Exchange with a Professor

In an email exchange with a professor, they asked:

...a lot of other students also feel like their comments on the discussion board "aren't good enough".  I think sometimes this is imposter syndrome (which is soooooo common in PhD programs) AND that I worry that this feeling prevents students from really engaging and enabling us to learn from you!  

So how are you doing?  

I returned the following (link added for this entry):

"Is it imposter syndrome?  Maybe- but I see colleagues referencing all kinds of other authors and their TA experiences, as well as amazing turns of logic... and I ask stuff like "What do you think about that?"   Also, I worry that my experiences, knowledge, and POV are so out of touch (and, to them, repetitive) that they tune me out.  I seriously dread checking discussion boards in my classes (as well as my PSU email) because I fully expect to be called out as a fraud or an idiot and/or dismissed from the program.  

Also, I worry about a very stark fact: assuming I get my degree 5 years after I started it, I will be 59 years old.  Nobody wants to hire a new PhD of that age- period.  Especially with my baggage.  So, what will I do with this degree, aside from have "Dr." inscribed on an urn someday (probably with my dead name)?  People like me are being murdered in the streets, and I'm discussing case studies with people half my age.  I'm a relic from a different time- a museum piece collecting dust as the world falls apart.

So how am I?  Can't say I'm in the best place right now.  I go day by day- due date to due date.  I have a presentation tomorrow in PSY 571 (postponed from last week) and a paper due yesterday (but really this Friday) to write.  Sunday is my Wife's birthday (52) and Monday is my Daughter's (13) so I hope drive down to see them Friday (the only day I'm not working/in class this month) if only for a few minutes.  

The PhD work is hard- but it's supposed to be, and it keeps me busy.  That's a blessing.

Sorry to dump on you, but you asked."

So, in case you were wondering, that's my current status.

I took this yesterday

Update oct 11

 Why do I feel hopeless?

The huge amount of unfinished homework? Including a 300+ page book due tomorrow night?

The fact that I work all day tomorrow?

The fact that I still don't think there will be an election? That the American experiment is over?

Crushing depression?

Time for this day to be over. I have to be at work at 0730. I'm exhausted.

Go ahead- bitch at me for whining, or looking for attention. I don't give a shit. I write how I feel.