Dear Cisgender friend,
You asked me why I am so bothered when I am misgendered at work. For example, I was misgendered three times Tuesday.
I can understand your confusion- I can no more understand what it means to be cisgender then you can understand what it means to be transgender. But it is from there that we must try to build this bridge in which I try to explain exactly how I feel. The funny part is that there are some trans people who also don't get why it bothers me. That's their prerogative; we are not a monolithic group.
It starts with the fact that I have always been a Woman inside, and that for so many years I wanted to be seen as a man. I wanted to be seen as a man's man- strong, unstoppable, and what I did to prove that to myself was to drink hard, get into fights, and just be a general asshole. That's what I thought a man had to be.
I was at way, except with women. I worshipped women. They were, to me, the Pinnacle of humanity. They were what I aspired to be- what I wished for, but could never be. I tried to be the best possible man for them: caring, thoughtful... everything I heard they wanted, but never got. My reward for that was "I don't see you that way" or "you know I wish I could find someone just like you" or "yeah, you're so nice, but let me tell you about this asshole I'm in love with."
Nice guys do finish last.
I transitioned back in March 2014, and, since then, I have done my best to earn my femininity every day. Every day that I go out, I face ridicule, because for whatever reason our society does not value women, and the idea that a man would want to be a woman- would want to take that step back on the grand scale of things- to lose all those rights and privileges- to be one of them- is completely unfathomable! I get that.
But there it is again- they can't understand what it means to be trans, just as I cannot understand what it means to be cis. And so it is that every day I have to work on my makeup to try to get better. I have to work on my hair to try to get better. I have to try my best to fit within what I see as a feminine look; what others see as a feminine appearance, because if I don't reach that, then that is when the ridicule hits. Yes, there is stereotyping. No, this is not news for any woman out there.
I tend to wear skirts every day. For one, I enjoy them- they are comfortable, but two, I wore pants for 47 years, and I hated them. I hated them as a symbol of how I was born, and how I did not wish to be. Now I wear skirts: a feminine marker. I have large breasts. I've been gifted with them from God and from my genetics. Yes, I know how lucky I am. I show them off because it's a very feminine marker. I hope that people look there instead of at my face, because my face still looks (to me) extremely masculine. It is something that I'm reminded of every time I look in the mirror, and every time someone calls me "sir."
Every time someone calls me "sir," I'm reminded of how much of a failure I am. Every time I am misgendered, I am reminded that I will never be a complete woman. Oh, I could get all the surgeries I want, and I know that gender is within the head, but... So many people in this country not only will never see me as a female, but actively wish me dead. Wish me to disappear. Don't want me or anyone like me to exist, and they are in Power.
So many of these people who misgender me do so maliciously. I can hear it in the tone of their voice. I can see it in their faces, and in their eyes. They want me to know that I'm not fooling anybody. They want me to know that they see through my makeup and my clothes. They see through all the hard work I put into my voice; into my walk; into my comportment- into everything. They see through it all, and it shows me that I have so much more work to do. I will always have work to do. Unlike a cisgender woman, I have to earn my femininity every day. Every Goddamn day. It doesn't come naturally- not for me anyway. I see some of my trans sisters like Kira who have an easy femininity, and who pass unnoticed.
When I first transitioned back in March 2014, my hair was a lot shorter. My makeup skills weren't as evolved; my comportment not as refined. I was misgendered often, but I expected that. I knew that would happen, and I was prepared for it. For months, I was afraid to wear a skirt to work because I was afraid how my co-workers would react. How shocked they would be- "Oh my God HE is wearing a skirt!" I had people come up to me and say "what the hell are you supposed to be?" but now, almost four years later, my hair is so much longer. My breasts are filled out more. My comportment is much more on point, as is my voice. I have done so much practice; tried so many things; done everything I can.
My reward is someone saying "Thank you SIR" or "Are you a boy?" or "What kind of faggot are you?" Things I hear almost every day.
I know I should let these people and their ignorance just roll off me "like water off of a duck," but that's so much easier said than done. I guess it's the way I'm built- that I hear criticism far easier than I hear Praise. Maybe because I'm not used to praise. Maybe because I don't believe it- I never have.
So every time I hear "Sir" or "Dude" or whatever, it says to me "Sophie, you have failed yet again. Yet again, you are incompetent. You are not worthy of the title 'woman.' You will never be a woman. You really don't matter. In fact, in so many ways you are not even human."
