A friend sent the following reply to my blog entry Misgendering Misery to me via Facebook messenger.
I reprint it here without editing by her very kind permission.
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Sophie, this is Mikal Burke. Even though I have read many blogs, I do not think I ever responded to one before. I had a hard time posting this to your blog site,
Sophie you packed so much into your post Misgendering Misery
I had very visceral reactions to some of the things you said. I hope you know I accept the truth of your pain and respect how you endure. I share it sufficiently that I wish to alleviate the worst if I could, I hope that in responding with my reaction to your honesty and vulnerability exhibited throughout the post that something, anything at all might help you through such pain.
If you already hear, or even fear rejection or condemnation in my words, please do not read further, because although none is intended, you could easily find it if that is where your head is right now. And since none is intended I do not want you to find it.
You expressed “I have done my best to earn my femininity every day.", and I found myself angry that people have made you think that you must earn what you are.
You do not have to earn it. It is yours. It is you. The only way it can be lost is if you allow someone to take it from you.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t ever do that.
You deserve so much better than that.
You assert, ”…our society does not value women, and the idea that a man would want to be a woman- would want to take that step back on the grand scale of things- to lose all those rights and privileges- to be one of them- is completely unfathomable! I get that.
Absolutely true, but most the people that believe poorly of us and behave poorly toward us, well
they rarely if at all think that deeply on the subject. A few because they just don’t know to, but most, because they are not able to do so. The few who don’t know, can learn and change, the remainder have a disability. Sometimes, not often, the disability is intellectual, but rarely do cognitively challenged people intentionally hurt someone, they have been hurt far too often. The majority cannot do it because of a lack empathy. An emotional disability. (an aside to make what that disability does clear, we have a president with that disability.) They are perfectly capable of hurting people. It is a hallmark of their disability. They simply cannot “Relate” on any emotional level with people. Until society figures out how to control them, or even better medical science finds a way to treat them or prevent that dysfunction from occurring, you and I and everyone they come in contact with are subject to their vitriolic toxic treatment of their fellow humans. I would not presume to tell you how to deal with them. We decent folk must each find our own way that works for us.
“Every time someone calls me "sir," I'm reminded of how much of a failure I am.”
You are most certainly not a failure. And on this very specific issue, failure is not a possibility. You are what you are.
On the other hand, people can fail to recognize the impossibility of your capacity to fail here.
in doing so they also fail to recognize that it is they who are failing to recognize truth. A truth you recognize and live despite their constant desire to make you live a lie, because they do not recognize truth. Any failure here is not yours!
"So many people in this country not only will never see me as a female, but actively wish me dead. Wish me to disappear. Don't want me or anyone like me to exist, and they are in Power.."
In every place where there are people, it has always been so and until we achieve some unidentifiable state of perfection, always will be.
It is also true that these kinds of people act this way toward being black, or Jewish, or old or disabled, or in any way being someone they in their limited capacity chose to label as “different”, "unacceptable" dangerous" etc.
But if you are what you are because IT IS what you are, then they are merely another part of the vast majority of the universe that is by nature hostile toward life. You can politely dismiss them as impertinent (while being wary enough to avoid the ones prone toward violence) or you can try to “fix” them, the choice is yours. Decide if you have the unlimited resources required to fix them, or… well you see my point.
Again you deserve better than what they offer, so why take their offering, it useless waste and detritus.
"I know I should let these people and their ignorance just roll off me 'like water off of a duck,' but that's so much easier said than done."
Sophie, it is impossible. People cannot ignore their feelings, repeated attempts to do so will result in serious mental health issues. Anyone advising you to ignore your feelings is not really thinking through their words.
On the other hand what you decide to do with and about your feelings is your choice, and a conscious directed act can improve how you deal with the apparently nearly infinite line of assholes.
"I guess it's the way I'm built- that I hear criticism far easier than I hear Praise. Maybe because I'm not used to praise. Maybe because I don't believe it- I never have."
