Some of you know my tale of Woe when it comes to my family. The abuse, being called a "mistake"... etc.
Many times in my group therapy meetings I listened to one of the women (I'll call her "D") discuss her loving family, and the issues she was suffering through. She, her parents and siblings have a deep bond of love. And I said many times that while understand she has those feelings, I could not comprehend them. I was able to do this without feeling any sense of loss. In fact, I felt nothing toward the idea of family except pain and hate.
Yes, really positive I know.
The past few days have caused me to re-evaluate my thoughts and feelings.
As I've shared on this blog, I told my cousin in Scotland and she has embraced me. She has called me several times and sent me Facebook messages. We've had more contact in the past week than ever before in our lives.
This awakened new feelings. I've never given a damn about my birth family, as I saw it as nothing but a millstone around my neck. Pure Pain.
But now... to be accepted and loved unconditionally by someone who is genetically linked to me... what are these feelings?
Loyalty? Gratitude? Love?
I want to embrace her and cry. And cry. And laugh.
I think I'm beginning to understand just a little of that comfort and security of family that D experiences.
My family has always been my few friends. Since I emerged as Sophie, I have met so many wonderful people, many of whom are now my friends.
Friends. I don't use that term lightly. Never have. Is that a Male thing? Isolating myself from others? Is the secret to being a Woman the ability to Love and be Loved?
In the past four years I've met people that mean the world to me. But none of them are related to me. I considered that a Gift, as they didn't share my family's defects. They have become my family (aside from Wife and daughter.) They are my Strength and my support. I live and die by their triumphs and set backs.
Now I have an extended family member I can cherish, and I'm having trouble wrapping my head around it.
I'm beginning to understand what it CAN mean to have a family... and it makes me mourn for what I didn't have. And it makes me absolutely determined to ensure my daughter has that comfort and love.
Especially since I never had it... until now.
Many times in my group therapy meetings I listened to one of the women (I'll call her "D") discuss her loving family, and the issues she was suffering through. She, her parents and siblings have a deep bond of love. And I said many times that while understand she has those feelings, I could not comprehend them. I was able to do this without feeling any sense of loss. In fact, I felt nothing toward the idea of family except pain and hate.
Yes, really positive I know.
The past few days have caused me to re-evaluate my thoughts and feelings.
As I've shared on this blog, I told my cousin in Scotland and she has embraced me. She has called me several times and sent me Facebook messages. We've had more contact in the past week than ever before in our lives.
This awakened new feelings. I've never given a damn about my birth family, as I saw it as nothing but a millstone around my neck. Pure Pain.
But now... to be accepted and loved unconditionally by someone who is genetically linked to me... what are these feelings?
Loyalty? Gratitude? Love?
I want to embrace her and cry. And cry. And laugh.
I think I'm beginning to understand just a little of that comfort and security of family that D experiences.
My People Magazine Cover Pic
My family has always been my few friends. Since I emerged as Sophie, I have met so many wonderful people, many of whom are now my friends.
Friends. I don't use that term lightly. Never have. Is that a Male thing? Isolating myself from others? Is the secret to being a Woman the ability to Love and be Loved?
In the past four years I've met people that mean the world to me. But none of them are related to me. I considered that a Gift, as they didn't share my family's defects. They have become my family (aside from Wife and daughter.) They are my Strength and my support. I live and die by their triumphs and set backs.
Now I have an extended family member I can cherish, and I'm having trouble wrapping my head around it.
I'm beginning to understand what it CAN mean to have a family... and it makes me mourn for what I didn't have. And it makes me absolutely determined to ensure my daughter has that comfort and love.
Especially since I never had it... until now.
Lovely post, Sophie.
ReplyDeleteI have been blessed with a very loving family. Although I'm sorry to hear you weren't as fortunate, it is wonderful to hear how you have found so many wonderful friends.
It's so nice to hear about your cousin. What a treasure she is.
Best wishes.
Linda
i have to agree with Linda since i too grew up in a loving family.
Deletei am glad to hear that you Sopie have finally found a relative to connect up with.
i am soooo glad for you that you have found acceptance from a relative. this can be a great confidence booster.
ReplyDelete"Is that a Male thing? Isolating myself from others? Is the secret to being a Woman the ability to Love and be Loved?"
ReplyDeleteNah, that's definitely an individual thing.