Sunday, April 3, 2016

A Matter of Trust

I've always had trust issues.  It usually takes me a LONG time before I trust someone.  Go figure: I held a deep, dark secret for over 45 years of my life!

I can count the number of people who I've trusted instantly on one hand- and those people, I consider VERY special.  To date, my sense of this has been quite good- none have betrayed my trust that I know of.  It's funny- of everyone who fits that category, only ONE was from before I rediscovered myself.  I guess it's because those since then have met the Real Me, and shared the same "deep dark secret."

Lisa Empanada was one of those people.  Linda Lewis, who is my roomie and bestie, is one as well.

In the past couple of months, I met someone who will go unnamed in this blog.  That person and I clicked immediately.  This person, whom I will call... *checks to see what letters I haven't used for aliases yet*... "K" does not live near me; in fact she is in another part of the country.

We text and IM.  It's fun.

But here's the thing about trust- I don't know what is too much.  What is "going over the line?"  Despite the fact that I bare my soul in my writing, I am usually a very private person.  You want to know about me?  Read my blog.  It's a habit I developed early on.  I learned that, really, people just don't care to hear about your problems, your fears, doubts, and especially your wants.  And that's fine- it fit in with the distance I needed to put between myself and people.  (See "secret" above.)

And this is important- we wonder how "Coming out" will be taken by the world at large.  How will my walking in the mall in a dress be perceived?  Pitchforks and torches?

The fact is: no one cares.  They may look.  They may say something.  But then they go on with their lives.  That is, unless you encounter an a$$hole.  They like hurting people- especially those they perceive as different.  (See: "GOP")  In my area, this is actually uncommon.  But in some parts of this country and world, it's downright deadly.

But I digress.


Anyway, why am I writing about this?  Well, I was IMing with K, and I told her a story.  It's a story I have told no one else.  Something very private.  This was kind of in response to something ELSE I said that...

Well, anyway, I told her something that maybe I shouldn't have.  Now, I don't think the story will get around- I do trust her.  But I worry that I may have alienated her with one or the other parts of that conversation.

Sometimes a friendship can be lost by oversharing.  I lost so many friends when I "shared" with them my Truth.

That's the big problem with Trust:  the risk of putting oneself out there.  You become vulnerable.  Shields and defenses down.  Naked before the storm.  Insert cliche here.

And there is Fear.  Being vulnerable is so very scary.  We are conditioned to shy away from possible pain- to flinch.

In a way, Coming Out about your Truth is a dichotomy: one becomes so vulnerable while simultaneously empowering oneself with the Truth that has been hidden.

So, in any case, what's done is done.  The words I sent were read and she responded to them.  What she thinks of me for writing what I did is, well she keeps things to herself as well.

We ALL have secrets.

Some we share.  Some, not so much.

But they are always there.  Big and small.  And sometimes, just sometimes, the secrets...

Are good.

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