Monday, May 12, 2014

Thoughts on a Waxing Moon

It's clear night with high clouds and we approach the full moon.  I've been full time as a Woman for about a month and a half.  Here are random thoughts from the past few weeks.

My dear friend, the  beautiful Victoria, has her GCS on Tuesday.  I am praying for her speedy recovery.  Her dream is coming true, and I couldn't be happier for her.

With warmer weather arriving, I've discovered that boobs sweat.  I'm told powder helps this.

I'm still thrilled when customers refer to me as "her,"  "she," etc.  Occasionally I still get "sir"-ed, but I try not to let it bother me.   My confidence is growing.

Brie Mcfee has passed.  From what I gather, it may have been suicide.  I never met her.  But she was special to many of my friends, and will be missed by many good people.  May the four winds blow you safely home, Brie.  I hope you found peace.

I still think of Lisa Empanada every day.  I still cry for her.  I don't talk about her much anymore as people would think I'm obsessed.  Her death affected me so profoundly.  Eight months since...  I wear her four leaf clover necklace very often.  I remember what the symbol meant to her.  I think it was the best gift I ever gave anyone.  And getting it back the way I did still breaks my heart.  I miss you so much, Lisa.

"Not all tears are evil." J.R.R Tolkein

What is the nature of Change?  We all change every day.  Our lives are not static.  The person I am today is unrecognizable as the person I was a year ago.  I am really so different.  Is it for the better?  Events change people and shape us.  It's been one hell of a year.

I've gained weight.  I know why.  Drinking.  Time to go dry again?

"How many friends have I really got?"   Pete Townshend

With the amazing Linda Lewis at McKenzies

Linda Lewis and I go to McKenzies Devon with some frequency.  One of the barmaids, Valerie, has been amazing to us.  The other night she defended us to a table of rich looking older business types asking rude questions.  She is an amazing ally, and a wonderful person.  Thanks Valerie.  Seriously.

We are ALL ambassadors of the Trans community.  How we comport ourselves in public reflects upon us all.  My therapist said she was happy that a Transwoman was working as head cashier at the bookstore, as people will SEE me and be forced to interact with me.  In this way, they learn we are people.  She's right, and I am cognizant of this every day.

What is the Nature of Good?  And why do so many people seems to be just the opposite?

An old friend saw me for the first time yesterday.  She asked me "do you get tired of everyone saying you're an inspiration?"  She was referring to all my cisgender friends on Facialbook saying how brave I am.  The answer is "no."  I am not tired of it.  Each of them is a brick in my wall of defenses.  Each one is an Ally- someone who now knows a Transperson, and sees we are human.  And maybe they will pass that news along.  Everyone is an activist in their own way.  Maybe, just maybe, I'll see trans-equality in my lifetime.  Wouldn't it be nice?


  1. I can't specifically say why some are so positive and "good" while others are so negative towards us and "bad", but it does seem to reflect human nature. In being transgender, it is like, as I have said many times in the past, like taking away the filters which people may hide behind, and allows us a clear window into their heart and soul. Being trans makes it that much easier to know up front who are our friends and allies and who are the negative forces in our life.....without our having to have spent a lifetime getting to think we knew them and only then to be ultimately hurt.

  2. Sophie,
    I'm really and truly happy you're on you way and wish you all the luck in the world on what is a very difficult journey... and to that end with much kindness and hope for your future, here are a few bits of unasked for advice from someone who did this successfully a long time ago!

