Tuesday, July 5, 2016

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry that my posting on the blog has been irregular of late.  There's been an issue.

I have several entries that I started, but haven't finished.  They are about various events in my life.  Visitors, events, travels, letters... even a final entry.  Yet, they sit unfinished.

Many times I sit looking at an open writing notebook, with an empty page... and stare at it, unable to write it.  And, occasionally, I'll try to write directly on the computer (as I am now) and just stare at the monitor.  And my mind is as blank as the screen.

There's a reason for this, and it's a familiar one.

The Darkness has me by the throat.

I'm sure you're all tired of hearing me whine about this.  I was trying to do what Lisa did- not let on about it- just keep smiling and pushing on.  But Lisa was FAR better than me at that.

I can't fake it any more.  Another failure.

The situation at work (which I discussed HERE), and the associated money issues, are crushing me.  My roomie and bestie, Linda, is facing major money problems as well.  I want to help her, but I can't.  And that makes me feel even worse.  Hell, I had to ask Wife for help to make rent this month, and I still have an outstanding cable bill and a medical bill to pay, then THIS month's bills which are coming in.

Never mind the fact that I keep getting misgendered at work, even by coworkers (yes, HR was contacted.)  One customer even called me a "tranny."

Male, Apparently.

I actually got a raise at work, despite being capped.  I was very surprised, and very grateful.  It amounted to a 1.9% raise.  (And I've been there 12 1/2 years.) My rent also went up this month... by 6%.  So I'm losing ground fast.

I've had some great "victories" of late.  I mean, I was interviewed by a major Philadelphia newspaper!   So I should be floating and happy and stuff!  (And even the shitshow in the comments didn't faze me!)

After all, it was a Great Honor.  A Wonderful opportunity... which I haven't been able to parlay into anything at all.

Another failure.

I have no idea what will happen next.  Work... Home... I just don't know.

I have today off from work.  I woke up early and stared at the ceiling.  Fell back asleep.  Woke up, tried to write... nothing...

And I just don't know what to do.

Yes, I'm on meds.  I guess they help. I haven't been to therapy since my last therapist retired, despite some generous offers from some people to help me afford it.

I'm just always... so... tired anymore.  No energy.  It's Summer- my favorite season.  I should be going to Valley Forge Park and walking around.  I should be enjoying the Warmth of the Season.  I should be enjoying the company of friends.  Hell, my friend Elizabeth moved into town a few months ago and, aside from helping to move some couches, I haven't been to her place, and I haven't had her here.  And she's like a mile away.  My friend Katie lives just down the street, and I visited her ONCE, and that was for a party.

The apartment is a mess, and it's my stuff scattered everywhere.  I'm disgusted with myself, but I haven't made much of an effort to tidy up.

I just have no energy.  No drive.  I figure whatever I do will end in failure, so why bother?

I've been Here before, so many times.  The Darkness.

As the song goes "Hello Darkness my old friend."

So that's the issue, dear readers.  That's why you haven't read about my trip to NASA, or Dr, Dave's recent visit.  And I know you've noticed.  I'm still losing subscribers.

Maybe I should just stop writing for the public and just write in the notebooks just for me.  That's where most of my writing is done anyway.  But I haven't even been doing that.

I DID update my resume today, to add my Outreach talks at Universities.  So I finished that, for what it's worth.

On the way back from NASA, I stopped in Baltimore; at the site of Lisa's death.  I wasn't alone on the trip- my dear friend Amy D was with me.  I told her where we were.  After a couple of minutes, I asked her if I could have a minute alone.  She hopped back into the car (which I left running) and I spoke with Lisa for a couple minutes.  I told her how I'm feeling, and did my usual crying.  And, as always, received no answer.  Because she can't answer.  But it felt good to talk to her.

Lisa's Spot.  Note the remainder of the butterflies Sandy placed there last Christmas

In any case, I guess I'll just ride it out.  Again.  Like I have Every Other Time.  Hopefully, it will lift soon.

Or Not.

Thanks for your patience, those who stick around.

Be Well.


  1. Sorry Sophie. I'm afraid that depression appears to go hand in hand with out "condition". I hope that things will look up for you soon!

  2. hang in... you are the only one in control of your moods good or bad its your choice... stay on the positive side ... love ya

  3. Sophie - Instead of the usual "Hang On, things will get better" that you've heard a million times before, I'd like to suggest something else. First, the darkness has a hold on you big time. But it eventually passes, albeit with pain. I'd like to give you a mantra to recite, a phrase that is valid in almost any situation, albeit not comforting in all cases. And that phrase is: "This, too, shall pass."

    Why do I suggest a mantra?

    Like meditation, the repeated recitation of a mantra can help clear the mind. Focus on the mantra. Let yourself be absorbed by the mantra.

    The only way to fight the black dog is to know that it too shall pass. There are never enough pills to make you happy for long. But you can control how you react to the dog. And by gaining a little control over the dog, the lows slowly stop being so deep. (And yes, medicine does help.)

    I am concerned for you, and if there's anything I can do, I hope I can do it.....

    Take care....


  4. As Kimberly said, I hope things improve for you soon. And I will continue to read your blog, as well as keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


  5. My dear I happened upon your blog, I understand the darkness. It grips us all. I too take anti depressants. You can always get in touch with me just to vent. I know many folks who have blogs to vent every day life. I am just starting my journey and have a long way to go. I see by your photo above that you are a beautiful women. Please stay the course....Robin