Sunday, April 30, 2017

Thinking About Going Back

I posted the following on facialbook the other day.

Thinking out loud.


Well, for me to do this will require a LOT of planning and "selling." None of the 3 people I spoke with seemed thrilled with the idea of me applying.

I would need to retake the GRE. Get my recommendation letters, which will require coming out to at least 2 former professors.

I will have to pitch have what I want to do, which will essentially be transgender studies. What cisgender prof would sponsor that?

Then there's paying for it all.

Insurmountable? No. Difficult? Perhaps.

Then there's Linda Michelle Lewis. Will she want to move to State College?

How often will I see my daughter when I'm 3 hours away?

And in the end- will it be worth it?

I received many wonderful replies.  Some people said I shouldn't go to PSU.  So people wondered how I'd pay for it, while others suggested foundations, grants, etc.

Another Saturday night at work

My academic dream has always been to write books and teach at Penn State.  I have worked at Penn State as an instructional designer, and seen the politics of academia.  Yet, I still want it.

And, as you can see, my career and life are thriving.  *eye roll*

But the question becomes "why?"  Why would I want to do this?

I've ALWAYS felt the need to do something- a compulsion, really.  I volunteered as a paramedic at 16.  I chose teaching instead of something lucrative.  Veteran readers know these things.  Is that because I've always felt others were more deserving than myself?

November 2015

Perhaps, in the end, I want to prove to myself that I CAN scale that mountain- that I CAN get a Phd.  I can look at myself in the mirror and say I've done something few others can do.  Verification of intelligence and all that.  Validation.

Hey world, See?  Sophie IS intelligent.  She IS worthy.  She is MORE than just some freak of nature.

Or maybe, just maybe, I will look into that mirror and say the same things...  and believe it.

That would be the most difficult challenge of them all.

Be well.


  1. Sophie, DO IT! :)

  2. If this is something you're passionate about then I say go for it! Follow your bliss!