whereabouts become so much easier? (but still hurt just as much)



Why do I want to keep doing this so badly?

Missing

A former coworker of mine has gone missing.  He left his phone behind in his apartment and has been gone for over a week.  No one knows where he is and his family is concerned.  He's a teacher and had a hard time finding a job, but recently found one.  he has impeccible taste in music, but no luck with women.  We'll call him Dave. 

"Dave" and "Monique" Halloween 2009

Ok.  Big deal.  You people don't know him from Adam.  Why would I bring him up?  Is this some kind of half assed Amber Alert?  "If you see Dave call 555-1212 for more information."  No that's not the point.  Because I don't think he's come to harm.  I think he decided his life sucks and he wanted a fresh start and just... left. 

No the point is how many people wish they could disappear.  Just leave.  Go.  Start over.  Fuck all you guys I'm leaving.  I've thought of it many times.  Leave all this shit behind.  Start elsewhere- perhaps even as Sophie full time.  Stop the lie and be me. 

I brought this idea up to my therapist.  She said I'd be trading one closet for another one.  I'd be hiding from my past instead of from myself.  That actually makes a lot of sense, but I can't deny the siren song of just going.  I have the guts to go out in a skirt but not enough to fulfill my own life and just do it all.

What keeps me here?  Most of my best friends have moved away.  It's not like I have a dream marraige.  Then there's my daughter.  She's only three.  How would that sound?  "Daddy ran off to be a woman." 

Sure it's happened before to many others many times.  The temptation is there.  But my wife would find me.  I'd need to make a living.  I could be tracked through tax records.  Where would I go anyway?  San Francisco always appealed to me (and Sophie would fit in well there.)  Southern California is nice.  Hell, anywhere warm.  Maybe even overseas.  Teach English in Japan or something. 

Would you want this woman as YOUR teacher?

Pipe dreams?  Drunken fantasies on a cold winter night?  Yes.  But I think Dave did it.  He walked away from it.  He did what others dream of and I am jealous of his courage. 

At least I hope so.  I hope he's ok.

Party time!

Tis the season for all kinds of parties!  More parties than you can shake a wine glass at if you think about it.  There's the company party (if you're lucky to be in a company that still has one).  There's the small "grown up" party.  The wild 20 something "lets get nuts" party.  There's the standard Christmas parties, Christmas eve parties, Hannukah parties, Kwanzah parties, Neutral holiday parties, Happy hours, New years eve parties, and potty parties.  Ok I made that last one up, but it may exist in some deep dark places you don't talk about at parties.

I attended a party last night that I never thought to attend.  It was a calm "grown up" party with wine and great food and guests minding their p's and q's.  Heck there were even candles and those neat cocktail weinies.  So why was this so different?  I'm a woman of the world- I've been to parties like this many times.  After all, I AM of a certain age. 

Cheers!

What made this party unexpected was the hostess.  This party was held by Amanda Richards and her wife.  Yes THAT Amanda Richards!  The makeup legend.  The one who makes me look as feminine as I can.  Somehow I managed to be invited to her gathering.  I was honored, stunned, and various other words ending with -ed.  Of COURSE I showed up.

One little rule though.  Discussing crossdressing was forbidden.

Now at any other party that would be like "no sh*t Sherlock" but Amanda works in the crossdress biz.  She is an icon.  Figure that many guests would be TG like myself.  However, there would also be spouses there- some of whom may not know about their husbands' predilection to wearing skirts.  So to avoid nasty Christmas surprises, the topic was verboten.

Amanda and I at Keystone, 2010

So there I was, in drab, at a party given by a TG legend, not talking about makeup or shoes or skirts.  Struck me as kinda funny.  Ironic in an Alanys Morrisette kinda way.

So I made myself a drink and was hanging out when a guy walked up to me.  Shorter, trimmed eyebrows, goatee, slim but muscular. he said Hi, and I returned the greeting, smiling.  The guy looks me in the eye and quietly says "I know who you are, Sophie."  Woah! 

I  like to think that my drab self and my fem self look very different.  VERY.  This guy saw through my male disguise and figured me out.  I must've looked really goofy and slack jawed.  "How did you know?" I said.  He smiled and said "I can just tell."

I checked to make sure I didn't inadvertantly wear a skirt or a low cut top to show cleavage or something.  Nope- all drab.

He smiled and went back to his blazing hot girlfriend, leaving me wondering.

Do I look like a guy to you?

So I asked Amanda a little later.  Turns out this guy likes my flickr page.  (http://www.flickr.com/photos/lori_anne2008/)  And I always point out when Amanda does my makeup.  So, being Amanda's friend, he asked if I'd be there.  She said I would.  He looked for someone who looked vaguely like me.  Hmmm.  Stalker?  Not with that hottie on his arm he wasn't!

The night was a total success.  Amanda and her wife made great food, served great drinks and the people were fun.  And a few times I broke the cardinal rule, speaking to people I KNEW were t-girls.  Quietly.  Away from everyone else.

