Monday, March 13, 2017

Six Months Since

It's been Six Months.

Six months of life that I didn't expect- that I didn't want.

As I've written before, I planned for many months to die on September 13, 2016.  My fiftieth birthday.

Many have written to me since then.  Messages of support both public and private.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the love and support you've shown me.

Being me, I wonder where people would be today had I carried out my plan.  My body would be ashes by now, or whatever.  Linda would've found a new roomie.  And, if things followed my plan, everyone would be over my death and going on with their lives, perhaps better for not having me dragging them down any more.  I'd have done everyone a favor.

Yes, my thoughts are Dark sometimes still.

And as I thought of this, I remembered a blog entry I wrote back in March 2014- six months to the day after my dearest friend Lisa Empanada's suicide.  So I looked it up.

Lisa thought she was doing us all a favor.  Especially Sandy.  She was so very wrong.  She couldn't have hurt us more if she tried.

All the deception.  The broken promises.  And we who loved her are left to pick up the pieces of our lives.


Someday, I may forgive her.  Someday, my heart will heal.  But not today.  Not now.  It's just too soon.

I still think of her every day.  I still cry for her.  I Still miss her, every day.

And I will always Love you my Sister.  Time will never change that.

I read that entry Over and over.  I cried.  Again.

Yes Lisa, I still cry for you.

Posted on Facialbook the night I announced my Truth

I'm no Lisa.  No one ever could be.

I am Sophie.  For better or for worse.

I think about all those messages.  I think about my Daughter.  Wife.  Linda.  Ally.  So many others.  And I re-read that entry again.

Six months can be an eternity in so many ways.  And it has been.  Looking back at September 2016, what has changed since?  Not one f**king thing.  In fact, my situation is worse.  I'm still hanging on by my fingernails both financially and professionally.

I disposed of the method on September 13.  Dumpster. Then, I opened my soul to the Love that others sent me.

I let it sustain me as my Hope is gone.  It still sustains me.  But to be honest, I channeled some of that Love toward the Light.  I shared it with Lisa.  I pray she felt it.  I pray she still does.

Six months I didn't want.  Six months paid for by the Love of others.

Well, dear friends, I hope you know what you've bought.  Now you're stuck with me.

I will fight the Darkness all the days of my life.  Nothing can change that.  But that life will be longer than I planned.  Already has been.  Going to be a lot longer too.

Caveat emptor.


  1. Brilliant post! I think it is time to stop hiding how many of us come, frequently, to consider ending our lives. You identify exactly what can help us carry on: pain we feel over the loss of suicides we have known and love for those we would hurt. I never assume that I am stronger than those who have taken that path. I assume their pain was even worse. Your voice matters!

  2. You would never kill yourself Sophie; you'd miss the attention

  3. <3 Having had the adult child of parent who chose to end pain with suicide in my life for several years, my personal experience says you made a good choice in a bad situation. I don't think the person I'm talking about ever forgave their parent for doing what they did. For leaving their life like they did. They still loved their parent so much, and yet the anger, and anguish, and grief still defined their life and actions over 20 years later. If wishing you to keep fighting and save your own child from the pain you (and Sandy and their daughter) feel from Lisa's loss means putting up with you and being there as support for you then ....

    Bring it. <3 <3 <3

  4. I am so glad you didn't carry out your plan. Even though it is only on line you are are part of my life. I would have been greatly saddened but your closer friends would have been devastated. We all are rooting for you and wish you well. I applaud your courage!!!

  5. Loved this post. The joy in the reality, YOUR reality, of achieving being authentic, a dream of yours for so many years. You wrote "I'm no Lisa. No one ever could be. I am Sophie. For better or for worse." YOU, sweet friend of mine, have overcome, and are continuing to live your life and are such a blessing to ALL OF US. THANK YOU for being 'YOU'.

  6. I am so happy that you are still here. Keep fighting that fight, and keep being amazing and inspiring!

  7. I trust that you don't really think that the threat of being stuck with you will deter us. 😅 Not a chance!

    I detect a slight sign of healing with your recognition that everyone WOULD NOT be better off without you. Lisa's choice angered and saddened Sandy and all of Lisa's family and friends, especially you, her BFF. We must forgive her for what she did, and we must forgive ourselves for thinking we could've should've done something -- that somehow we missed something, and but for our failure, she'd be alive.

    I'm thankful that you did not follow her down that path. To draw a loose analogy, desegregation would never have occurred if those who were its victims killed themselves instead of persevering. Gay and Lesbian friends would still be in the closet if not for many with the strength to face a horrible situation and take a stand. Transgender individuals are the current favorite group to marginalize and discriminate against. While you trail-blaze, you are unfortunately forced to suffer the recrimination that flows from being different and upsetting the cis-world's apple cart. FWIW, I am confident that your fortunes will shift and that you will find a place where you excel in the business world.

    Sorry for rambling/lecturing a bit, but you are worth it, after all.

    We'll hold you to your pledge!