My first therapy session in months was Thursday. My therapist asked me how I've been, and I reported that the Darkness has been really really rough lately- that day and night all I think about is why bother sticking around?
And she asked me "what gives you pleasure?" I thought about that. What currently gives me pleasure? The answer I came up with was Nothing.
Nothing at all.
At this point, even writing is a chore. I get no pleasure from it anymore- I still write but it just out of habit. Maybe that's why it took so long for me to write my last entry. I don't know: this one I'm dictating and then I'll edit it later. I guess. I don't know- if I publish it at all.
In any case I thought about it, and something DID give me pleasure. Wednesday December 6 was my roomie and bestie Linda's birthday, and I was absolutely determined that I was going to show her a good time. I saved money so I could take her out to dinner and get her a few gifts. We went out to dinner Wednesday night (Dec 6)- McKenzie's- and I had a good time. But the part that gave me pleasure was the fact that I could give Linda a good time; that I could show her that people care, and that her birthday matters to people. It matters to me.
I spent most of the dinner doing math in my head- calculating how much everything will cost, as I only had a certain amount of money. I made sure she got whatever she wanted made sure to keep my part down. In the end I had plenty. I still have maybe $10, so my math was correct.
But aside from that, the answer is Nothing. Seeing my daughter has been not pleasant for various reasons. Going to work is an absolute nightmare for multiple reasons, not the least of which is the misgendering, the insults, the looks- I'm just so tired of it. I feel like I'm being treated as an inferior to people: that they look at me and say "oh you work retail fuck you." It's not like I don't have people that I get along with at work. I do. Some of my coworkers are very fine people, but they're going to move on, because most of the people I like tend to move on after a little while- usually sooner than later.
In any case, that's how I feel- and that's the Darkness. It just saps me of everything. It's like putting a blue filter over a movie or something. Everything is dull, lifeless, and the Question comes again:
Why fucking bother?
I know some people be pissed off at this. The point I'm making to my therapist and to Linda is that I really don't believe that me disappearing, my death, would mean that much. It would mean a bit to my Wife and to my daughter; and to Linda... but after that? No, it wouldn't. It wouldn't even be a ripple. I would just be gone.
Yeah the bookstore would have to hire a new head cashier, but they wouldn't. After all, I did the job for a year-and-a-half on my own. They don't like spending the money for it.
Not even a Ripple.
"But Sophie, didn't Lisa cause a huge tidal wave of emotion when she passed?" Yes, she did, but she was an Icon. She was known internationally- everyone loved her. I don't know anyone who didn't. But me? I'm no Lisa. I never was. I never will be. I'm no Linda- I never was and I never will be.
All I am is Sophie- a fat chick with a Blog.
And you know what? I've made peace with that.
That's where the Darkness has put me right now. It's the holiday season, and it's insane at work. I was misgendered three times today. (Maybe it's my face in profile? I look like a caveman.) Today marks five years on HRT, and I still look like a guy.
I'm holding on. I have to- Linda can't afford rent on her own.
And she asked me "what gives you pleasure?" I thought about that. What currently gives me pleasure? The answer I came up with was Nothing.
Nothing at all.
In any case I thought about it, and something DID give me pleasure. Wednesday December 6 was my roomie and bestie Linda's birthday, and I was absolutely determined that I was going to show her a good time. I saved money so I could take her out to dinner and get her a few gifts. We went out to dinner Wednesday night (Dec 6)- McKenzie's- and I had a good time. But the part that gave me pleasure was the fact that I could give Linda a good time; that I could show her that people care, and that her birthday matters to people. It matters to me.
I spent most of the dinner doing math in my head- calculating how much everything will cost, as I only had a certain amount of money. I made sure she got whatever she wanted made sure to keep my part down. In the end I had plenty. I still have maybe $10, so my math was correct.
Dinner Wednesday night
But aside from that, the answer is Nothing. Seeing my daughter has been not pleasant for various reasons. Going to work is an absolute nightmare for multiple reasons, not the least of which is the misgendering, the insults, the looks- I'm just so tired of it. I feel like I'm being treated as an inferior to people: that they look at me and say "oh you work retail fuck you." It's not like I don't have people that I get along with at work. I do. Some of my coworkers are very fine people, but they're going to move on, because most of the people I like tend to move on after a little while- usually sooner than later.