“The way I’m built”, an interesting phrase. It has so many possible interpretations.
If the way we are built means the things that were done to us that directed our development of defensive mechanisms, then perhaps you are right.
Perhaps the genetic material that created your body, your neural network, your unique capacities was a foundation. And the life that was built upon that foundation includes the methods you needed to incorporate for survival. Well in that I think you are absolutely right. But that means you have the capacity to remodel. All the arduous work you have done to have the body comply with your image of yourself. That is one example of the remodeling.
But consider this, if it is the way we are built, then we can change the survival mechanisms as well. We can take the ones that when developed by a child met the barest minimum of “Surviving” and delete them entirely, or replace them with more effective adult methods because we are now adults and have that capacity, or even just modify those that are relatively effective, but need tweaking.
"So every time I hear 'Sir' or 'Dude' or whatever, it says to me 'Sophie, you have failed yet again. Yet again, you are incompetent. You are not worthy of the title 'woman.' You will never be a woman. You really don't matter. In fact, in so many ways you are not even human."
You cannot change their “sir or dude”, but every time your inner voice responds to them with "Sophie, you have failed yet again.”
Your higher better self can correct that to the truth. “Sophie, they have failed you again”.
Every time your inner voice says, “yet again you are incompetent” your higher self can respond, “Nonsense, you are the most perfect Sophie you have ever been so far.”
Every time your inner voice tries to convince you “you are not worthy of the title woman”, your higher self can interject, There is no measure of worthy, no part nor portion of self-worth you have not met and exceeded, you are a wonderful woman.”
Sophie, from my heart and my soul and my mind I tell you
YOU ARE HUMAN!
You ARE WOMAN!
YOU MATTER!
PS Sophie, I hope you coming to either the renaissance support meeting, or Angela's at Baxters tonight? I am really want to see you. And, if you will let me, just give you the hug you so richly deserve. You know the kind that says "You are loved".
Mikal
I reprint it here without editing by her very kind permission.
Mikal Burke
********************************************************************************
Sophie, this is Mikal Burke. Even though I have read many blogs, I do not think I ever responded to one before. I had a hard time posting this to your blog site,
Sophie you packed so much into your post Misgendering Misery
I had very visceral reactions to some of the things you said. I hope you know I accept the truth of your pain and respect how you endure. I share it sufficiently that I wish to alleviate the worst if I could, I hope that in responding with my reaction to your honesty and vulnerability exhibited throughout the post that something, anything at all might help you through such pain.
If you already hear, or even fear rejection or condemnation in my words, please do not read further, because although none is intended, you could easily find it if that is where your head is right now. And since none is intended I do not want you to find it.
You expressed “I have done my best to earn my femininity every day.", and I found myself angry that people have made you think that you must earn what you are.
You do not have to earn it. It is yours. It is you. The only way it can be lost is if you allow someone to take it from you.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t ever do that.
You deserve so much better than that.
You assert, ”…our society does not value women, and the idea that a man would want to be a woman- would want to take that step back on the grand scale of things- to lose all those rights and privileges- to be one of them- is completely unfathomable! I get that.
Absolutely true, but most the people that believe poorly of us and behave poorly toward us, well
they rarely if at all think that deeply on the subject. A few because they just don’t know to, but most, because they are not able to do so. The few who don’t know, can learn and change, the remainder have a disability. Sometimes, not often, the disability is intellectual, but rarely do cognitively challenged people intentionally hurt someone, they have been hurt far too often. The majority cannot do it because of a lack empathy. An emotional disability. (an aside to make what that disability does clear, we have a president with that disability.) They are perfectly capable of hurting people. It is a hallmark of their disability. They simply cannot “Relate” on any emotional level with people. Until society figures out how to control them, or even better medical science finds a way to treat them or prevent that dysfunction from occurring, you and I and everyone they come in contact with are subject to their vitriolic toxic treatment of their fellow humans. I would not presume to tell you how to deal with them. We decent folk must each find our own way that works for us.
