I get messages from time to time from my readers. Questions. Usually I answer these personally and privately. Not this time. A Reader who wished to remain anonymous asked me Why I cry. After all, I have it made, right? Full time, C/D cup natural breasts, accepted at work, friends, blog... what in hell do I have to cry about? Especially compared to a CD who dresses only occasionally and feels the Pain constantly. Like this Reader.
Well Reader, I'll answer your question for All to read. I will document my last four big crying jags. All of which occurred in the past five days.
At work, I overheard a mom talk about her son, who wasn't there. She was shopping for his birthday with her daughter, and she mentioned that he collects the "City" Legos. I put this out of my mind for the last hour of my shift. I clocked out and went to my car.
You see, back when Wife and I first married, I collected a certain type of Legos too. I collected the Castles. Wife would give them to me for Christmas. And on snow days, we would make hot chocolate, put on a CD and build them together. And we'd leave them built a week or so, then take them apart for the next snow day. It was Something we did a lot before my Daughter was born. Just the two of us, in our home (be it an apartment or our house) surrounded by a snow storm, nice and warm and playing.
There's still one Castle set that We never built, Still in the box, untouched. And I will never build it now. Now we are apart. The days of us as Man and Wife, well, they're done. I highly doubt we'll ever live together again. Maybe I can sell the old sets on eBay someday. Or keep them for Daughter when she's old enough.
So I thought about this, sitting in my car. I thought about what I gave up to be True to myself. What is past. What is Future. All symbolized in plastic bricks. I Cried my eyes out.
A few days before that, I passed a cemetery. And I thought about my eventual end. You see, Wife is a few years younger than me. We figure I'll die first. And the plan was that I would be cremated, and she'd keep the ashes. And when she died, my ashes would be put in her coffin (as a catholic, she doesn't want cremation) That way we could be together through eternity. I thought about this. And how in all likelihood, this will never happen. I will die alone and my remains will, well, whatever. That togetherness will not happen. And I cried. I cried so hard, I pulled over to pull myself together.
A couple nights ago, I spoke to my six year old daughter on the phone. After we talked, I went to another room of the house I'm in, and cried my eyes out.
A week ago, I went to bed a little early. I was wearing the clover necklace that I had once given Lisa. I looked at it as I took it off for the night, and I thought of Her. Cried myself to sleep. I still miss her. A Lot.
Tonight, I sat on the porch. I was wearing a Sun dress, one of Lisa's. I looked down at myself. Even a year ago, this night would've been far fetched. My hair now touches my shoulders. My nails are painted. My breasts hold up the dress. No forms- me. I am a full time woman now. I'm still getting used to it. Now and forever, I am a Woman. I paid the price. I've earned it.
Let's make that number of Cries five. I cried typing this.
So, Reader, I hope this answers your question. And keep the comments coming... and the questions. I love both.
Well Reader, I'll answer your question for All to read. I will document my last four big crying jags. All of which occurred in the past five days.
Yesterday
At work, I overheard a mom talk about her son, who wasn't there. She was shopping for his birthday with her daughter, and she mentioned that he collects the "City" Legos. I put this out of my mind for the last hour of my shift. I clocked out and went to my car.
You see, back when Wife and I first married, I collected a certain type of Legos too. I collected the Castles. Wife would give them to me for Christmas. And on snow days, we would make hot chocolate, put on a CD and build them together. And we'd leave them built a week or so, then take them apart for the next snow day. It was Something we did a lot before my Daughter was born. Just the two of us, in our home (be it an apartment or our house) surrounded by a snow storm, nice and warm and playing.
There's still one Castle set that We never built, Still in the box, untouched. And I will never build it now. Now we are apart. The days of us as Man and Wife, well, they're done. I highly doubt we'll ever live together again. Maybe I can sell the old sets on eBay someday. Or keep them for Daughter when she's old enough.
So I thought about this, sitting in my car. I thought about what I gave up to be True to myself. What is past. What is Future. All symbolized in plastic bricks. I Cried my eyes out.
A few days before that, I passed a cemetery. And I thought about my eventual end. You see, Wife is a few years younger than me. We figure I'll die first. And the plan was that I would be cremated, and she'd keep the ashes. And when she died, my ashes would be put in her coffin (as a catholic, she doesn't want cremation) That way we could be together through eternity. I thought about this. And how in all likelihood, this will never happen. I will die alone and my remains will, well, whatever. That togetherness will not happen. And I cried. I cried so hard, I pulled over to pull myself together.
A couple nights ago, I spoke to my six year old daughter on the phone. After we talked, I went to another room of the house I'm in, and cried my eyes out.
A week ago, I went to bed a little early. I was wearing the clover necklace that I had once given Lisa. I looked at it as I took it off for the night, and I thought of Her. Cried myself to sleep. I still miss her. A Lot.
Tonight, I sat on the porch. I was wearing a Sun dress, one of Lisa's. I looked down at myself. Even a year ago, this night would've been far fetched. My hair now touches my shoulders. My nails are painted. My breasts hold up the dress. No forms- me. I am a full time woman now. I'm still getting used to it. Now and forever, I am a Woman. I paid the price. I've earned it.
Let's make that number of Cries five. I cried typing this.
So, Reader, I hope this answers your question. And keep the comments coming... and the questions. I love both.
I feel you honey, hugs...
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