Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Goofy Smile

Last Saturday (April 21, 2012) was another Renaissance meeting, and another Laptop Lounge.  Another chance to be me.  The Real me.

As has been the norm lately, I worked in the morning, then went to the motel, shaved, then went to True Colors for my makeup.

You've read all this before if you've been following this blog for any length of time.

You've also read about when I go to dinner with my friends at Cafe Winberie, which I also did.

Then to Renaissance, then to Laptop.

Fairly routine by now- my Sophie night out.  My once a month.

So why write about it?

Well, because of how I felt.

I live for these times when I can go out.  Usually I am in a good mood, if feeling a little anxious.  After all, getting caught would cause major issues. 

Saturday, well it felt different.

First off, I had a new outfit.  I bought the top from JC Penny and the skirt from eBay.  I loved how they look together.  I wore a necklace I bought an eternity ago (I forget where) for the first time.

And after I was ready, I looked in the mirror.  I saw this:

And I started smiling.

I saw a Woman reflected back- a Woman at ease with herself.  A Woman in a cute outfit ready for a night out.  And I am that Woman.

You see, part of the burden has lifted.  I know when I'm telling my wife about Sophie.  I know that the lies will stop.  Getting caught held much less fear.

I couldn't stop smiling.  I don't think I ever looked better.  I felt feminine and I felt beautiful. 

And that carried through the whole night.  I had a goofy smile all night.  At dinner, at Ren, and at Laptop, I felt so natural.  I was in a skirt, wearing wedges, a bra, hoop earrings, and was fully made up... and felt no Fear.

I was proud to be a Woman- proud to be Sophie.

I was in the clouds all night.  Oh to still be there!

As always, the night ended, and it was back to drab.  The Pink hangover.  My life as it is. 

Soon, I will tell my wife.  And for good or ill, that life will never be the same.

I am practicing what I will say with my therapist.  It's going to be hard.  I have backup plans ready in case I'm thrown out (as I expect.) 

I live in the Gray area between genders and I always will, even after transition.  I accept that.  And I accept myself.  Hopefully others will as well.

I couldn't stop smiling.

Tears are sure to follow soon.  Hard, nasty times.  But last Saturday, I was Happy and Feminine.

I'm going to try to carry that with me when... it all happens.  Remember why I'm doing this.  Why I need to do this.

I need it for that Goofy Smile.  To BE.

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