    Passing... much as I hate the term, (I much prefer assimilation) it really is our bellwether and despite the "activists" assertions to the contrary, it is (or should be) our goal! To that end, it becomes your responsibility to make it so! (putting the onus on other with teaching moments is a male cop out of the first order!) I've known sisters who started in pretty much the same rather masculine place as you, or worse! Who now, years later are fully and flawlessly assimilated into the world of woman... and yet on the other hand, I've also known ones who got it handed to them on a silver platter and they are still clocked from a half a mile by a blind man... The key to this is, as it is with with every reading... as it was told to me by a very wise sister many many years ago... Go home, cry if you must, but when you are ready. go take a long HARD look in the mirror, figure out where it is YOU failed... not the world... but you... and here is the key, then, well, you FIX IT! This takes time, this takes patience and it takes one hell of a lot of very very hard work because the reasons for the reading are a thousand and one different things that all have to be reset, but trust me, it CAN BE DONE! I did it... others have done it and YOU can do it too!
    Part I

  3. The community... Yes... our "community!" For sure it can be safe place to rest and recover, particularly when you're all raw, sore bruised and bleeding from the ungodly hard work of transition... but if you are at all serious about this, and I really do think you are, it's a place you should be endeavoring to get the hell out of just as fast as you possibly can! Face it! The only HONEST reason anyone is in this community is because they cannot make it in the world of women... Which means while they can teach you all about being a damn fine tranny... you are not going to learn from them any of the hard lessons of why and how in your need to be letting go of your Male Privilege (and if you say you never had it... well right there is exactly where you need to start in learning to see it, because you and every one born male has it and NO woman ever does!) or how it is that women really interact with each other... You are never going to learn ANY of this from the community... those are things which you can ONLY learn in the same way that every female does... from other women! So quietly leave the community, take your place in the back of the room with other women, and listen intently...then? Listen some more... and if you EVER think you should tell women where they are screwing up about pretty much anything... go back, revisit your privilege... then listen some more!

    Part II

  4. And while I am quite sure she would think otherwise, I simply want to scream at the terribl advice given you by your therapist! Brutal Truth! IF she is saying that she has given up on you ever assimilating and is trying to make you comfortable in what she sees as your new role... man in a dress! Sister to sister? PLEASE! Forget all that hog wash about "gender" you are being fed by the shovel full! Humans are sexually dimorphic... we come in two flavors... male and female and this applies to all seven billion of us because even with the VERY rare who are really intersexed, it is the exception, it is a true mutation and it is one that is never passed on as they are sterile and should not be pointed to as reason by our "community..." because even with the interesexed.. the lions of them will and do choose to live fully in one sex or the other... What this means to you, is that if you accept being out and being "proud" you are accepting your being seen as a man in a dress... And yes this is true, even if folk are very very nice and they don't comment on anything... or if they do, they are trying their very very best to be "encouraging." What they still see is what they see, and what they see is a man in a dress... Why? Because... THEY CAN'T HELP IT... It's not bigotry, it's not "transphobia" it's human because sexing other humans is something that is hard wired into our brains as a survival necessity and we do it automatically in far less than a second! Including newborns! (see passing) As for her casting you as being a "positive example?" Yes... I guess you are if you like being "a martyr for the cause." And it may do wonders for folks getting use to dealing with the fact that there are men in dresses... but honestly? It doesn't do shit for you, or your life or loved ones nor does it in anyway make the "cis" "see you" as female... see above... That is why the goal in this is if you are transsexual is always assimilation and from the videos I've seen, now that you have dropped the TV-ish inappropriate over dressing and you have gotten you voice down perfectly... (and you really have!) and if you can tackle voice and succeed... Honey? There is absolutly no reason in the world that you cannot do the rest! Yes it may be work and it may take years... but don't you EVER let anyone sell you short on this!

    And with that I will take my leave as I'm certain I've just started a bonfire of hate upon which the community would love to watch me burn... but for all their anger, this really is meant to be encouraging and helpful, and it is the exact same sound advice I was given, (and followed) by those who went before me...and... SUCCEEDED!



  5. Being a part of a loving community gives everyone involved strength. Your celebratory remarks of other friends achievements are reflected in your own experience. You are a dear person and friend, and I'm proud and honored to know you.

  6. I had to giggle at "boobs sweat." Yes, yes they do. Powder does help, and I think Lane Bryant sells these moisture-wicking bra liners. I haven't tried them, but the associate I talked to loves them.