That's What I Hear Sir.
To me, all those "Sirs;" all the misgendering; is like a Chinese water torture-
Drip
Drip
Drip
Driving me more and more insane,
And believe me, I had a good head start.
So, my cisgender friend, I hope that that is a bit of an explanation. I am glad that you do not understand. Seriously I am, because if you did, it means that you would have to endure the pain that I do. Some people seem to endure this pain with so much more ease- with so much more class. I really admire them. I wonder how they can do it, and they try to tell me, and I hear them, and I try, but again, it's all undone when I hear just one word.
One word.
"Sir."
Drip.
You asked me why I am so bothered when I am misgendered at work. For example, I was misgendered three times Tuesday.
I can understand your confusion- I can no more understand what it means to be cisgender then you can understand what it means to be transgender. But it is from there that we must try to build this bridge in which I try to explain exactly how I feel. The funny part is that there are some trans people who also don't get why it bothers me. That's their prerogative; we are not a monolithic group.
It starts with the fact that I have always been a Woman inside, and that for so many years I wanted to be seen as a man. I wanted to be seen as a man's man- strong, unstoppable, and what I did to prove that to myself was to drink hard, get into fights, and just be a general asshole. That's what I thought a man had to be.
I was at way, except with women. I worshipped women. They were, to me, the Pinnacle of humanity. They were what I aspired to be- what I wished for, but could never be. I tried to be the best possible man for them: caring, thoughtful... everything I heard they wanted, but never got. My reward for that was "I don't see you that way" or "you know I wish I could find someone just like you" or "yeah, you're so nice, but let me tell you about this asshole I'm in love with."
Nice guys do finish last.
I transitioned back in March 2014, and, since then, I have done my best to earn my femininity every day. Every day that I go out, I face ridicule, because for whatever reason our society does not value women, and the idea that a man would want to be a woman- would want to take that step back on the grand scale of things- to lose all those rights and privileges- to be one of them- is completely unfathomable! I get that.
But there it is again- they can't understand what it means to be trans, just as I cannot understand what it means to be cis. And so it is that every day I have to work on my makeup to try to get better. I have to work on my hair to try to get better. I have to try my best to fit within what I see as a feminine look; what others see as a feminine appearance, because if I don't reach that, then that is when the ridicule hits. Yes, there is stereotyping. No, this is not news for any woman out there.
I tend to wear skirts every day. For one, I enjoy them- they are comfortable, but two, I wore pants for 47 years, and I hated them. I hated them as a symbol of how I was born, and how I did not wish to be. Now I wear skirts: a feminine marker. I have large breasts. I've been gifted with them from God and from my genetics. Yes, I know how lucky I am. I show them off because it's a very feminine marker. I hope that people look there instead of at my face, because my face still looks (to me) extremely masculine. It is something that I'm reminded of every time I look in the mirror, and every time someone calls me "sir."
Every time someone calls me "sir," I'm reminded of how much of a failure I am. Every time I am misgendered, I am reminded that I will never be a complete woman. Oh, I could get all the surgeries I want, and I know that gender is within the head, but... So many people in this country not only will never see me as a female, but actively wish me dead. Wish me to disappear. Don't want me or anyone like me to exist, and they are in Power.
So many of these people who misgender me do so maliciously. I can hear it in the tone of their voice. I can see it in their faces, and in their eyes. They want me to know that I'm not fooling anybody. They want me to know that they see through my makeup and my clothes. They see through all the hard work I put into my voice; into my walk; into my comportment- into everything. They see through it all, and it shows me that I have so much more work to do. I will always have work to do. Unlike a cisgender woman, I have to earn my femininity every day. Every Goddamn day. It doesn't come naturally- not for me anyway. I see some of my trans sisters like Kira who have an easy femininity, and who pass unnoticed.
Sophie's first day of work: March 31, 2014
When I first transitioned back in March 2014, my hair was a lot shorter. My makeup skills weren't as evolved; my comportment not as refined. I was misgendered often, but I expected that. I knew that would happen, and I was prepared for it. For months, I was afraid to wear a skirt to work because I was afraid how my co-workers would react. How shocked they would be- "Oh my God HE is wearing a skirt!" I had people come up to me and say "what the hell are you supposed to be?" but now, almost four years later, my hair is so much longer. My breasts are filled out more. My comportment is much more on point, as is my voice. I have done so much practice; tried so many things; done everything I can.
