Men of the Skull Chapter 75 First Hint & Chapter 76: Confession

Alert readers may notice I skipped a chapter.  That's due to it being something that was more family related- my grandfather's death and the aftermath.  In any case, the next two chapters are both short and related.  

I like to think I'm quite observant.  I see things that others don't.  That said, when it comes to seeing people's reactions to me, I'm absolutely clueless.  For example, in the first chapter, I should've taken the hint and saved myself a LOT of pain down the road.  Now, over thirty years later, I know that I didn't because 1) I didn't want to be alone again (never mind I was going back to school with all those single people) and 2) Virginia was a remnant of a few of the best times in my life.  Never mind what I knew about how I really felt, which is revealed in the second chapter of this group, which shows how utterly selfish and hypocritical I was.  

Time teaches many things- it's taught me that I was not only an asshole, but a stupid one as well.  

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Chapter 75: First Hint

Sunday, August 16, 1987 Mine sinks ship outside gulf; 1 dead

            “Lance, we need to talk.”

            Oh shit!  I hated those words.  Still do.  It always means I’m about to be hurt somehow.

            I worked the matinee at Lily’s that day and made a whopping $28.  It was late as I drove Virginia home from work.  That’s when she said it.  Lou Graham was lecturing on the radio, with his only solo hit.

         “Son, life is simple- it’s either cherry red… or Midnight Blue.  Oh ohhh ohhhhh”

             “Ok.  About what?”  I said as I parked the car near her house.

            “I think we should see other people.”

            The familiar hollow pain grabbed me.

            “Why?”  I said.

            “We’ve been fighting so much and we’ll be going back up to school soon so I think we should have a fresh start.”

            “A fresh start.”

            “Yeah.  You’re going to be living in the house so you’ll be able to meet someone.”

            “Are you afraid of me being in the house?”  I said.

            She opened the car door and got out.  I did as well.

            “It’s not working, Lance.”

            “I think it is and will if you don’t give up.”

            She kept walking and didn’t look at me.

            “Is it because you want somebody else?”  I said.

            “No!  I love you but it’s just…”

            A few steps.

            “Just?”  I said.

            “Forget it.”  She stopped, turned to me and held me. 

            “Forget I said anything.”

 

            “I love you too,” I said as she started to cry quietly.

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Chapter 76:  Confession

 Tuesday, August 18, 1987 Hitler aide Rudolf Hess is dead at 93

 

            I couldn’t get back to Penn State fast enough.  Everything was flying apart.  My parents couldn’t say a word to me without yelling.  Virginia wanted to break up (or did she?)  Grandpop was dead, and the whole family was fighting over the will.  The only refuges I had were bartending and what little time I could spend with my friends.

            I moved what little I had into the tiny room, and spent the day getting phone service sorted out and buying books.  It was good to be home, AND living in the Bone!

 

August 4, 1987 Collegian

It was late afternoon when Judy called the downstairs phone.  “Why don’t you come down for dinner?”

            She was living with Michelle and Tracy for the year.  Judy and Virginia were no longer speaking, never mind living together.  The apartment was in Sutton Court, but in a different part of the building than Judy lived in before.  Her phone wasn’t even hooked up yet-she’d called from CC Peppers across the street.  Michelle and Tracy wouldn’t show up until the next day.

            I arrived twenty minutes later to an apartment full of boxes.  I helped her unpack a little, and then we went to CC Peppers for dinner.  We talked about the summer, Arts Fest, her family, bartending and other things.   

We ended up sitting on the couches as the sun was setting.  The dying light streamed in through the open curtains on the window, and the room kept getting darker.  She sat with her back to the window, and was silhouetted by the sunset.

            “So,” Judy said, “how are things with Virginia?”

            I was wondering when she was going to get around to that. 

            “Well, not great.  We almost broke up last week.”

            “Really?  Why?” she asked with a flat tone.

            “I’m not sure.  I think she probably wanted to be free for the new semester.  Or she’s afraid of something.  Either way, we didn’t break up.”

