As the moon wanes on a cloudy night, I feel off.
Off?
Something is wrong. I feel down. I saw Wife and daughter tonight, and Daughter was very vocal about how she wants me to live with them and for us to "be a family again." I really wanted to tell her that I can't come back as long as they live where they are. But I didn't.
I told her that it wasn't my choice, and that we would always be a family, no matter where I live. I really pray that's true.
Tonight I feel incompetent. There's a metric of my new position that I am not meeting, and management has made it clear that this puts my job at risk. I could be demoted back to part time. No benefits. Which means no surgery.
No pressure, right?
So I have to sort out this metric, but everything I've tried so far has failed. I've trained some damn good salespeople in my day... and here I can't solve this problem.
I miss feeling competent.
Why can't I make a living writing? Seems to be the only thing I'm good at.
On another track, today is May 16. Lisa died 8 months ago today. But who's counting?
On yet another track, tomorrow I submit an application for an apartment. Hopefully they'll accept the application, and homelessness will be averted.
So that's what's on my mind on a night where dark clouds partially obscure the full moon. It looks more like October than May. But Summer is coming, not going. Heat, humidity... I love summer.
Yes, I'm rambling. And I'm going to post this unedited. Why? Well whats the purpose of this blog if not to air my thoughts and faults? Sure as hell isn't entertainment.
But I'm glad you're sharing my life with me. It comforts me to know I'm not alone. It gives me hope.
Hope.
Off?
Something is wrong. I feel down. I saw Wife and daughter tonight, and Daughter was very vocal about how she wants me to live with them and for us to "be a family again." I really wanted to tell her that I can't come back as long as they live where they are. But I didn't.
I told her that it wasn't my choice, and that we would always be a family, no matter where I live. I really pray that's true.
Tonight I feel incompetent. There's a metric of my new position that I am not meeting, and management has made it clear that this puts my job at risk. I could be demoted back to part time. No benefits. Which means no surgery.
No pressure, right?
So I have to sort out this metric, but everything I've tried so far has failed. I've trained some damn good salespeople in my day... and here I can't solve this problem.
I miss feeling competent.
Why can't I make a living writing? Seems to be the only thing I'm good at.
Will Write for Food
On another track, today is May 16. Lisa died 8 months ago today. But who's counting?
On yet another track, tomorrow I submit an application for an apartment. Hopefully they'll accept the application, and homelessness will be averted.
So that's what's on my mind on a night where dark clouds partially obscure the full moon. It looks more like October than May. But Summer is coming, not going. Heat, humidity... I love summer.
Yes, I'm rambling. And I'm going to post this unedited. Why? Well whats the purpose of this blog if not to air my thoughts and faults? Sure as hell isn't entertainment.
But I'm glad you're sharing my life with me. It comforts me to know I'm not alone. It gives me hope.
Hope.
Fingers crossed for that apartment!
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew what to say to help make it better my friend . . .
ReplyDeleteSophie:
ReplyDeleteYou're never alone when you're a member of this community -- unless you want to be. From your writings through the ages, it is clear that you have both a great group of friends, and some people who are very close to you and with whom you can share the good, the bad, but no longer the ugly, as you're blossoming into a beautiful woman as you transition.
You mentioned the challenging metric. Make sure that your metric is no more difficult than other similarity positioned employees (M & F). If it looks like you're being set up, you need to address it with the corporate HR folks immediately. You may be a girl, but you've got to be a tough as nails girl to survive. End of pep talk.
BTW, if that your unedited work . . . . Not bad at all.
Best Rhonda
Hi Sophie,
ReplyDeleteI hope this all works out well on its own in your favor. That said, I would second what Rhonda wrote. Having been nastily set up via a new "Consultant" whom I naively gave the world to regarding (my department in a non-profit organization) in my 20s, I learned the hard way to never trust what is in front of me ever again. Can't say that I am good at office politics, but I now keep guard up much, much more.
This may be a straight-up situation, but you are too smart of a person to be incompetent. No way that is possible. If I may offer a small bit of advice that was given to me once: write down everything, get it out of your head, take notes daily and print out e-mails to keep a record. Self-preservation is not a bad thing.
Kick butt, girl!
Karin
I know you write for TGF but I would suggest that you bookmark the TWIT for 4/28 with respect to the article about the employment case of "Mia Macy vs. Eric Holder". In my view I think that being 'T' is now a protected class in employment discrimination matters.
ReplyDeleteRegards,
Pat