Dinner meeting and meetings

So dinner out with friends is a time of celebration- of fellowship.  As humans we prefer to eat in groups (thank you sociology class!).  Dinner especially is a time when we gather to share stories of our day and make new memories.

Last weekend was my usual monthly Saturday out as Sophie.  I was invited to dinner... at a place that wasn't filled with TG people.  It would be our little group sitting in a restaurant full of people.  This place is a restaurant that I have patronized a few times as my drab self.  It's fairly good and fairly popular.  Cafe Winberie.

Knowing that I'd be going out, I was fairly nervous.  More than fairly- I was scared out of my mind!  Maybe it'd be best if I dress down and try to blend in?  Not me!  No, I had to dress like city slut come home!

So what do you think?

I love this LBD (little black dress) and decided to spice it up a bit with some red accents.  Normally this is a great club dress, but in a place where all the women were wearing sweaters, I stood out like... well like a crossdresser.  Go figure.  Anyway, as usual, I went to see Amanda Richards for a makeover and she did her usual wonderful work.

Smiles everyone!

Well, dinner went smoothly.  I didn't see anyone I knew at the place (which was a concern) and we sat in the back of the place near a large party and some other diners.  I noted some surprised and disgusted looks as we walked back to the table, but the hostess complimented my shoes!  :)  I was shaking in my pumps as we were led to the table, but kept my head high and mustered all the confidence I could.

The only unusual behavior I noted was the staff.  The guy waiting on us was prompt, respectful and efficient.  However, every other member of the staff were peeking around corners or walking by to get a look at us.  That includes the cooks.  I hope they liked what they saw!

Anyway, dinner was good and we left without incident.  It was a great time with my friends!  Somehow we neglected to take pictures.  How did that happen?

We missed the Renaissance meeting, but we managed to hang out there for a little.  While there I noticed something for the first time: someone staring at my breasts.  She simply was having a hard time making eye contact.  Dressed as I was, I can't complain, and I had in the past noticed glances from people.  But this girl was hypnotised.  Amusing.  :)

Off to Blue Pacific for Angela's Laptop Lounge!  There I was more in my element- among other gurls.  I met my "big sister" Mel there and had fun.  My friend Vanessa attended for the first time in seven months.  Soon, the amazing  Donna Rose arrived and added to the party.  She told us that Chloe Prince was also coming!  Chloe is one my trans-heroines.  She was on ABC-TV and runs Pink Essence. 

L to R: Chloe, Tina, me, Donna

I met Chloe and she was nice as can be imagined.  Even bought her a drink.  And she drank it!  She was in town to do an interview for Pink Essence.

In the end, I had a wonderful time.  I met someone I admire and didn't make an ass of myself.  In fact, it was a mellow time.  I didn't drink too much and all too soon was back at the motel facing that dreaded shower that ends my woman time.  Back to drab for another month.  These months are becoming excruciating- I need more time as Sophie.  Is my feminine side trying to tell me something?

Oh, for dinner? I had chicken.  Breast. 


As always, you can see more pics at my flickr page:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/lori_anne2008/

Homework

As I think I've mentioned once or twice, I see a therapist: Dr. Osbourne.  She is one of the leading experts on transgenderism.  I started seeing her a year or so back to get an idea of who I was as Sophie.  I've been seeing therapists for over 10 years for depression.  Think it may be related to suppressing my feminine side?  Hmmm.

So Dr. O got a list of interesting questions from a friend of hers, a Nun.  The questions are as follows:

*As you look back on the year just completed:*

1. What name would you give to your journey of the past year?

How would you describe it to one of your friends?

What image or metaphor would you use to talk about it?

2. What were some of your "epiphanies" of the past year?

How did you grow because of them?

3. Who were your wise persons?

What did they reveal to you?

How did this influence your life?

4. Did any of your hopes and dreams become a reality?

5. What was most satisfying about the year?

What was least satisfying?

6. How did your experience of the past year affect the world in which you live?

Yeah pretty rough stuff.  That nun must be a sadist.  So anyway, my theraputic homework was to pick one question and answer it.  And since we're all friends here, I thought I'd share my answer with you.  Oh, by the way, if you feel like answering these yourself, feel free.  It's tough!

 

So anyway, my answer follows:

 

What name would you give to your journey of the past year?

There is only one name I could really give it: Hell.

How would you describe it to one of your friends?

That’s the point isn’t it? I have two lives and two sets of friends.

Both would hear the following: I lost my full time job (demoted to part time) since I took a contract job. The contract job was an Orwellian nightmare and I was fired after two weeks. So now I’m part time: no benefits, no contract work. Add to that my wife and mother in law (who we live with) have specialized in making life hell.