            “You talked her out of it?”
            “No, she kinda talked herself out of it.”

            “How did she do that?” she asked.  She obviously didn’t believe me.

            “It’s really hard to explain.”

            “Virginia usually is,” Judy said with a bit of disgust.

            “I really didn’t want to come between you two.  That’s the last thing I wanted to happen.”

            “Would you like something to drink?” she asked, standing up.  The sun was all but gone, and the light was a ghostly yellow grey.

            “Sure. If you’re having something.”

            She walked into the kitchen.

            “In fact, I almost broke up with her several times” I said, quieter than I wanted to.

            Judy returned with a coke.  “Really?  Why?” she asked.  Her face was cold- expressionless.

            “Her mood swings.  I mean, she goes from zero to bitch in five seconds.  She’s got a lot of problems.  Plus maybe there are other people who I’d rather be seeing.”

            “So why are you still together?” she asked, sitting down on the other couch again.

            “I don’t know.  I’m afraid to be alone I guess.  Besides, the other people aren’t available.”

            I looked over to the other couch. Judy was a black shadow in the growing darkness.

            “Do you love her?” she asked.

           

           

“In many ways… yes.”

            “Like in which ways?”

            “Do you want me to turn on a light or something?”

            “No thank you.”

            “Ohhh-kaayyy.  Well, she’s been a part of my life for nearly a year now, and because, um, we’re seeing each other it’s, uh, natural that we’d get a little closer.  She represents something special to me.  Like you do.”

            She stifled a laugh.  “How am I special?”

            Watch yourself, Lance.  Be careful.

            “Everything about you is special” I replied.  “I wish things were different.”

            “In what way?” she asked quickly.

            “Lots of ways.  But… well, there’s always… I mean…”

            “Lance, what are you trying to say?” she asked, annoyed.

            “Maybe I should go” I said, and stood up.  “I don’t want to make you angry.”

            “You’ve become very good at it.”

            I turned to leave and tripped over a box- face first to the dark floor.

            “Shit!  Oww!”

            Judy turned on the light and quickly walked over to me.  She’d been crying.  “Are you all right?” she asked.

            “Oww. Yeah.  My face broke my fall.”

            She helped me up.

            “You still haven’t answered my question” she said. 

            I sighed and looked at her.  Her eyes were angry- beyond hurt. 

            “We shared something special.  I miss that.  I miss you” I said, staring down at my feet.  I couldn’t bear to look at her.

            “You made your decision” she said evenly.

            “No- you made it for me.  By staying with Rich!”

            “You knew that I wasn’t leaving Rich!  You said you understood that!” tears started flowing again.

            “I know- it’s just… I… I just developed some feelings for you and…”

            “Don’t tell me you fell in love with me” she said sarcastically.

            Now’s your chance: tell her how her smile makes the air sing.  Tell her how you live to hear her voice.  Tell her how you long to hold her again, and never let go.  Tell her yes, you love her, and you always have.

          

          “No.  No.  Of course not.”

 

            We looked at each other across the wide distance that had grown between us.  We were physically only a couple of feet apart, but I never felt further away from her. 

            “What about Virginia?” she asked.  The tears flowed freely, and her voice trembled, ever so slightly.  “You chose her.”

            “No- she chose me.”  I wanted to hold Judy, to cry with her.  Instead, I just said something really stupid.

            “If I leave her, could we…”

            Judy’s eyes darkened.

            “I’m sorry” I said quietly. 

            I opened the door, and started down the stairs.  Judy stood in the doorway, framed by light. 

            “Good night” she said.

           

            “Yeah.  You too” I replied, looking back at her.

            I felt hollow.

            I walked back to the house, then past it.  The Lion rumbled, awakening from its summer slumber.  Students were returning, and that meant parties.  People meeting people, and having fun. 

            I walked up the hill, across campus.

            The Lion was waiting, as always.  Crouched on its rock.  I sat on the back part of the rock, away from the lights which continuously shone upon it. 

            The stone was cool in the hot late summer night. 

            Solid.

            And I was hollow.

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