In any case, that's how I feel- and that's the Darkness. It just saps me of everything. It's like putting a blue filter over a movie or something. Everything is dull, lifeless, and the Question comes again:
Why fucking bother?
I know some people be pissed off at this. The point I'm making to my therapist and to Linda is that I really don't believe that me disappearing, my death, would mean that much. It would mean a bit to my Wife and to my daughter; and to Linda... but after that? No, it wouldn't. It wouldn't even be a ripple. I would just be gone.
Yeah the bookstore would have to hire a new head cashier, but they wouldn't. After all, I did the job for a year-and-a-half on my own. They don't like spending the money for it.
Not even a Ripple.
"But Sophie, didn't Lisa cause a huge tidal wave of emotion when she passed?" Yes, she did, but she was an Icon. She was known internationally- everyone loved her. I don't know anyone who didn't. But me? I'm no Lisa. I never was. I never will be. I'm no Linda- I never was and I never will be.
All I am is Sophie- a fat chick with a Blog.
And you know what? I've made peace with that.
That's where the Darkness has put me right now. It's the holiday season, and it's insane at work. I was misgendered three times today. (Maybe it's my face in profile? I look like a caveman.) Today marks five years on HRT, and I still look like a guy.
I'm holding on. I have to- Linda can't afford rent on her own.
and the therapist said what?
ReplyDeleteShe listened, then we talked.
DeleteI could have written this, back when depression had its hooks into me. Every day was a struggle. On a good day it felt like I was going through the motions, putting on a happy face for others and feeling numb inside. Like a fake, a liar. Worthless. Unloved and unloveable. I was fortunate that I never seriously considered suicide, but I could absolutely see it from where I was standing.
ReplyDeleteI've told you before how depression is like a funhouse mirror that skews and distorts your perceptions, but one of the most insidious tricks it plays is with your memories. It makes you forget happiness. I couldn't remember a time when I was happy and the thought of pleasure was a cruel joke...at best I just wanted to make the cloud lift for a few minutes.
But of course that's the trick. Intellectually I knew that there were times that I had been happy. I could see pictures of myself from before or remember good times with friends and family. But the depression tried to convince me that I was just fooling myself then, that I wasn't really happy. I never was, and I never would be. And I definitely wouldn't be missed.
Depression LIES.
I won't try to argue or convince you because I don't have to. Sophie, I'm addressing this now not to you but to that last little part of you that knows the truth. It's that faint little voice that still forces you to get out of bed in the morning and makes you go out with Linda on her birthday when all you want to do is nothing. That little voice is getting shouted down by depression but it will win because it is right and it is true and depression is nothing but lies.
Right now you're going through a special kind of hell, working retail over the holidays. So for now, just do what you can to get through it. Baby yourself. Seek out positivity. Depression thrives when you stay put, so try to overcome the inertia, even in just small ways at first. Clean the kitchen, put up holiday decorations, go bowling, learn how to macrame. ANYTHING is good. Going out with Linda for her birthday was fantastic. But you WILL overcome this. It won't be easy and it won't be overnight, but it'll be far, far better than suffering in the darkness, I promise.
You know how I know that 'you're being gone, and it won't matter' is bullshit? Think of Lisa...yeah, that. Think of the effect it had on you, and countless others. You would inflict pain on everyone you knew. Sophie, we ALL are part of something bigger than ourselves...and YOU are an integral part of that. You are part of MY life that I love. Feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteI'm not Lisa
DeleteHi Sophie,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I've battled clinical depression repeatedly, so I really do know how you feel. I know you don't think it's possible right now, but you CAN get through this. I did; you will too. Don't ever give up. You are far stronger than you realize. You are not alone. Not ever.
Take care, hon. Please reach out if you need a sympathetic ear (or email correspondent). :-) You can do it!!!
Hugs,
Cassidy
I can only agree with the others, Cassidy, Ally and Jenny, you do matter, you matter to us. Lots of people who know you love you, and then there are all of us who may never have met you (difficult being on the other side of the World), you matter to all of us.
ReplyDeleteHang in there it will get better, maybe you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel just now, but it is a tunnel and not a cave, you will come out teh other side.