September 2017. "Sir"
My reward is someone saying "Thank you SIR" or "Are you a boy?" or "What kind of faggot are you?" Things I hear almost every day.
I know I should let these people and their ignorance just roll off me "like water off of a duck," but that's so much easier said than done. I guess it's the way I'm built- that I hear criticism far easier than I hear Praise. Maybe because I'm not used to praise. Maybe because I don't believe it- I never have.
So every time I hear "Sir" or "Dude" or whatever, it says to me "Sophie, you have failed yet again. Yet again, you are incompetent. You are not worthy of the title 'woman.' You will never be a woman. You really don't matter. In fact, in so many ways you are not even human."
That's What I Hear Sir.
To me, all those "Sirs;" all the misgendering; is like a Chinese water torture-
Drip
Drip
Drip
Driving me more and more insane,
And believe me, I had a good head start.
So, my cisgender friend, I hope that that is a bit of an explanation. I am glad that you do not understand. Seriously I am, because if you did, it means that you would have to endure the pain that I do. Some people seem to endure this pain with so much more ease- with so much more class. I really admire them. I wonder how they can do it, and they try to tell me, and I hear them, and I try, but again, it's all undone when I hear just one word.
One word.
"Sir."
Drip.
I wish there was a way I could take away your pain, the misgendering, all the evil things that hurt you so. You deserve better. I have complimented you many times on how you look, your makeup, etc. You are more of a woman than I'll ever be, and you know it. Hugs
ReplyDeleteI disagree. You are the ideal we strive for. And YOU know it, bestie!
DeletePraying for your peace of mind. I haven't transitioned and don't have to deal with the public on a daily basis. But when I dress feminine to feel better mentally, I have had people laugh, stare and call me sir. It made my heart sank a bit and ruined my confidence. Sometimes I am able to ignore it, sometimes I can't.
ReplyDeleteSophie:
ReplyDeleteYou're fighting a battle on two fronts -- the enemy without, and the enemy within. The enemy without will always be there. We, the trans women, whether full or part time, need to harden our target so that the insults have little or no effect. That brings me to the enemy within. We are our own worst enemy because we are vain, and fragile, and ego driven, and we so want our vision of ourselves to be what others see.
I rarely want to channel my male self when I'm presenting my femme side, but I often find the need to dredge up an attitude to deal with the insults occasionally thrown at me.
You're doing the right thing be being the best woman that you can be. The sensitivity that you feel, and that you reflect, IS WHAT WOMEN FEEL, and how they are. The fairer sex is, by and large, more fragile, more emotional, more intuitive, more self-centered because of the traditional roles that we fill. You are filling one of those roles now. Your enemy within is the tension between your male and female psyches. You remember that insults are fighting words. Lance would have kicked ass and taken names if insulted. Sophie can't deal with the world that way. The tension there is besting you. You need to best it. Women win psychological battles differently. I don't have your answer, but I know that you do. You will find it within yourself -- your way of coping with, and minimizing the impact of, the slights, the curses, the in-your-face insults.
Remember that we've all missed the "formative years". Those growing years that build young girls into women. The situations where you would have faced the criticisms from friends, family, and others that would have been our teaching moments on how to act, dress, carry ourselves, and project ourselves onto the world and construct our own Wonder Woman shield and magic bracelets to help us cope.
My words of encouragement are "illegitimis non carborundum" which very roughly translates to "don't let the bastards wear you down!"
You're in my thoughts. I wish I could fix it for you -- that's the guy traits rearing up. I wish I could give you a hug of encouragement, hold your hand while you face up to a bully, and go out for drinks with you and a bunch of supportive women to commiserate. Be strong, woman. Be a strong woman -- that's how we survive.
Best always,
Rhonda
Look, you've said yourself that you are not passable. How can you reasonably expect everyone to call you, "her, she, woman"? When children ask questions, instead of being nasty and posting pitty me posts, why not use it as a teaching opportunity?
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you solved everything
DeletePeople tire quickly of educating others. Even moreso when it's a daily thing.
DeleteIt's not any transperson's job to educate everyone who isn't trans.
Sophie, I say forget them. Those who make you feel like you're not woman enough. Those who misgender you. Of course, it's easier said than done. Being insulted or attacked once is hurtful, let alone regularly.
I wish I had more useful things to say. But, I'm out of time for now.
Be well, Dear.
-Melissa :)
(Btw, I'm only posting anonymously because I can't remember my password and don't feel like changing it.)