I was re-reading my old TG Forum columns. Twice I've written about bias between full time transwomen and part time "crossdressers." Both times I concluded that we are the same but for circumstance. And I still think that.
There IS a difference between part and full time transwomen, though.
Full timers (FT) were willing and able to take that next step. Then the next one. Then the next. Part timers (PT) and FT take many of the same first steps. That first time actually dressing. First time trying makeup. First photos.
Opening the door and having the courage to walk through it as a Woman for the first time.
We felt the same thrill- the same fear. The same quiet feeling of being Right- being your True self, if only for a short span.
The difference stems from Fear. Many PT are content to be as they are- expressing themselves occasionally. For others, dressing is a fetish- a sexual thrill. A fantasy. Yet others aren't willing to pay the awful price of transition.
But for a few, just a few, it isn't enough. Some know this immediately. They've always known. Many of those of my generation Died by their own hand rather than live one more moment as a guy- another second living the lie. Fortunately for the younger generations, this doesn't seem to be as much of a problem, as more are transitioning younger- becoming the women they were born to be with the bodies we could only wish for- indistinguishable from genetic girls.
Some need time to dig through the layers of denial, self-hatred, and Pain to discover their Truth. That was my path. I knew she was there. I buried her deep, and did my best to forget her.
But she bubbled and stirred, torturing my soul. Causing me so much Pain and anger. I searched for the cause blindly for decades, denying a Truth I didn't dare admit to myself.
Melodramatic? A bit, yes. But true nonetheless.
Those few take that next step: admitting the Truth to themselves. They have the strength to admit that they Need to change.
Many end here. They can't face the steps that follow. They Fear the Pain and humiliation and Hate they will face. Their own demons devour them. This is where we lost my dearest sister Lisa in 2013.
Everything about this is Fear. Every step. I've written about this before. Each step is far more terrifying than the last. Each step has its own costs and dangers, individual to the woman taking them.
And the worst Part? The journey never ends, not as long as she lives.
Some have it competitively easy. They keep their marriages and/or careers. They have the means to get the surgeries they want/need. Some even blend in with the world of genetic women and disappear, putting their past and Pain behind them and living the lives they were born to live.
But few. So few.
The Dead far outnumber us all. They whisper from their graves about the steps they could not take, and the step that they did. The step they took promises peace- an end to the Pain.
We Transpeople have a blessing that so many don’t have- we KNOW who we are. We have worked hard and suffered greatly to take what steps we have. And our reward is derision, humiliation, violence, and even murder. Transwomen are hated because we exist. After all, what guy would WANT to be a woman? And God forbid a man find one of us attractive. That's too often a death sentence.
One of my dearest friends is about to take a major step. She has been full time for a while. She has changed her name legally, and works as a woman. However, her ex-wife and dependent children have never met Her (even though extended family have.) I remember this step well, and the Fear it engendered.
But she is Strong. She will endure.
That's the difference between FT and PT. FT have simply taken the next steps. Does this make us better? Worse? No. It makes us Sisters. Sisters in different places, but sisters nonetheless.
Be well.
There IS a difference between part and full time transwomen, though.
Full timers (FT) were willing and able to take that next step. Then the next one. Then the next. Part timers (PT) and FT take many of the same first steps. That first time actually dressing. First time trying makeup. First photos.
One of my first Sophie pictures, Dec 2008. Femme Fever.
Opening the door and having the courage to walk through it as a Woman for the first time.
We felt the same thrill- the same fear. The same quiet feeling of being Right- being your True self, if only for a short span.
The difference stems from Fear. Many PT are content to be as they are- expressing themselves occasionally. For others, dressing is a fetish- a sexual thrill. A fantasy. Yet others aren't willing to pay the awful price of transition.
But for a few, just a few, it isn't enough. Some know this immediately. They've always known. Many of those of my generation Died by their own hand rather than live one more moment as a guy- another second living the lie. Fortunately for the younger generations, this doesn't seem to be as much of a problem, as more are transitioning younger- becoming the women they were born to be with the bodies we could only wish for- indistinguishable from genetic girls.