My female life has progressed well. I am growing by leaps and bounds. I’ve made friends and expanded my horizons. I have figured out what I “look” like and am learning makeup. Yet in so doing, this puts pressure on my male life. I want to be female more and more. This means lying to my wife and spending money I really shouldn’t. Yet also this year I made an enemy. Her issue seems to boil down to she “just doesn’t like me.” I guess I can’t please everybody- that said, she touched a nerve which caused me a lot of soul searching.

What image or metaphor would you use to talk about it?

Don Quixote: Questing for something that may not exist and tilting at windmills of imaginary menace.

What may not exist? The possibility of happiness. The possibility of finding a job. The possibility of becoming Sophie in body as well as mind. Are these all illusions? Are they fantasies? Phantoms? I work hard to get a job. I work at being Sophie, and I’m beginning to believe that the road to happiness runs through being her. If not happiness then at least Peace. But that road is full of dangers. Here there be dragons! Or are they just windmills?

 

So now you have an idea of how I think.  Scary isn't it? 

 

Tomorrow night I will be out again- this time for dinner before Ren and laptop.  To say I'm scared doesn't begin to touch the surface.  I'm terrified.  But I will go, as my friends will be there and I need to learn to present myself in public in "non-safe" places as a woman.

 

May God have mercy on my soul.  And my pocketbook.  ;)

Femme Fever: the sequel

Yesterday I rented a car and drove to New York.  I headed down Long Island to the home of Karen, who runs Femme Fever.  I'd been there before over two years ago.  So much has changed!  (I reposted my blog from then so you can compare.  Aren't I nice?)

Picture from first visit

In two years I have grown tremendously.  While I still tremble every time I walk out the door, at least I get OUT that door.  I have spent time and money shaping my outside to look as feminine as I can.  I have made friends (and apparently an enemy but no one's perfect.)  So, after 2 years I returned to Karen. 


I really meant to get back sooner!  Honest!  It's a LONG trip though!

So I was 1/2 hour late due to traffic.  This time I brought my hips, my own corset and my boobs.  ;)  It didn't take me long to get ready, and Karen decided on a short stretchy skirt and nice top, tights and slingbacks.  We tried a few wigs, and started with this one:

Then this one:

I'm partial to the blond myself.  I was loving that skirt so we tried a different top:

Then a different outfit:

then another:

So Ok, I could post pics all day and that's what Flickr is for.  Right? 

It was a dream and the four hours flew by.  Karen said that I was so different, that when I was dressed I "came alive."

I came alive.

Is it because being Sophie IS becoming my life?  That without "her" my life would just be drab monotony?  Or worse?

Of course, being a woman isn't all just playing dress up.  Duh.  And to get there is an incredibly hard road.  Like many who walk this road, I have many hard decisions to make.  I am Sophie and she is me. 

It's the "she" part that makes it worthwhile and so so hard.  Now I must wait another two weeks to dress as Sophie again.  Two long, cold weeks.

I can't wait!

When I left Karen's I bought an anklet.  And that black skirt.  I loved it.  And every woman needs that one short black skirt, doesn't she?  ;)
PS: I'll be posting the pics at my flickr site:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/lori_anne2008/

PS2:  I will be presenting at the Keystone Conference!  More as this develops!

First Femme Fever: originally posted Dec 6, 2008

Be gentle- it’s my first time... being made over.

Wow, it's been a couple of days and I'm still floating.

I went to Femme Fever for a makeover. They supply everything which is good because I have nothing, really. I just started dressing again, so I have one outfit, a wig and some birdseed. Comical, really.



So I drove the 3 hours from Philly to Long Island (with all the tolls!) Only got lost once. I've never done anything like this ever. I mean, here I was, going to a complete stranger and saying to them "make me look like a woman." I was giving them my biggest secret. I was so scared. I couldn't believe I was actually going through with it. What if my wife found out? What about my coworkers?



I arrived maybe 15 minutes late, and it was a nice house in a typical-ish neighborhood. Karen greeted me at the door and immediately made me feel comfortable. She has a very disarming nature. She seated me in her studio, and we talked. She gave me her background, then she pulled out a bra and some breastforms. I'd seen them on the net but I'd never felt them or anything, but there I was wearing them. Another minute and I was in panties (tucked, of course), thigh highs, and a robe. I guess she thought I'd feel more comfortable getting started like this. She was right.



I wanted to try 3 different looks: "typical woman," "professional" and "vamp." Not slut- vamp. My major objective was to find out if I really could have any prayer of looking feminine. After that, well I always wanted to try a slinky gown.


Karen worked for a bit. She gave me the option of watching her work in the mirror to learn or to be completely surprised. Tempted as I was to learn, I wanted the surprise. We chatted a she painted, added eyelashes, etc. She then chose a wig she felt appropriate and turned me around…


I was blown away. I could not believe that the person in the mirror was me. I looked like a woman.


