Again, this is a chapter that will be eliminated if the book is ever published. The first paragraph will be folded into chapter 30.
It's odd- the things one remembers clearly. I remember the look on Ashley's face as clear as crystal, as well as her jogging down the driveway at Beaver Hill. These days it'd be called "triggering" as, back then, it's how I imagined any woman I'd ever asked out would look at me.
Silly? Maybe. But that's what I thought. That's what a life of self-hatred does to one's perceptions.
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It's odd- the things one remembers clearly. I remember the look on Ashley's face as clear as crystal, as well as her jogging down the driveway at Beaver Hill. These days it'd be called "triggering" as, back then, it's how I imagined any woman I'd ever asked out would look at me.
Silly? Maybe. But that's what I thought. That's what a life of self-hatred does to one's perceptions.
************************************************************************
Chapter 28: Grocery Shopping
Tuesday, November 18, 1986 Reagan: No arms shipments planned
Things
were looking up! Maybe the brothers were
softening a bit- maybe the bullshit would stop soon. After dinner the night before, Maple stopped
to tell me that I could now attend pledge meetings. They were Wednesdays and Sundays.
From that day's Collegian
All
of that was great, but it was yesterday.
Today I had to eat, and the refrigerator was empty. Ashley drove me to the Weis market outside of
town. She seemed awkward and a little
distant, but, being me, I really didn’t notice it. My plan was to make her a nice dinner within
the next few days and… continue what we started a couple of days ago.
So
after I carried my bag of groceries into Beaver Hill, Ashley said she had to go
to class. I walked her down the stairs
and outside to the parking lot.
We
stood looking at each other under the blue-gray cloudy sky. She glanced around nervously.
“Thanks
for the ride” I said.
“You’re
welcome” she said. “I really have to
go.”
I
moved closer to kiss her, and she pushed me away.
What?
“What’s
wrong?” I asked.
She
was several steps away, looking at me with panicked eyes. I couldn’t understand.
“Are
you afraid of me?” I asked.
She
edged down the driveway. “Yes” she said,
her voice slightly cracking.
“I…” I shut up.
What could I say?
She
turned away and half jogged down the short steep hill to Beaver Avenue
Stupid! She opened her heart, and I was too dumb to
take it!
I
felt the familiar hollowness- stupid and hollow. I couldn’t even think about Judy and Virginia. All I could think about was Ashley’s eyes and
the fear, no- the pain, in them.
Yet
again, I was the dummy.
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