In many ways, this one is cheating. I didn't write this. "Judy" did. All I did was change the names. I even left her spelling error there. This was a handwritten letter in blue ink on a piece of notebook paper. Obviously, I still have it.
Judy handed me this letter late in the day, when I ate dinner at her place with her and her roommate. She asked me not to read it until I returned to my apartment. I remember mixed feelings when I read it. Part of me was confused- how could she not know her own heart? Part of me was thrilled. She left the door open for us to talk, and become closer. And that's what I wanted.
Remember, that earlier that day, I'd screwed up any chance with a relationship with "Ashley." I was in a bad mood that night.
Now with hindsight, I know what it means not to know one's own heart. I should've known then, but I'd buried my Truth under so many layers of denial, Pain, Rage, and alcohol, that my heart was all but dead. The only thing that it longed for at that time was Judy.
This is the last of the "in-between" chapters that were requested (bet you're sorry you did that!) That completes the narrative through the fall semester of 1986. I still have gaps to fill between already posted pieces in Spring 1987, which I'll do.
**************************************************************************
Judy handed me this letter late in the day, when I ate dinner at her place with her and her roommate. She asked me not to read it until I returned to my apartment. I remember mixed feelings when I read it. Part of me was confused- how could she not know her own heart? Part of me was thrilled. She left the door open for us to talk, and become closer. And that's what I wanted.
Remember, that earlier that day, I'd screwed up any chance with a relationship with "Ashley." I was in a bad mood that night.
"Informal Composite" picture: September 1986. Yes, that sweater over tucked in collared shirt was the fashion then.
Now with hindsight, I know what it means not to know one's own heart. I should've known then, but I'd buried my Truth under so many layers of denial, Pain, Rage, and alcohol, that my heart was all but dead. The only thing that it longed for at that time was Judy.
This is the last of the "in-between" chapters that were requested (bet you're sorry you did that!) That completes the narrative through the fall semester of 1986. I still have gaps to fill between already posted pieces in Spring 1987, which I'll do.
**************************************************************************
Chapter 29: Letter
November 18, 1986
Lance,
I
can realize now that you don’t know where I stand. But to tell you the truth, I really don’t
know where I stand myself. I guess I
have a lot of thinking to do myself.
Actually, I believe it is all based on feelings on my part. I have never been one to understand my
feelings. I know that sounds real
encouraging to you but I am being honest.
Maybe you can help?!
I
know I am interested. Yesterday when I
ran into you around Old Main, my heart stopped when I recognized it was
you. I was so glad to see you. But, put me in the situation with you and Virginia I feel
uncomfortable and often say to myself it isn’t worth it.
Then
there is Richard as well. Between the
two of you I don’t know what to do. I’m
happy with him. I am not turning to
you because I am dissatisfied with the relationship. This I know for a fact. When you told your roommate, Rich, that I am
devoted to my boyfriend it was very true.
I am devoted. However I do get
lonely and I feel very comfortable with you.
You make me feel special. This I
have not felt for a while. It is not
that Richard does not make me feel good about myself because he does but it has
been a long time since someone new has expressed interest in me. You are a sensative person and caring at
that. These qualities are often unusual
and it is great seeing them in you. This
is what has held my interest.
You
will be here soon and this class is boring me to death. I just wanted to write down a few thoughts
and feelings to share right now with you and maybe we will discuss them later
today. Till then-
Judy
No comments:
Post a Comment