What Do I Gain?

For the second straight week, I attended therapy. I guess I'm on the roll.  After discussing a few things: current events in my life, we revisited the question of Courage.

More specifically, my therapist pointed out that I "have courage" and I "fight [her] tooth and nail on the topic." I do, and the question she asked last week still stands:  "what do I gain out of it?"

My point being, this week anyway, was that why do I have to gain anything from it?  If I say I'm not courageous, then I'm not courageous, and that's that.  I've written a few times in this blog about having the "inner voice" that chastises me fairly often.  For example, when I'm being misgendered I think "you know it must you- what have you done wrong?  You obviously know you're don't even count as a human being- you're definitely not a woman.  What the hell are you thinking?  Who you trying to kid?" and all that sort of thing.   But what I didn't say was whose voice that was that I heard saying all that.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” 

― E.E. Cummings

Because that goes back in time doesn't it?  Goes back to that voice I've always heard in my head; every time I didn't get a good score in a test; every time that I forgot to do something; every time that I made a mistake, either in school or in my working life or whatever; I would always say to myself what the hell is your major malfunction? what is wrong with you?  Other people can do this- why can't you? Etc, Etc and I hear THAT voice on playback in my head.

I used to talk to this about this with all of my older therapists- the ones that I had over the years, but most specifically I spoke about it with Dr. Osborne, who was my therapist before my current one.  Dr. Osborne has since retired.  She helped me realize my Truth.  She just facilitated my own realization- she didn't prompt it.  Anyway, we talked about this.  We talked about that repeating loop in my head- that constant voice in my head that is always saying "you are not worthy; you are not wanted; no one likes you; no one that cares about you; why don't you just fucking die already?"

Because that is the soundtrack of my life.  Has been for as long as I remember.

I expect so much of myself.  I know what I'm capable of- at least I'd can imagine what I'm capable of- and I try to achieve that.  Yet somehow I never achieve it.  I know I'm more than capable getting a doctorate.  I know I'm more than capable of doing any job for which I apply.  I know that I can write better than most people.  I know also all kinds of things...so why don't I just go ahead and do it?

Because I don't know these things. It's that simple.

Because, in my head, every time I begin to get some confidence in something, and I make a mistake; like, for example, oh I don't know- get fired from a job, or get refused for promotion because of "non-metric intangibles," I hear that soundtrack in my head.  Over and over.  "Obviously you are not worth it!  Obviously, you suck!  There's no way in hell anybody would want YOU!  You're just worthless! Why do you even bother?"

Earlier this week, my bestie and I had a bit of a falling-out.  It was over something stupid. We have since made up, but when it happened, all I could think of was "Congratulations! you fucked up again!  You can't even get your keep your bestie happy!  You're constantly making other people miserable!  You just aren't worthy of being in public- you suck that bad!"

I'd go on a job interview, and I never get the job.  In fact, I never hear anything back.  So what's the first thing I think?  "Well obviously no one will hire you!  Look at you!  You're some kind of a freak! What kind of a person would hire a freak like you anyway?  You don't have the skills you know.  Why do you even bother?"

As I said before, the soundtrack of my life.

So Dr. Osborne said that what I had to do, so among so many other things, was that I had to stop that soundtrack.  I had to stop playing it my head.  I had to replace it with something more positive and more affirming.

All that makes sense, but here I am, years down the line, and I still hear that voice saying that "you're worthless; that you can't do anything right; you screw up Everything you Touch etc etc."

I was supposed to be in Atlanta last weekend.  I planned to be in Atlanta for a Vanity Club function.  I promised people that I would be there, but I'm not.  Why?  Because I flat-out can't afford it.  Meanwhile, there's a lot of people there who have money to burn, and can travel all over the country, because Obviously they're better than me.  They were able to get good jobs, and make the Right Moves, and retire comfortably.  I will never be able to do those things.  How do I know that?  Economic reality and because the voice in my head tells me so.  I try and I try and every time I fail I hear about it.

I am my own worst critic.

What do I gain out of debasing myself? Why do I do it? I don't know.  I really don't.  I don't gain anything, and I know that, in fact, all I get from it is reaffirmation of my own worthlessness.  All I gain from it is to cower back into my shadowy corner.

It used to be that voice was my motivation for good.  When I went to college, it was "you're never going to graduate; I don't even know why you're bothering; this is all kinds of money you're spending; it could be going to other things; but no- you had to show off, and try to show off that you of all people could graduate college; what the hell were you thinking anyway, asshole?"

And then I graduated.  There I was with teaching degree and I didn't have a job.  I was bartending- I couldn't find real work- we were in a recession- "but course no one's going to hire you; who the hell would want you in front of their kids; don't even want something like you; after all you have that dark secret inside of you; don't you even try; you have that dark secret and we all know it; we all see it; you can't hide shit; you are worthless."

Well, I DID hide it.  And hide it well.


So why do I have that soundtrack in my head and why can't I stop it?  What is it that gives that voice so much Authority that I obey it so instantly- so unflinchingly?  It's giving me orders.  Orders are to be obeyed: you follow orders.


Well, I'll tell you.

That voice in my head that I constantly hear berating me and telling me I'm worthless and all those wonderful horrible things...

When I hear those things...

I hear it in my father's voice.

That's the voice in my head.

And he doesn't even know it.

I was raised back in the 60s-80s.  Back then, it was common to spank your kids.  I remember a conversation we had in first grade at lunch.  We (the boys) were comparing what our dad's used as implements for spanking: belt, hand, fist, hot wheels track, etc.  It was given that we'd all been spanked.

Back then, you did what you were told or you got hit.  That's how a Man was raised.

There's much more to it, but that's where I'll leave it.  My father busted his ass working to keep food on the table and a roof over our head.  He worked HARD for his family.  He did the best he could.

Yet

That voice in my head... telling me I'm worthless, telling me I'm unwanted, a screw up...  is His.

The voice in my head- the Darkness- telling me I should just end it?  That's mine.

Courage?

Soldiers have courage.  People who speak Truth to power despite consequences have courage.

I did what I HAD to do to survive: Transition.  I did what I NEEDED to do- that's not courage.  Courage is going above and beyond.

I catch Hell for transitioning nearly every single day.  I've destroyed my life.  Courage would be removing myself from the Pain.

What do I gain from denying I have Courage?  I sleep at night, knowing I'm telling the Truth.  No longer living a Lie.

If I wanted to keep living a Lie, I would've never come out to anyone.

So I gain Peace of Mind.

Such as it is.

Be well.