She then picked out a dress, and the pictures started.


We went through outfits and wigs, poses and ideas. In the end, she didn't have a slinky gown that fit me, so I tried the sleeveless party dress. I'd shaved my body for the occasion, so why not take advantage. She re-did my makeup, and helped me on with strappy red shoes. Different wigs made for a whole different woman.


During that time, we talked about my fem name. I haven't been really decisive about that. She said that I looked like a "Sophie" to her. She said it was a "strong feeling." Ok, so I will be Sophie. I like that name, and I believe in strong feelings.


Four hours flew by, then I had to start the process of becoming me again. I felt a bit lost. I wanted to stay this way.


Makeup removed, re-clothed as myself, I hugged her goodbye.

On the way home, I wanted to talk about the experience so much I could just burst. I had SO-MUCH-FUN! But I couldn't tell anyone. I had to wait to tell you, my sisters, about it. I guess that's one of the best things about the whole community. We understand each other and this thing we do. If I want to talk about the strappy shoes, you would be interested too.


Karen asked my permission to use a few of the pictures on her site. I didn't think she would, but she did! I am so happy! The rest of the gajillion pics will be uploaded here and to Flickr over the next few days. Most of them anyway.


Anyway, if you are ever near New York City, I urge you to try Karen's work. Making over T-Girls is all she does. I can't recommend her enough.

See her at http://www.femmefever.com/

The significance of pants

The holidays ended. 

The stockings that were hung by the chimney with care are now sleeping wherever they stay for most of the year.  (Do they have visions of sugar plums while they dream?) The dinners are consumed, the hangovers are suffered.  Hell most people have even done all their gift returns!

So what have we learned?  What have we gained?  I can't answer that for everyone obviously.  Most of us gained some weight.  I gained a nasty hangover last Sunday, but more on that in a bit.

Mostly what I gained were two opportunities to be me.  Out and about, partying and enjoying what I could of the season.  My first chance was at Angela's Laptop Lounge Christmas bash on December 18th at Blue Pacific.  Believe it or not, I decided to wear Red wondering if I had enough class (thanks Prince!)

Sophie Claus is coming to town!

Yes, a red top, black leather skirt and boots.  Typical trampy Sophie!  No class.  Heehee.  A session at Amanda Richard's True Colors to get my makeup done and I was on my way! 

Like my eye makeup?

I missed Renaissance.  See, I had to work 9-5 that day, jumped in the car, drove to Amanda's, makeup, then back.  By the time I was back in the area it was 9:30 and Ren was done.  It's a shame as December marked my second anniversary of attending.  Oh well. 


So it was a wonderful night at Ren.  I had a blast and was running on adrenaline.  After all, I was out dressed in a leather skirt and I thought I looked hot!  This is a new feeling for me: confidence in my look.

So I took that wonderful feeling into Christmas.  Then the week after.  Being Sophie does that for me.

New Years Eve was quiet.  I stayed home.  New Year's day was a different story.  It was rainy and ugly and my Nittany Lions lost their bowl game.  I was in a room getting ready.  I was doing my own makeup this time.  It was Laptop Lounge's New Year's Bash, featuring music from the 70s and 80s.  As I am a HUGE 80s music freak, I had to be there.  In fact, I supplied Angela with 4 cd's of uncommon 80s music.  After all, how many times can you "Come on Eileen" in one night?

So ok, I did my own makeup.  I'm getting better at it.  What made this night different to me was I wore pants.  Jeggings to be precise.  This would be my first time out as Sophie wearing pants.  I wondered if I was feminine enough to do it. 


So I pulled on a tight sweater and my boots and off I went to Blue Pacific

What do you think?

The party started early: 8 PM.  I was a little earlier than that, and the place was already hopping.  I reconnected with many friendly faces, including my "big sis" Mel.  We shared drinks.  And the bartender bought me sake.  And more sake...  and I hadn't eaten...

Look at the size of that wine glass!

Oh did I get drunk!  I hate being drunk as Sophie, as this is not how I believe a "lady" would comport herself.  But drunk I was, and dancing and dancing.  Eventually, my dear sisters did the right thing and took my keys from me.  They drove me back to the motel where I promptly passed out dressed.  Sleeping while Sophie.

So, I actually went out in pants.  Normally I'm a skirt girl.  However this was quite a step.  I'm trying different things- things that most women take for granted.  I wanted to look feminine in jeans.  Did I do it?  I think so.  I hope so.  It's another step on this long journey.  A baby step to be sure, but a step.  Slowly I learn more and I become better at being this girl named Sophie.  Who knows, maybe I'll be able to pass as a true woman someday!  A girl can dream you know!

In any case, here's wishing you a wonderful, joyous and brave New Year.  May you overcome life's obstacles and may your hose never run!  Cheers!