A friend of mine is on the verge of transition. She is married with children and has a good job; living in a well to do suburb of a major eastern city.
I told her to plan it well, and she asked what kind of plans? This is what I sent her. I figured it was something that maybe someone else could use, so here it is. I've modified it slightly to remove personal info and make it more... well... blog entry like.
Random Recent Sophie Pic.
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Well, start by assuming the absolute worst. Loss of home and marriage.
Where will you live? Can you afford to live by yourself? If you need a roommate, where will you find one?
There will be lawyers. They will do their best to make you look like scum. Can you afford a lawyer? What will they take? Home, obviously. Car? 401K?
Word will get out- she will not stay silent. How do you control the narrative, which is vital?
Job. Assume the worst- you lose your job. How is your savings situation? With your skill set, can you find other work? What about insurance?
Friends. Assume the worst. You lose ALL of your "guy" friends. Do you have enough a support network with your [girl] friends to catch you when you fall (and fall you will)?
Family. Be prepared to lose them all. Disinherited, Cut off. May not happen, but be ready. How will you come out to them?
Children. They will not understand at first. They will be angry and confused. You may lose them for a time, but USUALLY you get them back in your life. Can you keep your head until they get theirs together?
Remember- you do not transition alone. Everyone you know transitions with you.
And after ALL of that... you didn't do this to remain a guy. Will you want surgeries? Electrolysis? You're going full time- you'll need a day to day wardrobe. That isn't cheap. Can you afford HRT without insurance?
Wigs. You'll need more than one; preferably identical (unless you'll be on finasteride to grow your own) [my friend is follicly challenged.]
Emergencies. Say something happens to one of your children, and you and your wife must work together after you split. What will be the compromise? (For 1 year after going ft, I kept a set of guy clothes for seeing Wife. My compromise. Those clothes are now long gone.)
Overwhelmed yet? Well, it's a good thing that YOU set the time of your coming out, so you have time to plan. So plan it well. But what if SHE outs you? Then what? Prioritize your planning for that emergency. Shelter, support- they are the priorities. (Think Maslow)
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So, this is how I planned. I made the plans prior to telling Wife about my Truth, but didn't need them then. But they were ready, and they really saved my butt when MIL tossed me out with two days notice.
Did I miss anything?
Transition isn't easy ("If it were easy everyone would do it" as Donna Rose has said.) And it should be the LAST resort. A person shouldn't do it just because they like wearing dresses when they get home- they should do it because they NEED to do it. And if you NEED to transition, you'll know.
I hope this helped my friend, and maybe someone else.
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So, this is how I planned. I made the plans prior to telling Wife about my Truth, but didn't need them then. But they were ready, and they really saved my butt when MIL tossed me out with two days notice.
Did I miss anything?
Transition isn't easy ("If it were easy everyone would do it" as Donna Rose has said.) And it should be the LAST resort. A person shouldn't do it just because they like wearing dresses when they get home- they should do it because they NEED to do it. And if you NEED to transition, you'll know.
I hope this helped my friend, and maybe someone else.
These are very good points for planning your transition even if one is not married and has children.
ReplyDeleteExcellent list. Should be a big help to anyone considering transition.
ReplyDeleteMandy
I'd add two things to the list.
ReplyDeleteClothes. You are going to need a whole new wardrobe after you've transitioned. Clothes that are suitable for a person your age and wont look out of place when you are shopping, going to work, doing the hundred and one things that you do now and will continue to do after you transition. Have you budgeted for the new wardrobe, have you got clothes to wear when you go full time while you build up your new wardrobe.
And the second thing. No matter what you plan, no matter how you think that people will react, be prepared to be surprised.
I expected my wife and her family to go ballistic and for her to want a divorce. 5 years after I told her and 4 after I transitioned and we are still together. Her family have accepted the situation, some better than others.
Keeping a spare set of clothes, even if they are fairly androgenous like jeans and tee-shirt is a good idea as I ended up having to go back to being he when we visited my father-in-law because he was terminally ill and then had to wear male attire to both his and my Mum's funerals.