Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Last Weekend

I had Saturday and Sunday off last weekend.  I actually didn't realize it until Saturday, so any "going away" plans were not made.

The Pope was in Philadelphia and all of South East PA was closed down.  Were they expecting someone to detonate a nuke or something?  In any case, traffic was more than a bit snarled.

So what did I do?  Well, I saw Wife and Daughter both days.  On Saturday, we went to see Hotel Transylvania 2.  It was a fun movie, and Daughter loved it.  It had enough jokes for the adults as well.  Good family entertainment.  I also saw my dog, Nittany, for a little bit.

So why did I feel absolutely depressed?

I don't know.

Saturday morning, I was hit by a tidal wave of Darkness (see here for explanation of my terms, those who don't get the reference.)  I have no idea where it came from or why it hit, but I was suddenly desperately depressed.  After dropping off Wife and Daughter, I went back to the apartment and quietly watched TV with Linda.  I really don't remember what we watched.  I was lost in thought.  I wrote a blog entry that night.  About what?  My suicide attempt in 1990.  Yeah, really helpful.

I went to bed around 2:30 AM.  The next morning I slept as long as I could.  I went grocery shopping with Wife and Daughter and returned to the apartment.  I went directly to the bedroom.  My dear friend Ally texted me, asking what was wrong.  (I posted on Facialbook "What the hell is wrong with me?)

Oh, quick sidebar.  Friday night and Saturday morning I was on Facialbook.  There is a group I'm in which concerns the town where I live.  I have posted several items about transgender rights, politics, etc.  Many people have been supportive of the TG posts, but several have been REALLY nasty.  You know how trolls are.  Well, both Friday and Saturday, people got ugly personal, sending me PMs, etc.  Usually as soon as someone gets personal, I block them. And so I did.  But it didn't help my mood.

Anyway, Ally texted me.  I told her about the Darkness, and that I was laying on my bed curled up in a ball and crying, which I was.  She tried calling me, but I'd silenced my phone.  I cried myself to sleep.

A few hours later, I awoke.  I dragged myself into the living room.  Linda was on her computer.  I told her how I felt.  She did her best to help me pinpoint the issue, but we couldn't.

My dear friend Sandy Empanada texted me.  She wanted to know what was wrong.  Had she read FB or did Ally contact her?  No idea.  Didn't matter.  We texted back and forth as we discussed the Darkness.  You see, she knows all about it, having lost her spouse Lisa to it two years ago.

Maybe that was part of it?

In any case, I couldn't stop crying.  I kept thinking about how I'd destroyed my marriage and how my daughter was going to have issues growing up because of me.  I kept thinking about all I gave up to be a woman.  And I thought about Lisa, and how I missed her.  How I wished I could speak with her.  And how tempted I was to follow her.  How easy it would be...

Actually, it wouldn't be easy.  I'd deprived myself of Method.  The only way I could do it at this point would be a car accident or jumping in front of a huge moving vehicle.  Those methods could leave me crippled and not dead.  I wanted a sure thing.  Didn't have that... intentionally.  Sometimes I'm pretty smart.

So I suffered through the rest of the day.  I took melatonin to help me sleep.  And sleep I did.  The next day I worked at the bookstore.  I felt a bit better, as work kept my mind focused.

And this morning, I woke up fine.  The Darkness had passed.

I still have NO idea why it hit me so hard and so suddenly.  It was very scary, to be blunt.  And I don't scare easily.

On my way to work this morning

So today, I'm at the register. A regular customer comes up and greets me by name. She has a book reserved, which I give her. She wants to look it over, which is fine. As she walks away she looks back at me and says "Thank you, SIR." I immediately reply "Sir??" and she says " oh sorry." 

Later that day, another woman "Sir"-ed me.  At least her apology was genuine.

Ok, I was wearing a nice new purple blouse, wearing a black skirt.  My confidence was shaken.

Then I received word of the death of fellow Vanity Club sister Stefia Satoh.  She died peacefully in the arms of family after a bout with cancer.  

I finally went home, and Linda and I went grocery shopping with Linda.  We watched a movie.  I bounced around Facialbook and messaged with my cousin Anne in Scotland for a bit.

Then I started typing this entry.

Tomorrow will be a better day!



  1. You're one of my dearest friends, and we must watch out for each other in this disturbed world. You are OBVIOUSLY woman, but some assholes love to flaunt their ignorance concerning transgender people.

    Consider the source...seriously. Love you!

  2. So, I'm going to preach to the choir for a moment...apologies in advance.

    Having flirted with depression myself, the thing that I found easy to forget is that when I get sucked down, I wanted to fix it...or more precisely, I just wanted it to stop! So I'd look for what triggered it and would drive myself crazy. But the thing is, it's not any ONE thing that triggered it, it was ALL the things together. All the little worries would gang up like snowflakes in a blizzard, and you can't fight them off one by one. (Later, after the "storm" passes you can, but as you discovered, sometimes it's just best to hunker down and ride it out and lean on friends.)

    But one by one, I'd have to look at those snowflakes and deal with those little troublemakers. For me, I know that even things like reading the news or following political arguments on Facebook can piss me off or drag me down, so I've learned to take vacations from such things from time to time. Managing the stressors in your life means looking at them objectively and deciding which ones you have to endure as opposed to the ones you're foolishly forcing on yourself.

    The other thing I learned is that once you've been burned by depression, you will likely carry it for the rest of your life. I know in my case, even when I'm in an otherwise good mood there are times I can feel the negativity clawing at me, and as a result I have to self-police my thoughts constantly, which is exhausting! But as they say, the price of freedom is eternal vigilance, and as much as it sucks to fight against the negativity vortex, it's way easier to do it early in the cycle rather than after it's started to drag you down...

    Hang in there, hon!

    - Jenny

  3. Sophie -

    Ignore the "Sirs" that come out of some people. Some individuals pick up gender queues differently than others, and don't mean to be insulting. (I've found this true with certain immigrant groups who look at the body more for cues, and not at the mode of dress.) Like you, I occasionally get "Sir'ed" - and it frustrates me. Until I get FFS, I expect that this will be the case.

    I've noticed in your video postings that your feminine voice is getting better over time. Keep up the good work. This is an area that helps clinch the Sir or Ma'am question for many people. And you're doing much, much better here than when you posted your first video....