“Every time someone calls me "sir," I'm reminded of how much of a failure I am.”
You are most certainly not a failure. And on this very specific issue, failure is not a possibility. You are what you are.
On the other hand, people can fail to recognize the impossibility of your capacity to fail here.
in doing so they also fail to recognize that it is they who are failing to recognize truth. A truth you recognize and live despite their constant desire to make you live a lie, because they do not recognize truth. Any failure here is not yours!
"So many people in this country not only will never see me as a female, but actively wish me dead. Wish me to disappear. Don't want me or anyone like me to exist, and they are in Power.."
In every place where there are people, it has always been so and until we achieve some unidentifiable state of perfection, always will be.
It is also true that these kinds of people act this way toward being black, or Jewish, or old or disabled, or in any way being someone they in their limited capacity chose to label as “different”, "unacceptable" dangerous" etc.
But if you are what you are because IT IS what you are, then they are merely another part of the vast majority of the universe that is by nature hostile toward life. You can politely dismiss them as impertinent (while being wary enough to avoid the ones prone toward violence) or you can try to “fix” them, the choice is yours. Decide if you have the unlimited resources required to fix them, or… well you see my point.
Again you deserve better than what they offer, so why take their offering, it useless waste and detritus.
"I know I should let these people and their ignorance just roll off me 'like water off of a duck,' but that's so much easier said than done."
Sophie, it is impossible. People cannot ignore their feelings, repeated attempts to do so will result in serious mental health issues. Anyone advising you to ignore your feelings is not really thinking through their words.
On the other hand what you decide to do with and about your feelings is your choice, and a conscious directed act can improve how you deal with the apparently nearly infinite line of assholes.
"I guess it's the way I'm built- that I hear criticism far easier than I hear Praise. Maybe because I'm not used to praise. Maybe because I don't believe it- I never have."
“The way I’m built”, an interesting phrase. It has so many possible interpretations.
If the way we are built means the things that were done to us that directed our development of defensive mechanisms, then perhaps you are right.
Perhaps the genetic material that created your body, your neural network, your unique capacities was a foundation. And the life that was built upon that foundation includes the methods you needed to incorporate for survival. Well in that I think you are absolutely right. But that means you have the capacity to remodel. All the arduous work you have done to have the body comply with your image of yourself. That is one example of the remodeling.
But consider this, if it is the way we are built, then we can change the survival mechanisms as well. We can take the ones that when developed by a child met the barest minimum of “Surviving” and delete them entirely, or replace them with more effective adult methods because we are now adults and have that capacity, or even just modify those that are relatively effective, but need tweaking.
"So every time I hear 'Sir' or 'Dude' or whatever, it says to me 'Sophie, you have failed yet again. Yet again, you are incompetent. You are not worthy of the title 'woman.' You will never be a woman. You really don't matter. In fact, in so many ways you are not even human."
You cannot change their “sir or dude”, but every time your inner voice responds to them with "Sophie, you have failed yet again.”
Your higher better self can correct that to the truth. “Sophie, they have failed you again”.
Every time your inner voice says, “yet again you are incompetent” your higher self can respond, “Nonsense, you are the most perfect Sophie you have ever been so far.”
Every time your inner voice tries to convince you “you are not worthy of the title woman”, your higher self can interject, There is no measure of worthy, no part nor portion of self-worth you have not met and exceeded, you are a wonderful woman.”
Sophie, from my heart and my soul and my mind I tell you
YOU ARE HUMAN!
You ARE WOMAN!
YOU MATTER!
PS Sophie, I hope you coming to either the renaissance support meeting, or Angela's at Baxters tonight? I am really want to see you. And, if you will let me, just give you the hug you so richly deserve. You know the kind that says "You are loved".
Mikal
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