I did not drive and was getting tired.  My friend JJ drove and she was tired too (and in drab.)  So around 10:30 we hit the road, just as the party games came out (Cranium, etc). 

I was very happy.  I was able to meet new people and socialize with some who I consider friends.  Amanda and her wife showed their guests a night of class and elegance. 

Goes to show even I can clean up my act if I must.  :)

My Second Life or is it third?

Those of you reading this know me as Sophie Lynne.  However there are many many people who know me by a different name: Juanita.  How is this possible?  Do I have multiple identities?  Well, kind of.

I play Second Life.  That's Juanita above.  In Second Life I am a complete female.

Second Life (SL) is a computer simulation game.  Kind of like World of Warcraft but not as cartoony.  Players can be who or what they wish.  If I wanted to be a jawa, I could run around screaming "outini!" all the time if I wished.  Everything in SL is created by users, so if you go somewhere, a user created it, not some programmer.

Like this place: the Forgotten Gardens of Apollo,  Absolutely breathtaking.

I started in SL a few years ago as a male.  I tried a female but gave her up.  Juanita started as a joke between myself and a friend, but as my female side developed in real life, my desire to play a woman in SL did as well.  So Juanita ceased to be a "joke."  Now she's my reason for going to SL.

3/8 of all women characters in Sl are really guys.  Most don't say they are men.  I am open about it- I am proud of being transgender there.

Don't you hate it when your eyes close when a pic is taken?  ;)

There are many things to do in SL.  There is dancing, wargames, whatever you want.  You can command a starship in a Star Trek place.  Go to beaches, fly Messerschmidts, whatever.  You could ride dancing cows on Laguna Beach.

I go to clubs and socialize with other TGs.  In fact there are even support groups in SL for us.

This is one of several.

And here is Juanita at TRC.

I also go to formal dances.  It's a thing with me- dressing up.  ;)

Here I'm at a place called "Bogart's."

Of course, where you have men and women there will be sex and SL is no exception.  Many many people find relationships that are very real to them.  It's easy to get hurt there.

Here Juanita talks to a friend at Solana Beach.  Yes, they are pole dancing back there.  Sex sells, even there.  Especially there.  Most of the girls in the sex trade are really guys.

For the most part, I do my best just to be with friends and be a typical woman.  I enjoy my time on SL even though I don't get much time there anymore.  I used to be on several hours a day.  Now it's maybe 4 hours a week.

Thats a typical Juanita outfit, when not at a beach or a formal place.  This is also at the Gardens of Apollo.

So why am I writing about this?  Because it's important to me.  I have met many TG girls there and it's a wonderful supportive web of people.  Some TG girls don't like SL.  One T girl that I admire greatly wrote to me about SL:

"Candidly it was a huge waste of time and socially isolating


since so much time is spent on the computer.


As to it's value as an aid to dressing I didn't feel it


helped me at all... I have a hard time seeing why people


would want to spend that much time playing around with


animation. That's just me."



So it isn't for everyone.  I love it though. 

Wanna see it?  http://www.secondlife.com/  It's completely free... unless you WANT to buy stuff.  Maybe I'll see you there?

Random thoughts after a drink or two

It's December and it's cold outside.  Gray and dreary clouds, freezing winds, the whole thing.  Ho ho ho.

I usually can be Sophie only once a month, and I still have a couple weeks to wait.  So how do I fill the time?   Is being a t-girl something I only think about when it's time to put on a skirt?

Hell no!

I think about being Sophie all the time.  I try on different outfits in my mind, haunt ebay looking for deals, and bide my time.  I suspect that I'm not unusual in this.

Last time out, I wore a tight blue dress i bought from ebay.  I wore it previously for a photo shoot, but this was its first time out.

I loved the way it showed off my assets.  I admit it makes me feel so thrilled to look down and see cleavage. Lets' face it- if I'm going to do this, I want to feel as feminine as possible, and that really does the trick!

Let's face it- I love being who I am.  I've devoted a ton of my time (and a lot of cash) to come as far as I have.  Being Sophie is what's been missing for quite some time in my life.  If you're reading this, I'm guessing you have an idea of what I'm saying.

So now it's Christmas time.  Work, shopping, and all that.  I won't be dressed again until the 18th.  Assuming the weather holds.  Last year, two huge back to back storms wiped out my monthly Girl time.  So I'm crossing my fingers and toes hoping it won't happen this year.

This year my outfit is planned.  I have a new soft black leather mini skirt that I can't wait to show off.  I'll wear my black boots.  I also have a red satin top I wore last Valentines day.  (see below)

Think it'll work?  Or will I look too trampy?  Oh who cares- it's a Christmas party!  Hohoho!

Ok, so would I dress this way if I were a genetic girl?  For one night a month?  Why the hell not!  The rest of the month I could be gray and dreary but party time once a month means something special.

And I hope your Holidays are special!

Be well, be safe and may all your dreams come true!