Situation at Work

Today is the first day I have off in a while. I have several days off to attend the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference. It is a much-needed time off.  However, I'm extremely worried. You see, I don't know if I will have a job waiting for me when I go back to work on Monday.

I've written several times before that I work for a bookstore chain.  I've worked there for 12 1/2 years. I do enjoy my job, and I really enjoy most of my coworkers. However, things have changed a little bit.  First off, I was told that I can't get another raise because I'm "capped." I've also been told that I would not be promoted. And since my wages even after 12 1/2 years are below poverty level, I'm sort of stuck.

As I am unable to get my name changed (don't get me started on that,) I am unable to find other work. Before I transitioned, I regularly put out 10 resumes a day.  I wouldn't go to bed until I did.  That lasted for over 3 years. You do the math.  During that time, only one of the resumes received the phone call.  I had a phone interview, and heard nothing after that.  I don't know why.

In any case, I can't have a resume with my dead name on it, and then show up as Sophie.  Nor can I put Sophie on the resume, and then, when they tried to research me, there is no Sophie legally. So I guess you can see my little quandary.

So why would I want to leave the bookstore, aside from the fact that I'm not making any money? Recently, the bookstore instituted a new metric when it was introduced. We were told that we would not be held to any quotas, that it was just mention the item in question. That item by the way is a credit card.  We've always offered a credit card- it's tied into MasterCard, but we've never actually pushed it.  I am not very happy with this development. I see it as putting loaded guns in people's hands.  I have problems with credit cards.  To offer free credit, or as the internal website says "unlimited credit," disturbs me greatly.

One of the managers asked me how many Applications I had in yesterday.  I said "none."  She asked if I was pushing the card.  I told her "I am doing my job."  She said "I don't think I like your attitude."

She hasn't sold one.  At all.  And as she's not a Line manager, she probably never will.

**********Time Passes***********************

My review is this week.  I've been told "not to worry."

I'm worried.

*************Time Passes************************

Obviously, things changed a little bit on Sunday.  Now I have more to worry about.

You see, I live in a rich, conservative area.  Many people around here own guns.  Lots of guns.  We sell MANY Ammosexual magazines.  I have seen many customers carrying pistols in shoulder holsters.  It's actually kind of common.

And, based upon how many times I am misgendered or worse, compounded by the fact that Bigots are using Trump's candidacy to let their Bigot flag fly, I am seriously worried for my safety.  Remember what corporate said when I had issues with the reparative therapy Bible thumper?  "Simply hide."  My station is next to the front doors.  If some right wing nut job decides I'm too (fill in the blank) to live, I won't stand a chance.

Am I being paranoid?  Ask the people of Orlando.


As God is my witness, I have no idea what I can do about this whole situation.


Several people have suggested I arm myself- buy a gun.  My reply to that is "My Mind is my Weapon."

But there's also the fact that I have a psychiatric hospitalization on my record from after my suicide attempt (1990.)  That should, according to law, prevent me from buying a gun.  But, given that someone on the FBI watch list easily waltzed into a gun shop and bought an AR-15 and a semi-automatic pistol along with tons of ammunition, I actually don't think I'd have an issue.

And that's scary.

I don't WANT a gun.  I know me well enough to understand that me carrying a gun would be a horrible idea.  Mace or pepper spray maybe.  But I can't carry those at work.  Ditto with any firearms, obviously.

Sigh.

In this past year, I have set store records for sales in two different categories.  My picture has been on the company intranet site twice (That's similar to the British "Mentioned in Dispatches.")  I've received many, many little "Way to Go!" sorts of things for my sales efforts.

I really enjoy the recognition!  Seriously!  It makes me feel appreciated.


Yet, all that means Zero.  I am just a replaceable part.  In fact, I'm more replaceable because I make more than the average bookseller.

I hope I'm so very wrong.  I hope it's just my complete lack of Hope talking.

But I don't think I am.


Be Well.