How do we survive this? Seriously?
Think about it- what does Gender Dysphoria do to a person? It tears apart their soul. From the moment you are cognizant of Gender, you KNOW something is wrong. You may not be be able to verbalize it- but you KNOW it's wrong. And if you don't know what the problem is- you can't solve it.
I KNEW I was a girl. I didn't even tell my parents: I was beaten for playing a "girl's game" with the girl across the street. "I'm not raising a sissy!" He doesn't remember doing this. Why would he?
Hiding it all my life. Knowing I was living a lie. Even at the best times, it was like having something stuck between your teeth that won't come out. A rock in your shoe.
Constant. Uncomfortable. At times fierce and painful.
Unstoppable.
What does that kind of Pain do to a person?
Well, for many of us- it kills them. So many suicides- it's numbing. It seems like every week on facialbook I see that another friend of a friend is dead by their own hand. It killed my best friend- my Sister- Lisa.
When Lisa died, it set off a wave through the community. She was well loved, and everyone thought that, if any of us, SHE would be the one to succeed- SHE would be the one to live a happy life after transition. Lisa waited until her wedding anniversary...
Then, she killed herself.
Her death nearly killed me. Still may. If she couldn't survive this, how could I? And how could I do it without her giving me strength?
Yet, here I am. Still. Nearly five years later. I started living my Truth in 2014, and Yes, it does help. But it isn't a "miracle cure." The rock may be out of my shoe, but I've walked into a patch of sharp thorns. They tear at me. "SIR!" "Are you a man?" "I can see right through you." "We've hired someone else for the position." "Who do you think you're fooling?" "Bless your heart."
That last one is one of the many lovely comments I get on my blog. Anonymous, of course. But still, they read it. Gotta wonder why.
So- the question stands: How do we survive this?
I can't answer for everyone. There are so many people who not just survive, but thrive. They are all over the media. They are on facialbook, where they have thousands of friends. They get published in newspapers and magazines and books. They do TV and radio. They are CEOs and move among the elite and powerful. Their transitions go relatively smoothly (notice I did NOT say easily- there is nothing easy about transition.) Or they are anonymously having incredible lives.
I am not one of those. Obviously. Would I be in this much Pain if I were? Good question.
Some survive this with a "social network." One cannot transition without one, really. The "Safety Net." In this community, we catch each other as we fall, or at least we try. We are the only ones who understand each other- who understand This.
I know many people. I built a support network. I rarely see them anymore. I still get the occasional invitation, for which I am VERY appreciative, but I just... never feel like going out. I often feel sick. More often, I don't think it's fair that I inflict myself on their good times. I stay home.
Today, as I write this, is my 25th wedding anniversary. We were married in 1993. We are still married, but we've lived apart since August 2013. I saw Wife today. Sent roses to her work place. Gave her candy that she likes. We had lunch together at a Mexican place (we had our first date at a Mexican place.) She went back to work. That's all.
I've spent most of the day lying in bed, alternating between sleep and crying. I really didn't think this day would hurt as much as it does.
How do I survive this?
Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day.
I really don't know.
Think about it- what does Gender Dysphoria do to a person? It tears apart their soul. From the moment you are cognizant of Gender, you KNOW something is wrong. You may not be be able to verbalize it- but you KNOW it's wrong. And if you don't know what the problem is- you can't solve it.
I KNEW I was a girl. I didn't even tell my parents: I was beaten for playing a "girl's game" with the girl across the street. "I'm not raising a sissy!" He doesn't remember doing this. Why would he?
Hiding it all my life. Knowing I was living a lie. Even at the best times, it was like having something stuck between your teeth that won't come out. A rock in your shoe.
Constant. Uncomfortable. At times fierce and painful.
Unstoppable.
What does that kind of Pain do to a person?
Well, for many of us- it kills them. So many suicides- it's numbing. It seems like every week on facialbook I see that another friend of a friend is dead by their own hand. It killed my best friend- my Sister- Lisa.
When Lisa died, it set off a wave through the community. She was well loved, and everyone thought that, if any of us, SHE would be the one to succeed- SHE would be the one to live a happy life after transition. Lisa waited until her wedding anniversary...
Then, she killed herself.
Me and Lisa. August 2013
Her death nearly killed me. Still may. If she couldn't survive this, how could I? And how could I do it without her giving me strength?
Yet, here I am. Still. Nearly five years later. I started living my Truth in 2014, and Yes, it does help. But it isn't a "miracle cure." The rock may be out of my shoe, but I've walked into a patch of sharp thorns. They tear at me. "SIR!" "Are you a man?" "I can see right through you." "We've hired someone else for the position." "Who do you think you're fooling?" "Bless your heart."
"STOP SAYING YOU ARE A WOMAN! JUST CAUSE YOU HAVE FAKE DISGUSTING TITS, YOU STILL HAVE A COCK! YOU HAVE NO OVARIES, SO THEREFORE YOU ARE A MAN! FUCKING STOP WITH THAT GROSS SHIT ! "
So- the question stands: How do we survive this?
I can't answer for everyone. There are so many people who not just survive, but thrive. They are all over the media. They are on facialbook, where they have thousands of friends. They get published in newspapers and magazines and books. They do TV and radio. They are CEOs and move among the elite and powerful. Their transitions go relatively smoothly (notice I did NOT say easily- there is nothing easy about transition.) Or they are anonymously having incredible lives.
I am not one of those. Obviously. Would I be in this much Pain if I were? Good question.
Some survive this with a "social network." One cannot transition without one, really. The "Safety Net." In this community, we catch each other as we fall, or at least we try. We are the only ones who understand each other- who understand This.
Picture and makeup by Amanda Richards, April 2018
Today, as I write this, is my 25th wedding anniversary. We were married in 1993. We are still married, but we've lived apart since August 2013. I saw Wife today. Sent roses to her work place. Gave her candy that she likes. We had lunch together at a Mexican place (we had our first date at a Mexican place.) She went back to work. That's all.
I've spent most of the day lying in bed, alternating between sleep and crying. I really didn't think this day would hurt as much as it does.
How do I survive this?
Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day.
I really don't know.
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