Some need time to dig through the layers of denial, self-hatred, and Pain to discover their Truth. That was my path. I knew she was there. I buried her deep, and did my best to forget her.
But she bubbled and stirred, torturing my soul. Causing me so much Pain and anger. I searched for the cause blindly for decades, denying a Truth I didn't dare admit to myself.
Melodramatic? A bit, yes. But true nonetheless.
Those few take that next step: admitting the Truth to themselves. They have the strength to admit that they Need to change.
Many end here. They can't face the steps that follow. They Fear the Pain and humiliation and Hate they will face. Their own demons devour them. This is where we lost my dearest sister Lisa in 2013.
Everything about this is Fear. Every step. I've written about this before. Each step is far more terrifying than the last. Each step has its own costs and dangers, individual to the woman taking them.
And the worst Part? The journey never ends, not as long as she lives.
Enduring somehow. December 2017
Some have it competitively easy. They keep their marriages and/or careers. They have the means to get the surgeries they want/need. Some even blend in with the world of genetic women and disappear, putting their past and Pain behind them and living the lives they were born to live.
But few. So few.
The Dead far outnumber us all. They whisper from their graves about the steps they could not take, and the step that they did. The step they took promises peace- an end to the Pain.
We Transpeople have a blessing that so many don’t have- we KNOW who we are. We have worked hard and suffered greatly to take what steps we have. And our reward is derision, humiliation, violence, and even murder. Transwomen are hated because we exist. After all, what guy would WANT to be a woman? And God forbid a man find one of us attractive. That's too often a death sentence.
One of my dearest friends is about to take a major step. She has been full time for a while. She has changed her name legally, and works as a woman. However, her ex-wife and dependent children have never met Her (even though extended family have.) I remember this step well, and the Fear it engendered.
But she is Strong. She will endure.
That's the difference between FT and PT. FT have simply taken the next steps. Does this make us better? Worse? No. It makes us Sisters. Sisters in different places, but sisters nonetheless.
Be well.
Well said! :-)
ReplyDeleteSophie -
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't have drawn the line where you have. But each person defines his/her journey differently. It's not just which direction one travels (M2F or F2M), but it could also be the speed of the journey or the need to reach the logical conclusion of that journey.
You are on a very different path than I am, in part because you don't have my resources AND you have responsibilities I don't have. It seems like a much harder trip for you. But you own it, both in public and in private. For that, I will always respect you.
I don't envy you, having to be on display as part of a job. Each day you go to work, you have to put up with people which don't understand what you go through, and who would openly condemn you for being your authentic self. All I can say about them is to develop a thick skin, and hope that they F themselves and the horses they came in on.
You will endure.
M
Well said my Sister. As I might have mentioned before, as for me I don't believe I would have the mental strength to take the next step. That is why I have such admiration for you and others who have.
ReplyDeleteSofie, years ago I too thought that what you call Part time/Fulltime were on the same path. But I will tell you that you are wrong. The path that these groups walk along appear at times to be the same. (they all dress in womens clothing)
ReplyDeleteI do agree with you when you say that we have many of the same first steps. Just because we appear to be walking in the same direction does not mean we are going to the same place. They only appear to be the same.
We each have different goals and ultimately different directions that we wish/need to take. Your bias comes from "probably" believing that at the start of your journey you thought that you were a "Crossdresser" and not a "Transsexual". Your life has taken you to the point now where you are a Transsexual and no longer a Crossdresser. This, I has seen is a quite common experience. For what I have read, please correct me if I am wrong, you did not dabble in dressing as a child but it all came out later in life. This seems to be a very common occurrence for Transsexuals where for a Crossdresser it tends to start very young. This is not to say that early dressing is exclusive to crossdressing. As I said earlier, our goals are different. One being that Transsexual consider themselves the opposite gender, while Crossdressers wish to be seen as the opposite gender.
For some of us there is no "Next" step.